Taking a break

The past four years have finally caught up with me. Today will be my last post for a while as I am taking a break from this space. I have worked on being positive and seeing the best in everything and I now realize that I was just being blinded to the facts of the situation. 

CD9 U/S went horrible. Not only can we not do iui, we can't do TI and they won't give me a discount on ivf because I was over stimulated by my doctor. Here is what four days of 150 IU did to me:

At the very least I have 11 mature follicles as of today. I asked about the possibility of switching to an ivf cycle and was told they really prefer we start off with an ivf cycle and not switch last minute, but the would probably do it if it meant I wouldn't go home and have timed intercourse. The cost would be full price though. Is it just me being over emotional or do you feel like I should get a bit of a discount through my clinic? I have been with them over four years with multiple ivfs and iuis, not counting the TI cycles I have been through? He did put me on way to much meds and if he would have looked through my chart, he would have seen that? Do doctors make mistakes? Of course they do and it could be very possible I am just looking to blame someone for my anger. Regardless what if we had timed intercourse it would be totally irresponsible and it would be a decision based on emotion verses the facts. Neverless it fucking sucks! I am SO sick and tired of being told " I am sorry" from everyone and especially the doctors. I wish instead of staying sorry they would just fix the problem at hand.

Last Christmas we got pregnant and it was a loss a few days later.

Risk taker?

I am not sure about others, but I have always lived my life taking risks. Not sure if it is just part of my personality or I just don't want to look back on something in my life and regret not doing it. I really don't know the reason, but I have never been " lets play it safe" on anything that has come my direction.

With that being said, I had my Cd9 u/s this morning.

Even stopping the FSH two days ago my ovaries are still fighting full speed ahead. As of this morning I have (5) follicles that will be ready to trigger on Tuesday and (5) that are a half of second behind them. My RE suggested that we call this cycle to play it safe. She also gave me the option of waiting until Tuesday and going in for one last u/s in a last ditch effort hoping a few of the follies will stop growing. After the u/s we spent a while talking about the options and the recommendations of the clinic. I have had (6) mature follicles along with iui in past and no pregnancy. I've also had (6) miscarriages. So this makes the decision at hand a very hard one that Al and I won't take lightly. Dr. C said if we had never been pregnant in the last four years of treatment with them, they wouldn't be as hesitant and may consider going forward, but because I do get pregnant she doesn't think we should keep going. My argument is, according to my clinic I have bad egg quality so I do need a lot more verses the woman who doesn't have egg issues and hope that there is one good one in the bunch. In four years of treatment, which includes ALOT of treatment, Al and I still aren't pregnant.  I do understand the risk of multiples and not just twin multiples, more like quad multiples and I won't lie, that is something I don't want. I also know that there is a good chance that only one or two would take. And I also know that there is chance none will take.

It is a gamble and now I have to decide how high risk I am willing to go. I do know that at this point Al and I are NOT ready to take a chance if ten+ follicles are mature Tuesday. I am hoping we have 8 or less. 

I know this decision opens up a lot of disagreement and judgement so if you don't have anything supportive and helpful to say, your comment will not be posted. I have to much on my plate right now to deal with those people. 

Any of you ever been in this situation? I would love to hear some feedback.

Until Tuesday..... Lots to think about.

CD7 Update :(

I went in for my cd 7 u/s this morning and there were 3 follicles on my right ovary and 8 on my left.
Three follies on right 14, 12, 11 and eight on left five at 11 and three at 11 1/2. My lining was at 9. I got a call from the doctor and knew that there wasn't good news. My E2 levels are 727. They completely over stimulated me on this cycle. She wants me to stop the folllistim tonight and tomorrow, then come back on Sunday morning. They are hoping all the small ones on left will quit growing and we can pull on the few on my right ovary. She also warned me that there is a big possibility that won't happen and this cycle was a bust.

Instead of sitting here getting all pissed and depressed that another cycle is shot, I am going to mark it up as a learning experience for all of us. I guess I can also sit here and be certain that I will not be the next Octomom.

I will update on Sunday.

Baby dreams

Within the past few months I've had multiple baby dreams. In all of my dreams the baby or babies are always  a girl and she looks the same. A beautiful little baby with dark curly hair and these beautiful sparkling blue eyes and she is mine. Like I said in some dreams there are twins and others there is only one baby. Now I really love to go to sleep and see what I will dream about. Sometimes I am in labor and others I am feeding this little angel. She is always happy and smiling at me. I can only think this is a sign of good things to come our way. In the past all my baby dreams have ended with me losing the baby or for some reason giving birth to a half horse half baby ( yeah still trying to figure that one out). Lately is has been nothing but this very inspirational and uplifting feeling while I sleep and I look forward to more dreams like this to come. It makes me wake up the next morning smiling ear to ear.

Hoping for my future baby girl.................................

I had to put in the picture of half horse/half baby :)

Misery

“Oftentimes. when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.”
― Lemony Snicket, 

Do miserable people realize how truly miserable they are?
How well do we truly know ourselves?

 For most of my life I chose to be around this type of person and it changed me into a miserable person. Once I let go, a new me started to grow and now I am definitely the person I always wanted to be.

New month, new cycle and plan.

Today was my CD3 appointment with Dr. H. After talking we have decided to stim with only Follistim on this cycle. I need to pull out more than the few follicles I have for the past few months. I thought about this a lot because the cost of Follistim is completely outrageous and all out of pocket. I have been trying to hoard the little that I had left, but decided to go all the way this month. Hoping with all I have that I can at least get 5 follicles and 6 would be even better. Waiting on a call back because I had a few smaller cysts but nothing to be worried about. Should start shooting myself up tonight! Today was also my crazy blood run for Dr. Kims office. To my surprise the whole process took about an hour and that was for both locations, plus sending off to Chicago! Maybe this is a sign of great things to come this month. 

Feeling hopeful :) 

UPDATE: Start 150 IU of Follistim tonight .

 I also wanted to share my early Christmas present from my amazing husband.. Look at this beautiful China I found a few weeks ago and he went yesterday and bought it for me :)

Dreaded December

Reminders

We all need these reminders from time to time.

This & That

This post is going to be a mixture of this and that stuff.

First of all I am very happy to say that my body and medications are working wonderfully together. I have adjusted to all of them and no nasty side effects anymore. I am still bruising with my lovenox injections, but that is a given at this point. I've been on the full dose of metformin for about 3 or 4 weeks now and I am not having any stomach issues. I do need to keep snacks around and always have something on my stomach, but as long as I do that, it is smooth sailing.

Yesterday I bought my first item ever from an antique shop. I love to go window shopping at those places and always have an issue with spending that much money. I broke down yesterday and had my husband drive me through the snow so I could make my first purchase. You are going to laugh when I tell you that I have absolutely NO idea what to use this for or what to do with it, but I fell in love. Plus I was able to talk the dealer down to $55.00.

I also found a China set that I want and found out that my darling husband is buying it for me at Christmas! I don't have a dinning room in our house now as it is only 1300 sq ft. My plans are to keep it put up until I get my dream dinning room in Colorado. I will share picture of it around Christmas time.

On TTC:

Today is 7DPO and nothing is going on. My temps have been up and down. Have a gut feeling this cycle wasn't the winner winner chicken dinner. That' okay though, there are plenty of future opportunities :)

Funny Infertility Friday

On cycle front:

Today is 4DPO and as you know nothing happening this early. I was very impressed with my chart this cycle though. I had a nice dip for ovulation and a very nice rise the day after. This tells me that my medications are indeed doing their job. One small step at a time :)