Easter Weekend.

Well I had a PERFECT Easter weekend. Our fishing/camping trip was amazing and I had so much fun. 

Friday I was suppose to leave work at 1:00pm and took a half day of vacation. It didn't work out to well. Friday morning I recieved a call from the boss that we completed a washdown on one of our wells. That means we (I) have to contact all the working interest owners in our well and let them know what is happening, the next step and ask for more money. This has to be done within 24 hours of the completion of this step. So at 11:00 on Friday morning my boss finally got all the numbers I needed and then it was crunch time to get 28 different emails and 28 hard copy letters out to working interest owners. My boss apologized like ten times and I didn't have any co-workers offering to help, in fact I had the opposite problem. So I sucked it up and decided that I would do it all by myself even though the boss said co-workers could help. I ended up walking out of the office around 3:30. Annoyed, but looking very forward to my weekend. Boy did my weekend make that Friday disappear quickly!

After 2 1/2 hour drive we got to the cabin. My sister was already there with her husband and the girls. We unpacked ate dinner and opened a bottle of wine while fishing. That night there was a severe thunderstorm and the thunder and lightening were super loud. Lots of rain into the next morning. We all woke up on Saturday and shared stories of our fears from the storm. I thought the cabin would end up in river, my sister thought lightening was going to hit us. That bad, but still cool! They had an Easter egg hunt to 10:30 and it was pouring rain, but we didn't let that stop us. By noon the sun was out full blast and fishing was on! I caught (5) rainbow trout and lost one huge fish. I am thinking it was a stripper because as soon as my bait hit the water  BAM! It was on and there was a fight. I got the fish almost to the shore and saw the shadow. Then it got off hook. My sister then decided to educate me on the "correct" way to reel in a fish LMAO. I thought about that missed fish all weekend long. My sister caught (3) or (4) and finally Al and my brother in law each caught one last minute. I didn't think it was going to happen. Here are some pictures from our trip. It is still early in the season so the trees are not blooming yet and it still looks like winter. This place is very beautiful especially during later spring throughout fall: Pictures aren't impressive, but you can see the fun we had!

We finally made it home around 1;00 today and in the mail I had this:

These are homemade dish towels from a fellow blogger and friend, Bette. I also got some homemade Christmas tags and little cards. Amazing!! I love the dishtowels so much Bette. THANK YOU!!
 

Funny Infertility Friday & More

Any of the woman who are on my facebook group already seen this, but I am still sharing on my blog today.

 New  reason for infertility?

I will save everyone the pharmacy drama I had last night. When I got home I was honestly ready to lose my shit. I sat down and took a xanax and forgot that when I used to take them, I only took a half at one time. It knocked me on my ass big time. Not a good night for that either. We are leaving for our fishing trip today and I wasn't packed. Al came home and I was seriously out of it. I couldn't even form a sentence correctly. So being the amazing husband he is, he said leave the packing up to him and off to bed I went at 8:00 pm. I did need the sleep though and feel so much better today. We are leaving about 1:00 today and time cannot get here fast enough. I already received a text message from co-worker saying she has sinus headache and will not be in until later. Funny because I've had three migraines within last week and still managed to be to work on time everyday.  I truly despise weak people that just want attention and bitch about every little thing in their world!!!! Sorry but I had to get that out. My co-workers are the Absolute worst! I am anxious to see how things will work around here when I move to Colorado. Of course I am the idiot that stays here and doesn't find another job, so what does that say about me? Exactly!

Oh! Remember the two quilts that I messed up? I didn't know what to do with them and a friend suggested donating them to the Children's Hospital here. I called my husband to see if they would take the donation and yes they will! So now I found homes for them :)

Well that is all for today. I will share pictures of my trip on Monday and hopefully pictures of my rainbow trout!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Quilt Blog

This post today is all about my quilting, so pass if you don't want to read about it :)

Last night I made a HUGE break through on my quilting. Let me start from beginning. The night before last I finished the topper for a fellow bloggers twin girls. I wanted to make the quilts similar, but not the same. First one was finished and I thought it was "okay" until I finished the topper for #2 and then I knew at that moment that #1 was a no go. I sent a message to the mom and told her that the quilts would be delayed because I was redoing them. I stopped by fabric store last night and bought more trim pieces and backing for quilt #1. Since I have a lot of the patterned fabric left I am just starting that quilt over. So anyway back to last night. I put the end trim pieces on quilt #2 and it was looking GOOD! As you all know, I am a beginner quilter so I still haven't started binding yet. I turn everything inside out, layer sew around perimeter and leave about 6 inch gap and pull the quilt through to the right side. That leaves a six inch gap that I have to sew from outside and it is ALWAYS very visible and I hate it! That was until last night. I sat there and looked at this thing for 30 minutes and it finally hit me. I turned my machine to zigzag stitches and did a zigzag around whole outer edge of quilt and it turned out great! Here is a pic of my favorite "to date" quilt. Sorry other ladies I do love your quilts also, but this one was my turning point from beginner quilter to beginner with some more knowledge quilter :)

I have better pictures that I will share when the quilt is completely finished. I have to put some more lines in there to hold the quilting inside together. That is also a "very beginner" thing for me. I have not learned how to do all the little sqiggles on my sewing machine so my quilting is really just x's and lines going across, but still looks good for what it is. I am hoping to finish this one tonight and start back on the first one. At least get squares and strips sewn together before we leave for weekend trip for some trout fishing, wine and heated swimming pools :)


TTC :

I don't know if you guys seen my update from yesterday. HCG levels were still at 56 so no Femara this week. I go back in next Wednesday for u/s & b/w and go from there.
 

Todays Doctors Appointments

I had two doctors appointments this morning. First one was my RE. I went in and picked up my records (which seemed way to thin) and I was right. The girl up front forgot to copy my second chart which consisted of four of my Iui's through the AMIGOS study. No big deal since we aren't planning on seeing Dr. Kim until end of August. I am very interested to sit down and read all of my Doctor notes etc. plus look at all my labs again. From there I went back and had my u/s and blood work. Ultrasound looked good. Lining was 5 and I had 15 antrals on left and 13 on right. Waiting on my hcg levels and if they are low enough I can start my Femara. If not, I have to go back in next week for levels. I have a feeling that my levels won't be low enough this week. I peed on a stick last night and there is still a second line. I can be a good girl and wait until next week though. I am so close :) 

So second doctor appointment today was with my primary and seeing if we had to take this fingernail off. I have been on antibiotics for over a week now. There is new growth on bottom of nail so we decided to let it stay on. If she removed it now, the whole nail including new growth would be removed and it would hurt. Easy decision. Now for the harder decision. As you remember I blogged last week about having some issues coping and having anxiety/depression, but staying silent about it. I finally talked to doctor today. As soon as he mentioned my miscarriages, tears came streaming down my face. There is obviously an issue there as much as I try to hide it, it is there. The sadness is in my heart still. We decided it would be best to start my anti-depressants again. I am going with the milder Prozac instead of the Zoloft or Paxil. That way if we do get pregnant I can still continue to take this medication. I hate that it came to this AGAIN, but I also love myself enough to know when I need help. She called in my referral to Rheumatology and they called me yesterday. My appointment is May 28th. I am nervous about this one. I don't want to start another journey down a road that ends with you may have early stages of Lupus, we don't know, please come back in a few years with any new symptoms. I hope that isn't an issue this time since I am seeing a new doctor and a new hospital affiliation. 

After I left second appointment, I called my husband and told him I am starting anti-depression medications again. If you remember I haven't said anything to him this go around about struggling. He said he thought I was doing great under the cirumstances. I said Al " I told our neighbor I was going to effing kill him, do you not see any issues with that?" He said well normally yes, but he is an asshole. LOL he does have a good point. Maybe I hid it to well from my husband, but I just came out and told him that I need this and I have been struggling silently because I didn't want to burden him anymore.

I never said I was superwoman, but that sure would be nice :)

I will update on HCG levels later today. 


UPDATED:
HCG Level is 56. No Femara this week. U/s & b/w next Wednesday and hopeful Femara then.

 

Tomorrow

Well I lost a follower.  Guess my non baby obsessive post are finally getting to people. It still stings a little when you lose a follower. Oh well their loss....

Okay on to important matters at hand. Do you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is my RE appointment for blood work and u/s. It has been a little over a month since I lost circle. Please keep your fingers crossed that my levels are low enough that I can start trying again. Even more importantly, tomorrow I get to pick up my records from RE so I can send to Dr. Kim in Chicago. This is a huge moment for me. Al and I talked about it and decided we are waiting until end of August. We have a few trips planned already and plan on doing A LOT of camping etc this spring and summer. I couldn't think of a better time to go see her. Have a fun summer, being refreshed and positive going into this. I believe deep down in my heart that she will be the key to us getting pregnant. If not, then I know without a shadow of a doubt that Al and I did everything humanly possible to concieve and for whatever reason, we couldn't. I can also live with that (as I have mentioned previously).

So my baby quilt project has really taken off. I never imagined when I started doing this project that people would be interested. I thought I would make a few quilts, they would fall apart and that would be the end of it. I have never been so wrong. I've had so many woman on facebook contacting me about buying a quilt from me. I won't lie, I am considering doing this in my extra time to make a few extra bucks on the side. My husband is so proud of me. Of course I show him every quilt step by step and explain to him the person I am making it for and what treatment they went through, how many baby/babies they are having and what that person has brought into my life. It is such a touching experience. I know I babble on about the quilts all the time, but it means more to me then words could ever describe. I also feel in a weird way that this is me making up for bad things I have done in the past that could be the reason why I can't conceive. I know most of you say no that is not the reason, but parts of me believe it is. 

Before I leave this post today. I want to specifically talk to all the woman still in the trenches. Just remember to always hold your head up high. Life can really be unfair and kick you so far down that you don't ever believe things will get better. Just remember you are the ONLY person that can allow yourself to be defeated. Be stubborn as HELL. I know failed cycles are devastating, but remember that in time one will work. Simple mathematics, one will work...All the people I personally know that have made it through VERY difficult medical situations and horrible things in their lives is because they are fighters. I also see people that sit back and whine about their situations constantly and put blame everywhere and just let defeat take over and those people are sad.

 

Hello Monday!

Hello Monday. Why do you always come so fast and yet I have to wait so long for the weekend? I am almost starting to despise you as much as AF. That is a warning that you are some very thin ice with me.

Lets get started. Project "redneck tarp" was epic, epic fail! Our fence line is full of trees and bushes. I thought being the engineer I am "not" that we could trim and fit the tarp nice and neatly through the trees. Well that didn't work. Not only did that idea not work, the idea of putting the tarps up on the fence didn't work. Our fence line is east/west facing. I didn't think the wind would be an issue, wrong again. We managed to get two of them up at the very end of fence and zip tied them. The wind is blowing the holy hell out of them and I give it a week before they rip. Good news is........... spring is here and the trees will start blooming soon. That will give us at least 98% coverage of the fence.  Any ideas on a plant/flower I can plant that will take over the fence line and requires little moisture? I tried morning glory's and they didn't even come up. Any suggestions from my flower friends would be so helpful! Oh before I forget we did get the camera up though and it blinks with red lights!

Next order of business. My sister called me late last week and asked if we wanted to go to Marval Resort. It is a resort on the Illinos River here in Oklahoma. Great in the summer for floating and the water is ice cold. Hoping it is great right now for fires and trout fishing! We rented a cabin with my sister, bro- in- law and girls. I was also informed that the outside pool is heated. I might have to shave my legs for this special occasion folks! I will take plenty of pictures, especially if I catch some rainbow trout. I have to be sneaky at fishing because I refuse to pay the State of Oklahoma for a fishing license when I don't even keep the fish. I catch and release. So I guess we will find out who is better at the task at hand, the ranger or me? Details to come. 

As you know when we are gone, two of our dogs fight and it is not good when we come home. I was going to buy a huge kennel at Tractor Supply yesterday, but made the last minute decision to board Boomer at the vet office. Now I feel sad. I know it is the right thing to do, but I hate leaving him there and him feeling like I am never coming back. I mean look at this face!!!

 Finally in TTC or not succeeding at TTC news, LOL:
I have my u/s on Wednesday and blood work to make sure levels are down and everything is quiet. Then off to Femara with some TI.

Anniversary Quilt

I am making Al a anniversary quilt made from his college colors etc.....

Here is the topper:

Project Redneck tarp was epic failure, more tomorrow.

Quilt Pics

Just finished quilt (A) for twin (A) and starting (B) tonight or tomorrow. I also took a pic of the other I am getting ready to ship out this week!

Funny Infertility Friday, Plus This & That

Well ladies my fake camera came in two days ago. Project "tarp the backyard redneck" will be in full force on Sunday. I sit here laughing at the things we find ourselves doing for comfort and peace of mind. Yes, pictures will be shared on Monday! While talking about  mountain man " next door idiot", I have been so giddy the last few days and let me tell you why. Our neighbor to the north, Bill (super nice and sweet man) is watching a golden retreiver for one of his friends from church. He has a large kennel out in the back of his yard and almost on the fence line of mountain man @sshole's yard. This dog he watches barks 24/7! Of course it is a little annoying, but I choose to look at the positive side of this situation. If it is bothering Al and I then I know it is driving mountain man CRAZY!!!!! So I just sit back in between barks and laugh :) Of course the dog is absolutely precious and I always want to go over and bring him home with my clan. He will be leaving tomorrow to go back home to his family though.

On the quilt front, I started (1) out of (2) quilts for the little Griswold twins! I am really excited about this project and two girls, how exciting and fun! They will both have the same fabric but I will design each with a different pattern. Here is the beginning of quilt #1...

 

For any new followers, please see the top quilt tab on my blog for information about my quilts.

Okay on ttc front there is some news: My hcg levels are down to 114. I go in next Wednesday for u/s and blood work just to make sure everything is quiet and on track after miscarriage.  I also broke down and made a call to Dr. Kwak Kim yesterday. We are going to send our records to her clinic and try to get in this fall for testing. For some reason I have a nagging feeling in my gut that we aren't getting pregnant because of immune issues. This is fixable. Al agreed and thought we should know for sure. More news: I am going to start Femara at home with no supervision from RE clinic. I got the okay from doctor. I know I said no more treatment and in my mind taking a few pills isn't considered treatment. But, either way I still want a chance at maybe getting pregnant before menopause.

So that is all for today folks. Stay tuned.......................................................

No ICLW this month & updates

For some reason I am not feeling ICLW this month. Maybe next month I will get back into the hang of things. I also went through my blogger list and cleaned it up. I followed so many people that no longer blog or haven't for a while. I miss reading their blogs, but I understand that life happens. Luckily I do 98% of my blogging at work while sitting here. 

Today I had my doctors appointment for bloodwork. It has been almost 4 weeks since I lost circle. Moments it feels like time is flying by and others it feels like things are standing still and I miss this baby. I think it was so much easier with all my other miscarriages. I didn't see a beating heart, only betas rising and dropping etc. This time it was so real. There was a little human that could have grown up to be my son or daughter. I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I bet he/she would have had AL's big nose and my blue eyes. I do think about these things sometimes. Maybe this week because this cycle is closing down and it will be over. 

Anyway back to doctors appointment for today. I had my hcg and progesterone checked. I know my levels are low and wanted to see if I had already ovulated again. We sat there and talked about future plans (as I blogged about yesterday). She said to me, "Tonisha you are fertile, but you are having problems keeping a pregnancy." She is absolutely right! We then talked about coming in the next time I get pregnant and starting heparin to see if that makes any difference. I agreed. So I guess my "waiting until six weeks before seeing RE" just went down the drain. I would have to start as soon as I found out we were pregnant. 

I have also been keeping a secret. As much as I am keeping busy and trying to move forward and trying to be happy. I am suffering from severe anxiety again and panic attacks. I haven't shared this with my husband or family because I feel so weak that I have no control over it. I hate that it comes into my life whenever and takes over. The doctor noticed the other day and said for me to come back in a week and she would put me on something. Honestly I am tired. I am tired of being on pills to help, I am tired of talking to counselors that DONT help, I am really tired of seeing psychiatrist that wants to ask you 50 questions, spend five minutes with you and then throw samples from her pharmaceutical company. Where do you go? I am at a complete loss on how to get this under control. You know after fighting this condition for so many years I am finally tired. Is there anyone out there that can give me any advice on where to start? I sometimes feel like this is all in my head and I am just a freaking headcase. I wonder if it is possible that all of this anxiety and panic is just in my head and I make it worse unconsciously?  My counselor wants to tell me it was because of my past and abuse. I have accepted all that and moved on, nothing has changed in my anxiety.

Dear God am I a hypochondriac??

I see them all over and hell I work with one of the greatest. I don't see how I am like her, but maybe I just don't see it because I am?

Well I better close up this crazy ass post today. Sorry my mind is everywhere and then some.

I will update with levels later today.