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Sunday, January 19, 2014

Mistake

This month I made a rookie mistake. When I say rookie mistake I am referring to my own experiences and not others who are going through infertility. I got my hopes up on a cycle. This hasn't happened but a few times since we have been trying to have a baby. I found that the let down is so much worse when you get your hopes up and think a cycle is going to work, verses just focusing on the treatment and future treatments. I am not sure what it was that made me put my guard down. Maybe the fact that I had my first IVIG treatment, maybe the fact that my progesterone was almost 20 on 5DPO, maybe the cramps and back pain I had, maybe the spotting I had on 9DPO? Yes while looking at all the things I can see why I got my hopes up, but it was my rookie mistake and I won't be doing this again. I need to get my head back in the game and focus on treatment and treatment plans. 

I know that many people reading this right now might think that I need to have hope a cycle is going to work and get pumped about it. Maybe years ago I would have agreed with you, but I am way past that point and just trying to deal with things I have control of and not get carried away with those that I don't. It is times like this that I allow myself to get emotionally vested and in order to keep sanity I can't do that, I just can't. 

What ifs........................ I truly dislike what ifs.

My husband said something to me yesterday that totally made me stop in my tracks. We were talking about how I haven't been pregnant in almost a year. I told him that I just don't understand what is going on. He said that maybe the new immune treatments I am on aren't helping, but making things worse. I don't think it could make things worse, but I am almost wondering if it is truly helping me? It has only been about 4-5 months doing this treatment, but one does have to wonder. It wears me down. It really really does. I know that everything I do is for a baby and I don't have any other choice but to do it, but it really does break you down slowly. No matter how strong, how determined you are, it chips away slowly and steady.

 I sent my husband to the store today and he is buying me a 2 liter of Pepsi. I am going to have a few glasses, probably eat some carbs, listen to Pandora and sulk for a day. Tomorrow will be a new day with new starts for next cycle. 

What I feel is impossible today may be possible tomorrow.
 
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8 comments:

  1. AramisJanuary 19, 2014 at 10:15 AM

    I think it's easy to fall back into the trap of hoping when you do something that's a substantial change with your cycle, because you start thinking that maybe THIS is the ONE THING that will make all the difference. I know I've done that (after starting CoQ10, after starting DHEA, the first cycle after my Lupron Depot, etc). I always end up feeling like such an idiot that I thought that something might finally work for a change. You're not alone there.

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    1. Just TJanuary 19, 2014 at 10:21 AM

      Thank you so much. I really really needed to hear that :)

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  2. Shari January 19, 2014 at 12:34 PM

    I didn't do fertility treatments but I did lose 76 lbs to get my PC OS to quiet down. It took 9 months after the weight loss to fall pregnant. It is hard not to have hope after you change things up. I will keep you in thoughts and prayers for the next IVIG to go well and your take home baby to be right around the corner! Enjoy the Pepsi and carbs! :)

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  3. BJanuary 19, 2014 at 10:02 PM

    Nothing wrong with second guessing your doctor. Follow your gut. No harm asking your doctor also if they think this helping or making things worse.

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  4. Mrs. LostJanuary 20, 2014 at 11:04 AM

    It is so hard to really know what is going on so we all do what we feel may help. There is nothing wrong with that friend. And Hope can really be a tricky thing, but I hold out hope for you every month and I have faith that it is going to happen. Enjoy your Pepsi and have a donut or two as well! Soak in a hot bath and be a sad bastard! Then move onto next month. You can do it!!

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  5. Janet Off KilterJanuary 20, 2014 at 1:28 PM

    Everything you've just said makes perfect sense to me. I know exactly how you feel. I know how stupid I would feel on CD1 when I had such high hopes...it's dishearting. Thinking of you xoxo

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  6. Lyndsey DavisJanuary 20, 2014 at 7:34 PM

    The same thing happened to me on my last IUI in November. Hope. Yuck. All it does is let you down. I'm going to try to stay grounded next time as well. Of course we have some hope or we wouldn't be doing any of this but I certainly understand what you mean. Prayers for next cycle.

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  7. AmberFebruary 2, 2014 at 5:59 PM

    I'm sorry Toni. There is nothing wrong with having hope. I think it's a good thing and without it we do all this for not. However, I totally understand exactly what you mean by focusing on the treatments themselves. People got so irritated with me when I talked about the treatments maybe not working, or worrying about things throughout my pregnancy. The fact was that I NEEDED to keep things realistic and be aware that something could go wrong in order to protect myself if it did.

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