Introducing............

The new do!

Before:

I am not wearing any makeup in these pics. I will take better ones this weekend. I love my new hair do though!

Makeover

Coming through this miscarriage and my surgery has made me want to change. Not sure if I shared it on here, but this lady is GRAY! If I didn't have my hair colored I would be about 90% covered at the age of 38. Here is a pic of me from a few days ago. You can see what I am talking about:

 My grow out is usually not this bad, but I had surgery on the week I usually get my hair done and that put me back two weeks.

I talked to my husband last night and told him I want a huge change for what I feel is like a new chapter in my life. My husband is so supportive, gosh I love that man.

Today after work I will be getting a pixie cut along with blonde hair with darker highlights. Major change.

I will post pictures of before and after.

Today is the first day of the "new" and "improved" Toni.

Funny Infertility Friday

Is back..................................

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Today is a big day for a very dear friend of mine. She is having her 9 week u/s to see how her identical twins are doing. I am very optomistic and hopeful for her! Good luck Steph!

So Proud

I don't talk much about my daughter on this blog. I guess sometimes I am afraid of having a infertility blog and also having a daughter. I know that my loyal readers and friends don't care and totally support me regardless. Still feel guilty about it though.

I am putting all that aside today and bragging on my daughter! I am such a proud mother today and she deserves all the recognition for her accomplishment.

Our city along with school had a contest. It was called the Patriotic garbage can contest. Kids from high school painted garbage cans that would be placed all over our city in an effort to keep city clean. Well out of the the whole school and ALL the cans, guess who won?? Yes! My awesome amazing daughter Cierra. Here are some pics of her work..........

Congratulations Cierra. Everyday you amaze me with what a woman you are turning into. As a parent, I couldn't be more blessed.
 

Pictures & Updates

Gosh I feel like I have totally been out of touch with everyone in my blog and infertility page. I can say with 100% confidence that I am starting to feel like my old self again.  As much as I didn't want it to happen because I try to stay strong and be supportive to so many, this miscarriage totally devastated me. Much worse than I let on to anyone, even my husband. I had a huge hole in my heart and the depression was almost more than I  could bare. As you know the doctor prescribed prozac and xanax. Honestly think that it made my depression even worst. I kept thinking that once a new cycle started I could start moving forward and feeling better. As you know, that took forever. Having this surgery completely renewed my spirit and faith on moving forward in my life. I look down at my incisions and it will always remind me of a new beginning after I hit rock bottom. 

Guess what! Today I went back and started working on my quilt project again. This was something I have been so passionate about and totally lost all passion within the past few months. I knew that I had quilts promised to people and WOULD finish them, but my heart wasn't there. Today it came back. As I sewed, I smiled, I felt good, I was singing along with the radio and so proud of my work. The passion is back and this is something I am the most grateful for. I am even more grateful for this over my body moving on after miscarriage. I want to help as many people as I can in my life. This is my way of reaching out and this is my way to show woman who have suffered through infertility that there is always hope! What a truly amazing feeling. There aren't even words to describe how absolutely grateful I will be to have my groove back.

I went out yesterday against "husband orders" of relaxing and planted flowers in my flower beds. I also mowed half of the yard. I did get in trouble for that. Of course my husband knows I do what I want when I want. He was working on replacing a hot water heater all day along with faucets in the house and that was a huge job for him. I wanted to help out, but mainly I love how good our huge yard looks when it is freshly mowed!

Cierra had her first 6 hour driving class on Saturday. She came home and told me they watched the film " Red Asphalt" not sure if any of you ever had the viewing pleasure of watching that video, but it is filled with blood and guts of real wrecks. Poor kid! I am glad she knows what can happen when you are driving though and can learn to be a responsible driver. 

So here are some random pictures of weekend etc....... Hope you enjoy. 

I also plan on getting caught up with blogs. So sorry I haven't commented much lately. It is hard to compose thoughts on pain medications.

Cierra helped me pick out flowers yesterday and then wanted to take Mom & Daughter picture for Mothers Day. I really love this girl!

My newest quilt for Tara and little girl!

My flower beds.

And Finally......................................

Max being such a ham. He is soaking up the sun today :)

Recovery Update

Sorry I am just now getting around to update my surgery. I've had a little harder time recovering than I thought I would. Surgery went well. I have two working tubes, he removed that huge cyst I had on my right ovary. No endo found. He did find a mass that was sent off for a biopsy. He seems to think it was left over from our miscarriage. 

When I came out of anesthia I was in a lot of pain so they gave me morphine and it made me sick to my stomach. I did feel much better after puking though. I couldn't pee either. They usually require you pee before leaving. After doing a ultrasound, I only had two teaspoons of urine in my bladder so they let me go home and said if I didn't pee by 9:00 that night to come back to the hospital. Thankfully I did (a little). I was up all night with the urge to go but only dribbles coming out. Finally yesterday my bladder woke up and was working fully again. I've had some significant pain where my incisions are and dizziness still from anesthia wearing off, but all and all I am doing much better and getting stronger everyday.

I took off work until Tuesday. That gives me plenty of time for recovery.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

My daughter is heading out to her first day of driving school! Yes I am still shocked that I am the parent of a "almost" driving teenager. My poor insurance!

surgery

Surgery went well. Both tubes are now open, cyst removed and doctor found a mass that he thinks came from my pregnancy. Sent it out forbiopsy. Will update more later.

New Ticker

Did any of you notice my new beautiful ticker to the right----------------------->
Yes we have a scheduled appointment with Dr. Kwak Kim for August 26th, 2013 at 7:30 a.m. We heard back from financial office this morning and our coverage is pretty darn good when it isn't infertility. We are looking at about $2500 which will be worse case scenario and they let you make payments for up to a year.

My nerves are at panic attack level today. I talked to anesthesiologist and watched videos for surgery tomorrow. Received news that we are finally going in to see  another specialist. So much stuff going on!!

Surgery is at 9:30 tomorrow and I will most likely be out of pocket all day long. I will update when I can.

Pre-Op

I go in for pre-op paperwork etc at 10:30 this morning. I am filled with so many different emotions about this surgery. Of course fear is #1 and anxiety is running a close second. Once I get past those feelings, I start to wonder if I should have hope on this surgery. Sometimes I close my eyes at night and imagine the surgery was a huge success and infact my right tube was blocked. I imagine it is now open and working along with my uterus being healthy and cleaned out. This will make the difference............................

After so many failed treatments and so many losses, this will be what changes for me.
 
Then my common sense kicks in and tells me that we need way more then this surgery to make a difference. Either way it is a good starting point. 

My husband is starting to get excited about seeing Dr. Kim. I think he is starting to believe she can really help us, one way or the other. I think so too, but I also put so much trust in my current RE and look at where we are at now. 

So many emotions.......................................... 

I am back from my pre-op. We ended up doing an u/s because of questions raised on whether we should remove a fibroid I still have. Since my uterus is retroverted, the fibroid is located on the very back and out of the way. My doctor said he is almost certain that is not the reason for our miscarriage and infertility. If we decided to remove that one, I would end up in the hospital because he couldn't sew it back up fully through a laprascope. He believed at this point it would do more damage then good. So I agree with going forward on LAP and hysterscopy at this point and leaving that fibroid alone. My lining was at a 6 and I had a 42 mm cyst on my right ovary. He is going to drain it during surgery.
He also asked if I was still planning on seeing Dr. Kim in Chicago. I told him we already sent records and are waiting for an appointment. He is very interested in what she finds. Of course I told him that three years in and all my miscarriages, something HAS to change. I can't keep doing what we are doing with the same result.

Surgery Anxiety

You would think as many surgeries as I have had, it wouldn't be a big deal anymore. Honestly, I think the more I have, the worse my anxiety gets. I know I need this surgery next week. I also know it is simple procedure, yet my anxiety is through the roof. I HATE anesthesia and the fear of dying. I know, total drama queen. I keep telling myself that so many other people have surgeries WAY more extensive then mine and are just fine. I am being so irrational about all of this and I know that. Why can't my mind just accept that and move on? Instead I am sitting here with worry and more worry. I have even taken xanax and it is not helping at all!

Do any of you have an irrational fear of something? How do you cope?

I keep telling myself after this surgery I will have to smooth running tubes and a sparkling clean uterus!