No Title Today.

I know that my post yesterday was filled with so much frustration to all the doctors. I didn't really take the time to also mention the good things that have come out of all these visits. My RE office here in OKC although they can't keep me pregnant, have been very supportive of me for the past few years. I know that many people (and I should) think you need to have success within a short period of time or move on. I think when I realized that we were having infertility problems, I knew there was NO quick fix. In the back of my mind I knew I was in this for the long haul . My RE did tell me earlier in the year that he had exhausted all options to get me pregnant and did suggest I go to CCRM for further testing and treatment. After talking to him and explaining that wasn't an option for us (because we are still paying off debt for the two failed ivf's) he said that he would help me in whatever I decided. At first I was so hurt and upset that he told me he couldn't do anything further, but now I totally respect him for being honest with me instead of leading us on. I have a wonderful relationship with most of the staff at my office. I can call and/or email and get a response within an hour and most times within 20 minutes. They don't have the highest success rate stats, but at this point I want someone who I have a relationship with and understands me. I don't want to be just another "number/patient". My office is also working with Dr. Kim and doing things that they wouldn't usually do. Dr. Kim wants me to have about 8 vials of blood drawn and FED-EX'd overnight every month. I called around to independent labs all over OKC and NO-ONE would draw my blood and release to me (except my clinic). 

I know that I am still in early stages of my new immune protocol with Dr. Kim. In all honesty I don't expect another positive pregnancy test for a good few months. As confusing, frustrating and just plain difficult this new protocol has been in trying to implement here in OK, it has been totally worth it. In my heart I feel what I am doing is the right thing. Over three years Al and I tried the same treatment and protocol with the same results. We might get the same results with this also, but I just don't know until I give it a worth while shot. We are getting close to our timeline of living without a child together so we have to give this our all and them some. I do believe in Dr. Kim though. I know people that were given hardly no chance of ever conceiving a child of their own and did exactly that with her protocol . I can't compare this to nationwide studies, but I don't really believe in studies anyway. Things can be twisted on any study to produce certain results. I do also believe that with or without a child that Al and I did everything within our power to have one. I will never look back and think we could have done more. 

I guess after these past few years I have also learned to have patience. Every cycle that goes by I don't look at it like "this is the cycle" I don't really get upset on failed cycles anymore either. I have completely disconnected myself from it. The other day at my u/s my favorite nurse asked if I had my HCG trigger shot. I explained that the specialty pharmacy had not called me back yet. She said that the clinic would sell me one and when the cycle was a success I could bring the other one back and get my money back. I calmly looked at her and asked how long I have been a patient there. She said it was over 3 1/2. So then I smiled and said " Michelle lets not talk about this being a successful cycle anymore. How about we just treat it for what it is and then if we get pregnant and have a heartbeat we refer to it as a success then". She smiled and explained she wanted to be optimistic for me. I get that, I really do, but it is not an optimistic or negative thing anymore. It is what it is and nothing more or less.  If I got emotionally invested in every single cycle and was completely crushed or let down when it doesn't work, I would be a mental case. I do hope that one cycle works though :) 

I guess after all of this ranting, I just wanted to say that regardless what doctors we see, what treatments and/or protocols are used...............................

Al and I will be okay as always. We will love each other daily, work on keeping our marriage strong and being happy with our lives that we have been blessed with. It may not be the life we thought it would be or the life we expected, but it is the life we have been given and will cherish it.