Guilt

I remember for the last few years following many woman on here that graduated from trying to conceive to pregnant after infertility. The most common post I read was how they felt guilty being pregnant and leaving others behind. My first comment always was " you should not feel guilty for being pregnant. All of us have struggled so much and we all deserve to have this. Sit back and be grateful and enjoy". Wow I never thought I would be eating those words. Sitting on the other side of the fence it was so easy for me to tell woman that and mean it. Now that I am here and seeing others that have struggled so hard to get pregnant and lose a pregnancy or still be in the trenches month after month.... well it breaks my heart. It also makes me look back at the past 8 weeks and wonder if I am coming off whiny because of the pregnancy issues I am having. I know most woman would love to be in my situation right now. I can promise you that I am grateful to be at this point. I have said from day one that I will be grateful for the time I was given with these babies, whether it was one week or for 18 + years. As scary as it has been, I have also never felt so blessed in my life. All the years of treatment, surgeries, losses, everything, it was worth it. For no matter how long I have with them, it was worth and I will never ever take that for granted. Ever.

For those of you still struggling and those of you who recently lost your pregnancy, I won't tell you that things will be better, because that seems very unfair of me right now. I will tell you that in the end I hope you believe your struggle was worth all the tears, the pain, the anger, and the time you fought so hard for. 

3rd Big Bleed (8W2D)

I can tell you that this doesn't get any easier. I was driving home from work last night and felt the all to common " flood gates opening up". It was only four days since my last big bleed and I was just thinking that I had gone all day with zero spotting. It was followed by large clots the size of my palm and cramps along with back pain. I just knew this time was different and I had lost the babies. Of course I think about it every second of every day. The stress of this is finally starting to get to me. I am usually a strong person, but find myself breaking down mentally and emotionally more and more daily. I haven't been able to enjoy the 8 weeks of this pregnancy because of the worry I am losing them daily with bleeding. Of course I got into the RE first thing this morning and even though he was out of the office today, I was able to see the other RE. The hoppers are alive. Thank you.

Hopper "A" was measuring 8w4d and had hb of 179.
Hopper "B" was measuring 8w3d and had hb of 177.

The third sac was empty today. He was having issues seeing everything going on in there and didn't say much about the SCH. He did tell me that at this point of being over 8 weeks and having strong heartbeats that my chance of miscarriage was LOW. I then reminded him that I've had 6 miscarriages and those statistics don't mean a lot to me at this point. He then told me how common bleeding is in early pregnancy. "IF I had a dollar for every time I have heard that" .  Well as of today my hoppers have made it through 3  huge bleeds and are going strong. Thank you.

My next appointment is next Wednesday and I will be 9 weeks. I am expecting call from the OB today to schedule my first appointment. I will also let him know about the sch so he can get me in to see the MFM. Hopefully they can get a better handle on it.

To anyone that has went through this and had an active sch, I have all the respect in the world for you!

SCH Update

Since my ultrasound on Monday, a few things have changed. I have continued to have red spotting. I emailed Dr. Kim on Tuesday to let her know that my RE found a SCH. I received an email back from her nurse a few hours later stating that Dr. Kim wanted me to stop the lovenox completely. That freaked me out! Just this last week I still tested positive for 7 APS markers ( which is clotting issues). So the thought of stopping one of the main drugs that I feel have gotten me this far was not good. I laid in bed all night and wondered if I should listen to Dr. Kim or continue doing my injections at least every other day. I decided I would email her again today and see what the plan was. Luckily they were on top of things and first thing this morning I received this email from her nurse:

" Tonisha, the following are some recommendations per Dr. Kwak in regards to your bleeding episodes:......... RECOMMENDATIONS: a. Continue IVIG 15 gms weekly........ b. Start Lovenox 40 mg every other day........ c. Start Progesterone in oil injections 2 cc every day........ d. Ultrasounds weekly.......... e. Repeat NK and Cytokines post every 2nd infusion (I will email you an order)........ Where should I call the progesterone in oil to? It is an injection that needs to go in your buttock........ Thanks! this from Dr. Kims clinic"

After seeing this email this morning I felt so much better. This Friday will be my first infusion with 15grams. I talked to my boss last week because I have been missing every Friday for infusions. I am starting this week by getting them at work. I have my own office so it really won't be that big of a deal. I am also trying to talk him into putting his couch in my office to make my infusions easier and it will also be a benefit later in pregnancy to curl up during lunch and take a nice nap. My other boss already said it was a great idea! 

Today is 8 weeks! I have made it a whole two months with little people growing in me and they are still alive. Wow I never thought this day would come. So incredibly thankful for every single moment I have with them. I also know the statistics on actually carrying both of them past the miscarriage phase. All I can do it take it day by day.

 

7w5d

Well last night while driving home from picking my daughter up at work, I had another huge bleed. Once I got home and went to the bathroom I had passed more clots and even more blood this time verses last week. It was 10 at night so I debated on calling paging system for my doctor or just leaving a message with the clinic. I finally decided to call the paging system. They were able to get me in this morning for another u/s.

The hoppers are alive and still growing!!!

Hopper "A" is measuring 8w0d and has a heartbeat of 167bpm.
Hopper "B" is measuring 7w6d and has a heartbeat of 170bpm.

Best news is, he was able to find a SCH. Now knowing there is an active bleed that has been seen on the u/s makes me feel SO much better. It is measuring 19mm.

Sac 3 is still there and growing. The yolk sac on it hasn't grown any though.

Do any of you know about gestational sacs? My sac for hopper "a" is measuring 9w3d this week. Last week it was measuring the exact same date as baby (which was 7w0d).

Here is a picture of the Hoppers! Almost made it to eight weeks! This is a new record and babies are still with me.

Still Bleeding

Since my big bleed last Friday, I have been spotting on and off. It has always remained dark brown and usually only when I wipe. Today it was a little heavier and has left a few spots on my panty liner. Can I say how much I hate blood and pregnancy? Every single time I've had blood and pregnancy it has ended badly, every time. 

Does it make me feel better that my clinic keeps telling me that it is "completely normal" and " don't worry"? They have told me this a few times in the past so I don't rely to hard on " the reassuring phone calls". I was told that I have to wait until next Wednesday for my u/s. They want to see a week of full growth with the babies. 

Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting? Well I do. 

I remind myself daily of the great news so far. The great hcg levels, progesterone levels, growth of babies and heartbeats. There is no reason why they shouldn't be  growing daily and doing fine. I also fight the feelings that one or both aren't going to make it and this journey is over for us. No take home babies or babies after all these years of trying. 

Gosh this is so stressful..... 

4 more days until u/s. 

I did get a new symptom that started yesterday. Exhaustion. 

Sorry if I sound like
Debbie Downer, but I am so scared of this process.

Inspirational Infertility Friday

Sorry I have missed a few weeks on posting these:

Updates, This & That

Thought I would take a few minutes and get back to those of you who have been asking me questions about my treatments etc.

Lovenox-
I did end up hearing back from Dr. Kim and she agreed with my doctor here in OKC. I have reduced my dosage from 80 mg daily to 40mg daily. In a way it has been somewhat scary, but I do believe that we are all making the right decision. I haven't experienced any bleeding since last Friday. Although I check every five minutes.

OB & High Risk-
I should be hearing from the OB this week to schedule me for my first appointment around ten weeks. He has also already contacted his colleagues that are MFM and I will be hearing from them soon. I guess this is a very common practice when carrying twins.

The Triplet-
Thank you for all the support on losing the third baby. In all honesty, the thought of having three babies scared the hell out of me. I am still working on processing the fact we are having two. Al and I always knew that multiples were a possibility going through treatment. It is definitely not common though to have all three eggs fertilize with iui. We beat all the odds on this one. I do believe everything happens for a reason.

Symptoms-
I was a little worried about my lack of stereotypical symptoms. I didn't think I was having symptoms, but it turns out I really do have a nice little list of them.

• Insomnia
• Heartburn
• burping
• shortness of breath
• on and off cramping
• headaches
• extreme hunger
• congestion
• bloated
•  

I don't have any morning sickness, sore boobs or extreme fatigue.  My doctor assured me yesterday while looking at the babies that I am indeed pregnant and feel very lucky I am not sick.

Fear of Twins-
I am sure that most parents of twins have a fear. I was not one of the people who thought it would be so cool to have twins. In all honesty with the immune issues and all the failed cycles were we had multiple embryos, eggs etc. I didn't even think it was a viable option for us. I am scared. I want to do my best to make sure they are healthy in the womb and can make a safe delivery. I am scared that financially we will have issues paying for two babies. Our house is so small! I don't even think we have room for one crib in the spare room and I know there isn't room for two. There are many fears. So any twins moms out there, please let me know this is a normal feeling? Am I a horrible person for having these fears?

Treatment-
All of my immune levels are pretty close to normal now. Dr. Kim is still wanting me to do my infusions every week though. I will continue the infusions until end of second trimester. I will also continue the blood thinners and steroids. I truly believe with all my heart that this is reason we are at this point right now.

Well that was my this & that for the day. Sitting here 7w1D pregnant with my hoppers and feeling so lucky! So very lucky! I am still in daily shock that this happened to us after four years of struggling.

7 Week Ultrasound

Well I didn't mention much about this the last post on 6W3D, but Dr. H saw a third sac. We weren't sure if it was a SCH or a possible triplet pregnancy. Turns out I started out with triplets.

He found a yolk sac today, and couldn't get measurement on it. Yolk sac was measuring 5w6d so it's not viable. The Hoppers on the other hand are doing great! Hopper A is measuring 7w0d with hb at 150. Hopper B is measuring 7w0d with hb at 143. His words were , he is cautiously optimistic for this pregnancy.

There are no words to describe how happy I am right now. Yes still have anxiety and probably will for many more months, but feeling more confident with each report we get. Today I am pregnant with my hoppers. 

If there is no bleeding from now until next week I will have my next u/s next Wednesday at 8 weeks.

7 Week Ultrasound Later Today

This pretty well sums it up:

6W6D

Hoping every day that goes by and the babies are still alive, I can push this emotion further and further away.

Wish my u/s would hurry up and get here. 31 more hours until my 7 week u/s. This will be further then I made it with Circle.

Fear go away.