Choice

Everything in your life is a choice. Nothing irritates me more then people saying they don't have a choice. Sometimes the choices you have aren't what you would want. So many things have happened in my life and forced me to make a choice. Some were obviously the wrong one and others were the right.

Today I went in for my last ultrasound before making the final decision on treatment. I didn't want to look at the screen, but I also knew it would be the last time I ever seen my little Circle. The little one laid there still looking exactly the same as last week. Measuring 6W1D and just still. I made the choice today to realize how lucky we truly were with this pregnancy. Al and I both were able to see a heartbeat and life during the short time it was present. My little Circle's heartbeat most likely quit beating that exact same day of the ultrasound. How lucky are we that out of all the times and days, we were there for the most amazing show of life. I will carry that in my heart forever. I will smile when I think of Circle. That is a choice I was given from free will to make. 

On to the more technical part of the appointment. I discussed having the d&c with my doctor. I asked about sending off for testing so we might know what the issues are. Well I think we all know that there are chromonsal issues with Al and I making a baby even though our karotyping is normal. The only fix for that is playing the odds. Hoping for the "one golden egg". I decided against the d&c for the reason of not knowing 100% and one personal reason that I choose not to share. 

We discussed our second option: Natural miscarriage. I decided against this option very quickly. I don't want to wait around and wonder when this is going to happen. I don't want to be a hostage to mother nature anymore. I think she has stolen enough.

Third option: Misoprostol. This is the one I have decided to go with. I will take the medication tonight and it is suppose to work within six hours. Yes there are some unpleasant side effects, but expelling a little person you created can't be easy any way. 

I will go in next week and do another ultrasound to make sure sac is gone and start monitoring levels until they hit zero. I know this is such a long road, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I can't even say where or what we will do after this. I do know take some time for ourselves and our family. Enjoy some traveling, some wine drinking, some casino resorts. Also enjoy seeing Cierra get her drivers license and become a step closer to young adult. We have many things to enjoy in our life.

Thanks for all the support and sticking with me ladies. Please no more pity or sorrow for me. I love you all so much, that time is gone. It is a time for new steps.