Good Bye 2012

Good bye 2012. I won't be sad to see you go. This year has been filled with a lot of heartache. Two failed ivf's, failed TI cycles and my failed iui just a week ago. I can't say this year has totally been horrible because I am healthy, married to the most amazing man ever and have a beautiful teenager daughter who is awesome (especially for being a teenager).  For the most part my life is truly blessed. 

I am looking forward to 2013. 


For the past few days I have been really upset and feeling like my RE has just given up on me. Maybe he feels that I need more help then what he can offer me and is trying to do the best thing? I wish that CCRM was an option for us, but it just isn't. No matter what way we try to swing it, this just isn't an option. Donor Egg isn't an option at this point either. Due to our insurance and finacial responsibilites, we just don't have many options at this point. I am in the process of talking with a fellow blogger who is pregnant after years of trying. Her story is truly amazing. She seen Dr. Kwak Kim in Chicago who is an immunology RE. After change in her medications etc. and some time she is finally pregnant. I have hope due to the fact that she like me had many chemical pregnancies and was told she would most likely never concieve with her own egg. Well she did and seen a heartbeat this week. I spoke to my husband and we are going to try to get a consultation with Dr. Kwak Kim this year. At least she can work with my RE and get us possibly on a different regimen for treatment. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over. It is very obvious that even know our tests are all normal, we have an underlying issue with eggs or chromosonal abnormalites.  I am going to talk with my RE this week and get tested for the MTHFR gene. We are also going to get a LAP done in January. I am going to take things upon myself and change my vitamin regimen. From what I understand, folate is very important with people who have immune issues. I have been taking aspirin for many months now. I have felt that the aspirin in part has allowed us to actually get as far as we have. My first ivf I didn't take aspirin and it was a bfn. All my other cycles I have and we are at least getting chemical pregnancies.

Lets see what 2013 holds in store for my family this year. At the very least, I hope for our health and happiness (with or without a baby). 

Punched in the gut

I received the dreaded phone call today. You  would think I would be referring to my hcg levels dropping to 19, but that is the good news. My doctor suggested that my husband and I go to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine and have ivf with preimplantation genetic diagnosis (pgd). Of course we don't have insurance and there is no way we could even think about affording this option. So truly, it isn't an option. For some reason our embryos are not making it due to chromosomal abnormalities in the developing baby. 

To have a healthy pregnancy is going to be like "finding a needle in a hay stack". Yes my doctor did tell me this over the phone today. He said that he is more then happy to keep working with us and doing everything possible to help us. He said it is all up to me and how much I can emotionally handle. I told him that I am not a quitter and I have a lot of fight left in me. I don't care if we only have a needle in a haystack chance. I will get my glasses on and start looking for that needle. In all seriousness though. I am hurt and pretty angry, but Al and I are so determined. We have already been through so much and there are many of people that don't understand why we keep doing this to ourselves. I can't make them understand, I don't want to make them understand. I just want my husband and I side by side fighting this battle. We will keep fighting this until (A) we run out of money or (B) we are emotionally drained or (C) we actually get pregnant.  For a minute we both agreed that putting a 2nd mortgage on our house or something else that will put a strain our lives in the future is not an option any longer. We took a loan out of our 401 K and almost have it paid back. We have to think about our financial future along with my daughters.

I also spoke with Dr. H about going forward with my laproscopic surgery. I think I am scheduled for January 17th. Until then I will get my mind and body healthy and prepared for anything this world wants to throw at us. Wish I could just tell they universe that she picked the wrong lady to fuck with.

Guess that is all I have for today. Oh! I am also going to ask the doctor if they tested me for the MTHFR gene mutation. My husband thought it would be covered in our karotyping, but I am thinking it is a separate test. If I haven't been tested, I am going to request it.

So I was punched in the gut today, felt the pain, and now am fighting back.

12/29/2012

I woke up this morning and took another test. It was significantly lighter then the day before. My levels are dropping quickly. That is at least one good piece of news. I am going in Saturday for more bloodwork. I am also going to talk with Dr. H. about going forward with the laparoscopic surgery as soon as possible. I am not sure what else we can do? I mean we have had every test to see why we keep having chemical pregnancies and everything is normal. Where do you even go from here?  I spoke with Al this morning and he agrees that we should move forward with our iuis. He thinks that eventually one will have to work and I hope he is right. 

I would really like to take this time to touch on something that all of us hold very near and dear. I would like to respectfully request that anyone I know please refrain from telling me this is God's will or he will only give me what I can  handle etc. I try to be very respectful of your wishes and your faith, please be respectful in the fact that I am really tired of hearing this said to me. I could go on, but I think this makes my point very clear.

I think that pretty well sums things up. If you don't hear much from me in the weeks to come, please understand that I am taking a step back so I can continue to move forward.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year and let 2013 be a year of laughter, love, and happiness. 

Its Over

My hcg level was 91 today. No Christmas miracle here

17DPIUI

Here I am 17DPIUI. I haven't had any bleeding since last Friday. My pee sticks are no longer working. The test line has been as dark as or darker then the control line for days now. I am in a weird good place? I go in tomorrow for my 3rd Beta. I am nervous, but then again, I'm not. Does that even make any sense? I have a weird inner feeling of peace inside. I know in all reality that just because I am not bleeding doesn't mean that everything is progressing etc. But, I have made it so far this time! I've had the darkest pee sticks ever and I am just accepting in whatever comes tomorrow. 

Please keep me in your thoughts. Since it has been 144 hours since my  last beta and it was 75, if things double at 48 hours, it should be around 600 tomorrow. I would be more then happy with 600. If I pass this beta then this has officially been my longest running cycle. 

You have noticed that my titles are still stating how many days post iui I am. Right now I don't feel comfortable putting weeks pregnant. That is something that I will have to work on.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones, eat great food and celebrate your own special family traditions. 

 Bottom is most recent (This morning)

 Top is most recent (This morning)

15DPIUI

My Christmas Miracle

13DPIUI and beautiful progression on pee sticks. 

 I wanted to give a bit of a update today. Are you ready for this? I have had basically no bleeding. Although I did have a little 10 minute episode yesterday of dark red blood, it was gone in no time. I am sick to my stomach, and it feels like pulling down in my uterus. Instead of being tired I have insomnia  bad. 

If you remember, we weren't going to start treatments up again until next year. I asked Al if he would give me an iui for Christmas not thinking much of it and well you can see the outcome. We had three beautiful follicles. I am definitely feeling more confident as the days go by and the bleeding is staying away and the numbers are going up. This happened to a girl that never believed in miracles and really hated Christmas. How can I still hate Christmas when I have been given the most precious gift a person could ask for? I will be very clear that even if this pregnancy doesn't become viable, I feel so extremely blessed for making it this far.

My nurse wanted to do beta #3 this Sunday, but we are going out of state to visit my husbands family. We didn't go see them last year because we were in the middle of a chemical pregnancy from iui and I was devastated. Since we have to do the blood test in 48 hour intervals, we have to wait until Thursday. I am stocked up on pee sticks and even if they stop getting as dark as I like, I will make it through. What ever will happen is going to happen. It is out of my control now and I can only do what is in my power to help this pregnancy along.

Just wanted to update you guys a little on the events within last few days. I GOT MY CHRISTMAS MIRACLE(S).

12DPIUI Part 2

10DPIUI HCG 23
12DPIUI HCG 75

12DPIUI Part 1

Guess we can start off with pee stick pictures this morning :)

I have been dreaming for the last few  years that my pee sticks would progressively get darker and I would not be bleeding. Still trying to wrap my head around this recent turn of events. Went for beta #2 this morning. In order for it to double, the number would have to be 46. 

I have no idea how far along I am? 12DPO ?

I will update you guys later with hopefully good news :)

11DPIUI/11DPO

I will go ahead and post my FRER picture from this morning

Please excuse me this morning. This post is probably going to be all over the place and scrambled at best. I went in yesterday at 10DPO and my hcg was 23 and my progesterone was 30. The number 30 was ALL me! The progesterone support I was taking doesn't show up in your blood stream. Any of you that have been following me know, my progesterone levels always suck. Even on my ivf with 2cc of progesterone daily it was only in mid 20's. I am really shocked and excited about this. My lines might be getting darker, but they DEFINITELY are not getting lighter and that is huge! I had some bleeding yesterday for about 3 hours and it was kinda watery and orange looking. Nothing since 7 last night and that is HUGE. I called my clinic and asked if we could switch from endometrim to the progesterone oil injections. I don't want to take any chances of unnecessarily bleeding if I don't have to.  We started injections last night. If I was ever going to have a viable pregnancy, this would be it. Unfortunately my husband isn't saying much except "it is early". I know he has been hurt so many times by our failed cycles and I do understand. I wish things were different though, it would be nice to have him jumping up and down about right now. I go in tomorrow for my beta #2. Fingers crossed that my numbers are rising like they should.

I never thought that the decision to have Al give me an iui for Christmas would turn into a Christmas miracle. Even if it doesn't work out, I still consider this a Christmas miracle :)