Seeing Humor Through The Struggle

Sitting in my RE's office triggered this post today. For me humor is very important. It helps keep me on point going through this struggle and without it I would be a very crappy person that no one would want to be around. You know those people that moan and complain about everything in the world?? Yeah that is the person I would be and if that were the case I would ask my husband to seriously divorce me :) So here are a few things that I have found humor in through this struggle:

1. The jar of condoms at the RE office. The thought of condoms and infertility always  makes me laugh. 

2. #1 leads me to #2. The dildo cam covered with a condom. Okay I know the reason for this action, but I still giggle because I always think " yeah the dildo needs to practice safe sex also.

#3 My RE has honestly seen my vagina more than ANY and ALL men I've ever had in my life. This includes the years of marriage with my husband.

#4 The whole conversation my doctor has with me while he is down south. Today he was talking about the Legislative Laws for the year and was interested to see what they would come up with. I could have this conversation over dinner, but it is a little hard when you are peaking at the top of your doctors head between your legs.

#5 Okay this one I don't know first hand, but my husband has told me about the "collection" room. Lets think about this one, if your clinic is making millions of dollars from infertile couples going through treatment, could you not at least put good porn in the collection room? No matter how hot a couple is, I don't think a lady with an afro and blue eye shadow is going to do it? Also a gallon jug of lotion? Couldn't you be a little more surprising and put a cute little bottle of heated ky jelly with a bow on it? Maybe a little mint for after they are done?? I think that would make happier husbands which in return would make happier sperm.

#6 While sitting in a waiting room and the nurse says out loud, "Did you bring your sample or do you need to collect here"? Well we all know that it is not a urine sample and then you have to giggle because you totally know what the poor guy is going to do. This is one thing I don't get involved in with my husband. He does all the dropping off/collection on his own.

#7 Okay so you had your procedure done and they tell you not to take a pregnancy test because it might not be accurate. How in the holy hell is it accurate for 100 million other people, but not for you?

#8 For anyone that has ever had ivf and did progesterone shots. Did your nurse take a permanent sharpie marker and draw a bulls eye on your ass? Well let me tell you how freaking sexy that one is! You can remind your husband that the bulls eye is ONLY for the progesterone shot!

#9 I won't even touch the whole point of trying to have sex while ttc.

#10 The names we come up with for the dildo cam. Our husbands seem to name their cars and we name a giant ass pole being stuck up our vaginas.

Just another day in Infertility Land.... I hope that I made at least one of you smile today. Laughter truly helps through the struggle.

Colorado 2014

Well for the first time in a long time, I am excited! Yesterday while putting the finishing touches on our Colorado trip I came across the Stanley Hotel. For those of you not familiar with this hotel, it is the one they used in the filming of The Shining. I immediately went on and booked a beautiful expensive room for two night there. Of course my thinking when trying to calm my husband down on the price shock was........ this is a priceless visit. How many times will we be near the Stanley Hotel? Of course I have booked the ghost tour and they play The Shining 24/7 on one of the channels on the t.v. Could it possible get any better? Here are a few pictures I pulled off the internet.

I am also excited about visiting Pagosa Springs. We are staying at a resort there and it has 23 hot springs you can go soak in. Here are a few pictures of it.....

Since we are going to be gone for 8 days, I still have a few other things brewing for this trip. Unfortunately we cancelled our trip to Dallas for our four year anniversary. After talking last night, we decided to pour our money into this trip instead.


TTC news:

Yesterdays appointment went fine. Looks like I will have 4-5 follicles for our iui this month. I have my IVIG treatment Friday. My lining was 8.5 on cd7 which totally rocked!

Wordpress Blog /TTC Update/Trips

I have some new followers that use wordpress. Please be patient with me as I have visited your blogs and actually went to comment, but I'm having technical difficulties. I  tried to set up a new wordpress blog about a month ago and couldn't figure it out. Now every time I want to leave a comment on one of these blogs, it requires me to log in on my wordpress and I keep losing my password. I will get all of this straightened out, but want you ladies to know that I am indeed reading your blogs.


TTC News:

Nothing major going on. Today is CD6 and I can proudly say I haven't temped so far for this cycle. It is going hand and hand with all the other things I have given up on for our quest to procreate.  I have 3 months still paid up on FF so I might start temping around ovulation. I go in tomorrow for our CD7 u/s and b/w. Since our last crazy stim cycle with Follistim, the doctor cut my dose from 150 IU to 100IU in hopes my ovaries won't think we are having an IVF cycle without the funding to do so :) Fingers crossed I only produce about 4-6 nice plump follicles this month. Even though we are near the end of our reproducing phase, I still plan on doing my treatments every month until it is time to quit. I still plan on doing my lovenox injections, predisone, metformin, stims, IVIG and IUI or TI. I was looking through all my meds and I believe I have enough until the end of this year. Instead of a little chipmunk stockpiling nuts for the winter, I am the crazy infertility lady that stockpiles months and months of synthetic hormones :)

Trips: 

Before I forget, I have been planning on of our trips for the year. I found a great hotel in downtown Dallas for our 4 year anniversary April 25th. I will also share more details when I get things totally locked in, but our Colorado trip in May is looking amazing. I found a resort/spa that has 23 hot springs on the property. They are all different sizes and temps. Plus it is located right near a river that has the run off from mountains. If you get to hot, you can go jump in for a quick swim. I know we are planning on some white water rafting, visiting Rocky Mountain National Park, Blackhawk casino resort and some other things still in the works. We also have a Christmas trip planned to New York. This is mainly an early graduation present for my daughter. I am really looking forward to our traveling this year.

Inspirational Infertility Friday

Food for thought.

I know that so many of you going through this can COMPLETELY relate to what I am getting ready to discuss. Here we go.

I remember when we were first trying to get pregnant and everyone was telling me to eat pineapple core while in the tww. This is suppose to aid in implantation (FAIL)

I remember starting 81mg aspirin because this was also suppose to aid in implantation (FAIL)

Laying in bed with my feet up over my head like an idiot for ten minutes (FAIL)

Putting a tampon in after ejaculation to help keep everyone in place (FAIL)

Having sex in certain positions to help get spermies into fighting position (FAIL)

Acupuncture (FAIL)

Cut down on carbs (FAIL)

Exercise (FAIL)

Lose some weight and get BMI at 25 or under (FAIL)

Cut gluten out ( was going to try and now I am realizing I am done, so FAIL)

Pump your body full of progesterone (FAIL)

Cut out caffeine (FAIL) 

No alcohol (FAIL)

No iubeprofen during the tww (FAIL)

No heating pads during tww (FAIL)

No sex during tww (FAIL)

Take a shitload of vitamins daily (FAIL) Now you officially look like a senior citizen and can prove it by your big ass pill divider.


I am sure that I am missing about 100 other things and please feel free to add something. Now after four years I have been doing most of this stuff. I absolutely refuse to put my legs over my head after intercourse. That made for an interesting picture once. 

We all give up so much and are willing to try anything that has worked from a woman in a group or something that googled showed or something we read about. Well ladies I am done. I am not being Debbie Downer, but I am freaking done with all this crazy ass stuff. It has robbed so much of my time within the past four years and I am done.  For the remainder of our treatment, I will just go through treatment PERIOD. I am not jumping through circus hoops anymore like a trained dog. 

Now this morning I am going to sit here drink my strong coffee, followed by a few glasses of wine after work and then I may have sex and ask my husband to pull out just to give mother nature a good laugh at the end of the day. 

January ICLW

It has been a while since I fully participated in ICLW. I was getting ready to say here is a "quick" rundown of my ttc journey, but it will be a little bit of a longer rundown. Get some popcorn and a comfy seat :)

My husband and I are both 38. We have been married for almost four years and he doesn't have any children. I was previously married in my late teens/early 20's and had my one and only daughter. She is 16 and a junior in high school. Within the past four years we have been through every treatment that goes along with infertility. 6 IUI's, 2 IVF's, dozen of TI cycles with either clomid, femara. We have suffered through six miscarriages. Actually 5 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage after a heartbeat was detected. 2 Hysteroscopy surgeries and 1 LAP surgery. As you can see, we have been pregnant many times, but my RE thought I had bad egg quality. Earlier this year we saved money and made a trip to Chicago to see a Reproductive Immunologist and she diagnosed with me PCOS, along with numerous inflammatory issues, blood clotting issues, and several mutated gene issues. She started me on a new medical protocol which consists of daily blood thinner shots, steroids, and other medications used to help the immune issues. I also recently started IVIG infusions which is an IV you get once a month and is made from about 1,000 different plasma donors. This is suppose to suppress my immune system and aid in implantation. We have been doing this for several months now. This February will be a year since my last pregnancy/loss. Here is the kicker though. My husband and I have been talking for years on when is the time we move on. We have both decided that the end of this year when we turn 39 will be our time. So the clock is ticking quickly. I think in my heart that this journey is almost over for us. I also know that I can't dwell on that fact because it will make me a miserable nasty person and I refuse to be that. 

So if you are just now finding my blog, you have found me in a transition period. We will continue doing IUI's until the end of the year. After that time, I am still not sure what will happen to this space or where to go. Definitely new doors opening along with new possibilities. 

Thanks for stopping by my little corner of the blog world. Please feel free to leave a message and I would love to stop by and visit you.

Almost that time

I have been thinking about this for several months now. It is almost time for Al and I to move on to another chapter of our lives. Am I ready? 98% of my heart tells me yes and the other 2% wants to keep trying for a baby as long as I can. We are rounding four years. Four very long years of so many challenges. It is so hard to imagine that people are subjected to this in order to have something that should have been gifted to each and every woman. I am looking forward to see where life takes me after this is over. I am interested to see how it effects Al and I and our relationship. I am interested to see what decisions we will make with our lives, what we will spend money on after there are no more treatments left. Interested to know if we will be able to live our lives full and enriched if there we can't have a child. Will we be able to enjoy our trips and vacations? Will we be able to keep having fun with family members babies and enjoy the fact that we can do anything on the drop of a dime? What will happen to this blog and my infertility facebook group? Both this blog and my group have been such a huge part of my life for several years now.  One thing is for sure, I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone other than my husband. I can't imagine going through this with any other person. Still my heart is somewhat sadden that we have done so much within the last few years and still without our baby. I also know that I can't dwell over what is not going to be or what is not meant to be.

So it is almost that time...............................  I am going to go into this with as much grace and poise as humanly possible. I am hoping to eventually shed less and less tears and truly accept what has been given to us and to make the best out of it. Mostly I will try to be thankful everyday for what I do have in my life even though I haven't been given everything I wanted so deeply.

First day gf

Well today is my first day of eating gluten free. To be honest I have no idea why I am giving this a shot except, it can't hurt anything and I have tried every other thing to get pregnant. This task is going to be very difficult for me because I am not a healthy eater nor do I like exercising (at all). Not sure if it is possible but I don't want to go crazy gf, maybe starter gf? I also guess I should say "pretty" close to gf. I won't be one of the people who exam every single thing that comes across my mouth at restaurant etc. I am mainly cutting out ALL breads, tortillas, pastas, soy sauce, some dressings (although hidden valley said their ranch is gluten free), candy (that one is going to be hard),processed meat. I think you all get the point. I am going to give this a fair chance and try it for at least a few months. Who knows, I might like it and I might lose weight :) Then if we don't get pregnant by our deadline I will at least be a sexy beast!

Al and I did talk a little more yesterday about the chances of us having a child decreasing. Even with the immune treatments, at my age and with bad eggs, without using DE etc. it is very doubtful we are going to get pregnant. I have started working on acceptance, although keeping hope that one will prove us wrong. I can say at this point that we have done EVERYTHING and I mean everything to become parents, within our limits. Today is cd1 and I will start Follistim with IUI this cycle. I have IVIG on January 31st.

Mistake

This month I made a rookie mistake. When I say rookie mistake I am referring to my own experiences and not others who are going through infertility. I got my hopes up on a cycle. This hasn't happened but a few times since we have been trying to have a baby. I found that the let down is so much worse when you get your hopes up and think a cycle is going to work, verses just focusing on the treatment and future treatments. I am not sure what it was that made me put my guard down. Maybe the fact that I had my first IVIG treatment, maybe the fact that my progesterone was almost 20 on 5DPO, maybe the cramps and back pain I had, maybe the spotting I had on 9DPO? Yes while looking at all the things I can see why I got my hopes up, but it was my rookie mistake and I won't be doing this again. I need to get my head back in the game and focus on treatment and treatment plans. 

I know that many people reading this right now might think that I need to have hope a cycle is going to work and get pumped about it. Maybe years ago I would have agreed with you, but I am way past that point and just trying to deal with things I have control of and not get carried away with those that I don't. It is times like this that I allow myself to get emotionally vested and in order to keep sanity I can't do that, I just can't. 

What ifs........................ I truly dislike what ifs.

My husband said something to me yesterday that totally made me stop in my tracks. We were talking about how I haven't been pregnant in almost a year. I told him that I just don't understand what is going on. He said that maybe the new immune treatments I am on aren't helping, but making things worse. I don't think it could make things worse, but I am almost wondering if it is truly helping me? It has only been about 4-5 months doing this treatment, but one does have to wonder. It wears me down. It really really does. I know that everything I do is for a baby and I don't have any other choice but to do it, but it really does break you down slowly. No matter how strong, how determined you are, it chips away slowly and steady.

 I sent my husband to the store today and he is buying me a 2 liter of Pepsi. I am going to have a few glasses, probably eat some carbs, listen to Pandora and sulk for a day. Tomorrow will be a new day with new starts for next cycle. 

What I feel is impossible today may be possible tomorrow.
 

No more funny infertility Friday

Well after about two years of posting, I have finally ran out of funny infertility pics. Searching high and low and under rocks, but they have all been used. I have decided to turn my funny infertility Friday into inspirational infertility Friday :) I don't know about any of you, but I for one love seeing inspirational pics and sayings. It has really helped me out of a few dark corners so far and I foresee many more.

Hope you all enjoy as much as I do:

 

TTC news:

 Today is either 9DPO/10DPO and another bfn.