11DPO

Well yesterday was a big fluke. I took tests this morning and both VERY negative. Funny thing is, I am totally okay with this. I was asked this morning in my fb group a very good question that has been going through my mind for months.

"  I hate to play devils advocate but what would happen if you should get a positive and it be a chemical? Would you still be able to keep your same appointment with Dr. Kim?"

This has been the source of some stress in my life. I have considered going on bcp to ensure that no more chemical pregnancies will happen before our visit. As you all know after 6 losses, I can get pregnant, just can't stay pregnant. I keep asking myself what is more important, seeing Dr. Kim or trying to get pregnant for two more months before seeing her. It always slaps me  in the face that by stop trying " it just doesn't feel natural". Although it makes absolute sense because I want to see her so badly. Maybe in my head I keep thinking there will be some unexplained pregnancy and it will work. While the realistic side of me says that isn't going to happen. Of course I think well maybe I will try this coming cycle and take the August cycle off before seeing her. That seems to make sense to me.

At this point, seeing lines pop up on a test and disappear, doesn't effect me like it used to. And honestly going in for beta and seeing numbers that didn't double and waiting for them to go down, not that big a deal either. After actually getting pregnant and seeing a heartbeat only to lose it, that did bother me. For me that was the only true pregnancy I had through this ordeal because there was a little person in there showing me with his or her heart that they were alive. So in many ways that experience has hardened me even more to any progress less than that. I may have a moment of disappointment, but then I move on to the task at hand. It helps me cope and not dwell.

So my next big question is this.  I have been buying Menopur and Follistim to use in conjunction with my Femara. I was planning on starting the combination next cycle, but now I am almost thinking I should wait until my appointment with Dr. Kim. That stuff is super expensive and maybe she will have a protocol to put me on that will help with the chemical pregnancies. So I am thinking maybe Femara for this cycle? Time off for next cycle until I see her and then it's time for me to put the balls to the wall and get busy with new treatments?

Sound like a winning plan?