Chapter Two

Chapter Two:

My teenage years. Wow where do I even start on this? After all the abuse in my life, I just didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. The fights. I was in fights all the time. I learned this trait from my father. I was with him one day when a Indian woman in town cussed at him and we chased her down the roads in our town until my dad finally cornered her at a field and got the tire iron out of the back of the car. He had this woman down on her knees begging him not to kill her. So when I had problems with girls in town, I was given a choice. #1 kick their ass or #2 my dad would kick my ass. I knew which would be worst.  Who does this? As I started to grown into a young lady I was already sleeping around with any boy that would pay attention to me. I lost my virginity at the age of 14 I think? Pretty bad I don’t even remember huh. I do remember that I always thought that the only way for boys to like me was to give them sex or oral sex. I think by the time I was 18 I had slept with about 20 men. This is not something I like to talk about, but I want to show people my story and be brutally honest about it. I never even enjoyed sex, in fact if the truth is to be known, I hated it. But, for a the short time, I thought someone cared about me and only me. They smiled and showed me affection. That was such an amazing feeling.  If I was really lucky some of the boys or men would even cuddle with me for a few minutes. To have someone hold you tight, there was no other feeling. I was also drinking and doing drugs by this age. It helped numb the pain. Which is what I realized now. At the time I didn’t know why I was doing all of this or acting like that. I honestly thought it was normal behavior and just didn’t give a shit. I went to school high. I missed school half the time. I cussed out teachers. I threw chairs in the classroom. I picked fights. My family must have been so proud of me. Just another Throne in the making. Another dysfunctional monster to the mix. My dad moved us to California trying to start a new life. I then realized how different things were there compared to small hick town Oklahoma. I managed to piss off the gangs in the schools.  That wasn’t a good choice by any means. I had my head slammed into a few brick walls and found myself running home as fast as possible. I definitely couldn’t stand up to 10+ people. When I was caught, they would hold me and then the others would take turns punching the shit out of me. The worst that it ever got was having them confront me at the pool in our apartments and try to kill me. Yes I am not exaggerating . I called the police and they found knives and guns on these kids. By then my sister had totally distanced herself from me and wouldn’t even tell people we were relating in fear of being beating up. I never even stopped to think for a second on how all of this effected my sister. I rebelled and she stayed quiet and went to school and just took the abuse. She was so much of a stronger person then I.  While living in California I remember receiving the last beating my father ever gave me. My aunt and uncle came to live with us and I was fighting with  her and said something to the effect of “ I am tired of your shit” she told my dad and I remember him picking me up by the front of my face with my feet off the floor about a few inches and BAM head into the wall. I did pass out for a few minutes and I guess it scared the shit out of him. He thought he killed me. That was the last time he ever hit me. Shortly after we moved back to Oklahoma.

I had missed so much school in California that I failed my 9^th grade year and was left back. At this point I hated school and I hated almost everyone in school. I am sure it is pretty easy to believe that I wasn’t well liked at this point. I hung out in smokers alley a lot .  Keep up the same behavior all the way through high school until the beginning of my 12^th grade year and finally said fuck it and dropped out. My whole family told me that I was a drop out and would never graduate or make anything of myself and for years I didn’t . Just to prove them wrong ( and I promise that is the only reason) I went back to school to get my diploma. I couldn’t go back to my regular school, but was accepted into a school for drop outs. I also started up Vo-tech and got my cosmetology license and ended up with a high school diploma in 1993.

By this time I had already moved out of my dad’s house. I was pretty well living on my own from the age of 16. This whole time my dad and I had a very odd relationship. We were still close and he helped me out with bills etc. but was always very controlling of my life. So we would talk and then have a big blow up for months and not talk .  To this day I feel such guilt on leaving my sister to take care of him while I left the situation.