Nervous

I am sitting here this morning and so nervous and potentially scared about my appointment with Dr. Kwak Kim. A wonderful fellow blogger Jessiah@dreamingofdimples posted last night about her visit to the CCRM (Colorado Center Reproductive Medicine). I am sure that most of you are very familiar with this place and their reputation. It absolutely broke my heart that her appointment was disappointing to say the least. She felt very un-cared for as a patient and was shuttled through the appointment and then the issue of $. Anyway I am so dis-hearten to read all of this because I am in almost the same situation. My appointment with Dr. Kwak Kim is in two months and there is a long waiting list, plus massive amounts of records and forms etc that we did to see her. Now I am so scared that I have worked this appointment up in my head to be something that might let me down and possibly give me no answers. I know that no one can say what kind of experience we will have and if we will get answers or get pregnant after seeing her. I know it is a total crap shot. I am hoping that 3 1/2 years in, the odds will turn to our favor and something will change. I do have to still prepare myself for the opposite also. Many of you know that I try to stay positive and just as important, realistic. At the very least I know that I have done everything within our financial, emotionally and physical power to get pregnant and that has to be considered a huge success. 

In other news, I go in for my cd13 u/s on Monday and will also be doing a trigger shot. I told Al that after seeing Dr. Kwak Kim I want to be as aggressive as possible with stims. At this point we are still thinking about doing only TI. How could we not when we have been further than iui or ivf treatments? I have secured some Menopur (because of a very special donation), I have also secured Follistim and Lovenox. I am truly hoping we can pull out at least 4 or 5 eggs with these cycles. To cut down on the usage of Follistim and Menopur, I am also going to use in conjunction with Femara and see if we still have a good amount of eggs. I know that every month I have an awesome ovarian reserve. Usually 10-12 on each side. If absolutely needed by the end of year or beginning of next year we might consider a few more cycles of iui with stims. Al and I have talked extensively for the past three years on when we will give up  accept what has been giving to us and move on with other things. Our golden number is 40. I will be 38 in August so we do have a little more time to work with. 

One last thing I wanted to post about today. I posted this quote yesterday and I wanted to explain my position on it a little further.

I don't want anyone to look at this and think " Oh if I think positive then I will get pregnant" that is totally not the meaning of these words. Bad things happen to all of us and it is only you and me who can control how we deal with a situation. If you are positive then you can ultimately find the good in anything, but if you are a negative person you will always see the negative in everything. When you think positive and handle things with an understanding you won't always have a mole hill turn into a mountain. I hope that makes sense. I don't want to change anyone and I know there are many people out that that live off the attention they get from complaining and being negative all the time. I might have been one of those people a while back and then I saw it was not working well for me. Every bad thing that happens to me will of course set me back for a moment, but I have to remind myself to STOP, BREATH, and THINK. 

Okay off to "shit rainbows" for the day