Well my first OB appointment is Wednesday and I can tell you that it can't get here soon enough. For the past two days I've had a overwhelming fear that the babies aren't alive. This is probably due to the dreams I've been having. Yeah I know that sounds totally morbid, but I just can't shake the feeling. My doctor last week told me that my chances had dropped to 3% and for most people that would be a green light to accept a pregnancy. I could never understand reading blogs of woman who were pregnant after years of infertility and losses and understand at a certain point how they couldn't just be happy and accept their pregnancy. Well now that I am in those shoes, I totally understand. It has been hard from the beginning not having the symptoms that is suppose to go along with a twin pregnancy and all the bleeding/clotting etc. Everyday I tell myself it is going to be okay and the babies are fine. This is a very hard place to be and now I do finally understand. I think I am just now starting to realize how much infertility has stolen from me over all these years. I guess all I can do at this point is wait until my appointment on Wednesday and ask him if he will give me an ultrasound. According to the nurse that is not standard practice on the first visit. If he doesn't I will call my RE and see if they will let me come in for one. I am sure after all the tasty pies I sent them today, they will be more then happy to :)
Well this Friday we get our new travel trailer and I am really excited. We love to camp and try to go at least a few times a year. Now that we are expecting twins, there will be no more Mexico trips or nice sunny beaches in our future for a few years. Therefore we decided to upgrade from our little pop up to a nice travel trailer. Here are a few pictures of the model we are getting!
As of today I am 10w5d pregnant. Only a few more weeks and I will be in the "safer" zone. Then we can become more confident and actually start planning for twins.
I had an ultrasound at my first ob appointment to confirm dates. It doesn't hurt to ask...or beg, lol. I really didn't embrace the twin thing especially until closer to 15 weeks. Then I lived in fear until 24 weeks. It's too bad we can't be blissfully ignorant pregnant ladies. People don't understand unless they've been through it. I'm sure the hoppers are doing great. Did you say someone was sending you a Doppler? I have one you could borrow if not. From 9 weeks on I consistently picked up a heartbeat. I could never be too sure about finding 2 different ones, but I knew someone was still alive in there!
ReplyDeleteAfter I posted this I called the OB and asked if I could get an u/s for peace of mind and they told me yes. Just had to hang on until Wednesday. I should be getting my doppler on Wednesday also and that will help in between visits.
DeleteWhat I would do to be blissfully ignorant and pregnant!
I get why you are nervous. Things have not gone according to plan, so it's hard to feel at ease. I'm glad to read in your comment that you will be able to get an U/S sooner.
ReplyDeleteI think the weight of the infertility and loss something that will never leave us completely. However, I do believe that the burden will significantly go away, little by little, over time. I hope that your next visit brings you to a place where a little bit more of that burden is lifted, and that your load continues to lighten throughout your pregnancy, and as you watch your beautiful little hoppers grow into lovely little people. Wishing for peace for you.
Thank you so much for your support Julia. It means so much to me. I do trust that as time goes on I can be more comfortable.
DeleteYes my dear. I get what you are feeling. Right before an ultrasound I am so worked up that I feel shocked when the baby is still alive. Hang in there. I hope this gets easier.
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself that once I reach a certain point I will feel much better. So far that hasn't happened. I do believe it will get easier though.
Deleteyou've got this girl! IF certainly changes the joy and perspective. Keep fighting and let us know how it all goes, I am anxious with you. XOX
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Morgan. I will definitely keep you updated.
DeleteHappy 10 weeks!!!!
ReplyDeleteI also had an ultrasound at my first OB appointment. He mentioned something about knowing how anxious patients who struggled with infertility are... ;) It doesn't hurt to ask!!
ReplyDeleteI called and they are going to give me one!
DeleteLike Liz, I spent the first 24 weeks of pregnancy detached and/or convinced that I would lose the Beats. Thinking back, I don't know if I ever fully relaxed and accepted that I was pregnant. I just knew way too much about what could go wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very normal after all you've been through to feel this way, especially with the bleeding (stupid SCH). Just take each day as it comes. And if there is any doubt, call your OB and get in for an ultrasound. If they give you a hard time, it's a good indication you don't want to be working with them.
LOVE the new camper! I think it's a brilliant idea (car camping and short hikes are also the only thing in our foreseeable future). I promise those beaches will be in your future again, but for now I predict there will be many fond memories with this camper.
I know that every time I say this I have a huge bleed afterwards, BUT I haven't had bleed in ten days! Knocking on wood with both hands now. I definitely think we will have such great memories in our camper. I am ready!
DeleteHappy 10 weeks! Sending you lots of positive thoughts for Wednesday!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteFunny what you say about reading blogs and wondering why the blogger can't begin to relax after a point and accept that they are pregnant...I now wonder if I ever get pregnant and find myself relaxing and accepting it that I will feel guilty because I should still be worrying! I really hope things to wonderfully on Wednesday.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you will be able to and I know after a certain point I will also.
DeleteI know what you are talking about. You cannot relax until you have a baby in your arms. However, we go day by day and hope for the best.
ReplyDeleteI'm 28 weeks now and only the closest family members know.i happened to be abroad because of my husband, where we did the ivf, so I didn't tell anyone. Once I get the baby, I will let the others know.
The trailer is an excellent idea! The spring and summer are great times to enjoy some trips to the nature.
You are going to have some excited and shocked friends and family members! I do understand though.
DeleteI was thinking: they might think the baby was not mine:). I have to take some pregnancy photos:).
ReplyDeleteHAH!
DeleteI can relate to this and I've only had one loss. Miscarriage just steals the joy from future pregnancies. I imagine IF does the same thing. I feel like your babies are doing just fine in there, but I really hope you get the reassurance you need and they let you have the ultrasound. I love the camper! I hope you and all of your children get a lot of fun use out of it in the years to come. **HUGS**
ReplyDeleteI used my doppler last night for the first time and found one heartbeat.
Deletei totally know how you feel! everyday i wonder/worry/try not to worry if my remaining baby is still alive in there... what are we gonna do once appts go to once a month?! ack!
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that I won't have to go a month between the MFM and the OB, but if I do, I am not sure how I will do :)
DeleteI remember after the 20 week anatomy scan was when I really, truly accepted that this was really happening and these boys were on their way! It all becomes so real once you know the genders!!! I hope the same happens for you. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for that day!
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