Punched in the gut

I received the dreaded phone call today. You  would think I would be referring to my hcg levels dropping to 19, but that is the good news. My doctor suggested that my husband and I go to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine and have ivf with preimplantation genetic diagnosis (pgd). Of course we don't have insurance and there is no way we could even think about affording this option. So truly, it isn't an option. For some reason our embryos are not making it due to chromosomal abnormalities in the developing baby. 

To have a healthy pregnancy is going to be like "finding a needle in a hay stack". Yes my doctor did tell me this over the phone today. He said that he is more then happy to keep working with us and doing everything possible to help us. He said it is all up to me and how much I can emotionally handle. I told him that I am not a quitter and I have a lot of fight left in me. I don't care if we only have a needle in a haystack chance. I will get my glasses on and start looking for that needle. In all seriousness though. I am hurt and pretty angry, but Al and I are so determined. We have already been through so much and there are many of people that don't understand why we keep doing this to ourselves. I can't make them understand, I don't want to make them understand. I just want my husband and I side by side fighting this battle. We will keep fighting this until (A) we run out of money or (B) we are emotionally drained or (C) we actually get pregnant.  For a minute we both agreed that putting a 2nd mortgage on our house or something else that will put a strain our lives in the future is not an option any longer. We took a loan out of our 401 K and almost have it paid back. We have to think about our financial future along with my daughters.

I also spoke with Dr. H about going forward with my laproscopic surgery. I think I am scheduled for January 17th. Until then I will get my mind and body healthy and prepared for anything this world wants to throw at us. Wish I could just tell they universe that she picked the wrong lady to fuck with.

Guess that is all I have for today. Oh! I am also going to ask the doctor if they tested me for the MTHFR gene mutation. My husband thought it would be covered in our karotyping, but I am thinking it is a separate test. If I haven't been tested, I am going to request it.

So I was punched in the gut today, felt the pain, and now am fighting back.