CD1?

I have never been so out of touch with my body until this last miscarriage. Yes I also took things into my own hands and took some medications that I should have waited to take. I have no one to blame but myself. I blogged a little about this yesterday so forgive me if I repeat what has already been said. My doctor called in a prescription last week for provera. I guess we all decided that 60 days after miscarriage and no AF was long enough. Any longer and I might lose my shit ever more then I have. Well I didn't want to start it until we got back from our anniversary trip (which was Sunday). I took a pregnancy test just to make sure and it had a very faint positive. The next day was the same and then the line faded. So I do believe some how we managed to have fertilization but no implantation. Yesterday I started bleeding (FINALLY)! Called my clinic with cd#1 and got my surgery scheduled. Insert happy smiles!! By last night the bleeding totally stopped and nothing this morning on way to work. Thought I was wrong AGAIN. Called clinic and left a message that I have no freaking idea what the hell my body is doing anymore. Fast forward another hour..... come to work, use bathroom and a whole bunch of red blood comes out and now bleeding again. Not sure for how long or if this is going to last or just another teaser is my life lately.

After all we have been through I have tried so hard to stay positive and upbeat, but this last miscarriage and what is following has really messed with me. I don't think I have ever been more depressed! I don't think my meds are working either or they are making things worst, not sure. I sure hope with everything I have that this surgery is a turning point to good things happening in the fertility world. So many years, so many losses, so much money...... I am honestly going to say something I never thought I would say BUT when will it be my turn? I have been patient. Please cut me a break...........................


UPDATED:
Just heard back from  my clinic. I am going on bcp until surgery next week. She said that even if I quit bleeding again we are moving forward.  

Anniversary Trip & More

Well we are back from our anniversary trip. Why is it that you need a break after vacation to relax because you are exhausted? The trip didn't go as planned and that seems to be the theme of my life lately, but it was great nevertheless. It rained ALL weekend. Our tree house was so lovely and you could feel it swaying when you walked across the floors. That was a little weird! They had us a gift basket and a banner in the house when we arrived. Here are a few pics of the tree house.

We did a lot of driving and sight seeing in the mountains etc. Not much to do when it rains for days.

And now for the ugly: I thought about whether I should even post these pics and give any kind of credit to a obvious lunatic. It is so hard for me to believe there is SUCH hate out there. 

 This guy has huge guard dogs all over his property. There had to been at least 20 of them chained everywhere. I had to stop and take pictures because I was in such disbelief. I am not a fan of Obama and would NEVER wish ill toward him or his family!


I still have more pics on my camera. This was from my phone driving around. I will post some more later on.


In ttc news. I wanted to wait until we got back from our trip to start my provera. I took a hpt on Sunday and there was a faint positive. I took one again yesterday and today and the line is totally faded. I won't say I am upset, because I am not. Today is 67 days after my miscarriage and I am ready for surgery and then back to ttc before seeing our specialist that will get me pregnant.

I'm back!

Hey all! I am back and have pictures and stories to share of my travels this past weekend. Give me a day or two to get caught up and I will share everything with you beautiful ladies!

Three Year Anniversary

Today is my 3 year anniversary to the most amazing man I have ever known.

 When we said through good times and through bad times, we meant it. Our marriage started off with infertility and three years later we are still going through it. We have been tested and I can  proudly say that our marriage is stronger then ever. I look at this man beside me in this picture and I ask how I was so lucky to have him put in my life. Total opposites we are, but perfect for each other in every way.

Happy Anniversary Al. I love you more then words could even begin to describe.

We leave tomorrow for a trip to Eureka Springs (where we got married). I found three pictures of our wedding and we are going to the wedding chapel to take same pose three years later. Not in these outfits because I cant fit in my wedding dress anymore :) I thought this would be awesome to add to our wedding album. We are staying in a treehouse for the weekend and just shopping and spending time with each other. Much needed time.

I will take some pics for you guys! See you Monday :)

60 days

Today is 60 days since miscarriage and still no period. I finally sent my clinic an email and told them I can't take this anymore. I was told to take pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant (which I did & I'm not). 

I get to start provera to jump start and then I can get scheduled for my surgery!!!!

Today I am thankful, so thankful! 

Welcome ICLWers!

Hi! Thank you for thanking the time to stop in my little part of the blogging world. I have a pretty good infertility resume and continue to add every day. Here is a little bit of my history.

Married my amazing husband in April 2010. We started trying a few months before marriage with just natural timing cycles. After six months when that wasn't working, I went to an OB/GYN to have test ran because I was 35 at the time. All my test came back normal and husbands test came back normal. Since then we have:

 10 cycles of clomid/Femera and TI.
4 rounds of iui with Follistim
1 round of iui with Femara
2 Ivf's
2 Hystercopies
5 miscarriages

I am still waiting to start a new cycle from my last miscarriage at 7 weeks in February. Once it starts I am going in for another hysteroscopy  and a LAP. After a few years with my current RE, I feel he has pretty well given up on us and we recently sent our medical records in to Dr. Kwak Kim. She is an immunology RE and specializes in people with recurrent miscarriages. Since we live in Oklahoma and she is located in Chicago, our appointment won't be until the end of August. She is honestly my last hope of conceiving. It has been a long 3 years of tears, anger, some happiness and sometimes total disbelief.

I decided about six months ago to start something near and dear to my heart. It is called "Project Quilting for Pregnancy after Infertility". I have never touched a sewing machine until last October and self taught on quilts. I am proud to say that I just finished my  7th & 8th quilt (twins). This is a great way for me to work out my feelings and do something special for woman whom have gone through exactly what I am . If you want to check out my quilts, go to the top of my page and click on Baby Quilts. I have also started a small intimate group on facebook called Chapters Through Infertility & More. This group is a little different then most because I have woman from all aspects of IF. Some of us are still trying, some are pregnant, some had their babies and some aren't able to have anymore children. I am very proud of this group and the support is amazing. I consider all of these woman my friends. 

So there you have it. My little run down of life in the trenches of infertility so far. I don't know what is going to happen, but I will make the best of whatever is put in my path.

Thank you for stopping by!! Hope to hear from you.
 

Chart Help

This is the first chart I have ever done and started in middle of 53 days cycle following my miscarriage. I still haven't started cd #1. As you know last week I went to the doctor and had a 26mm follicle with E2 levels only in the 40's. I assumed it was a cyst. Now looking at my chart it seems I did ovulate. Any help on this would be great.....

Do you believe ovulation took place? Then the second dip I thought was me getting ready to start my period finally and then temps when back up. LIke I said I don't understand charting yet.

Struggling

I have been thinking about this post and rather I should write it or not. After emailing a good blogging friend (although never met in real life, she is such a huge support to me). I told her I am struggling and not wanting to say much about it. Everyone around me is pregnant or working on getting pregnant and I feel like I am sitting in an endless black hole filled with nothing! I am struggling to be positive and I am struggling to look forward to see what life has in store for me. As of right now, I just can't see anything. I am feeling pretty crappy and hopeless and I haven't felt like this in years (to this point). If you are a fellow blogger friend and are pregnant, please know this isn't anything bad about you, it is only about me and feeling so lost on what to do or where to go. I think the biggest blessing is seeing a fellow friend suffering from infertility get pregnant. 

Today is 54 days since my miscarriage. No ovulation No period. 

My sister sent me a text last night asking if I researched Dr. Kim. I told her yes and asked why. She responded that she had also and was very impressed with her research and then she said " You must go see her! She will be the one to help you move forward or give you a baby". I have been thinking about that statement all day. She is right though. As all of you know, I have lost total faith in my RE. The only reason I am staying with him at this point is because he can prescribe me medications. As far as treatments, we are done giving them money and getting nothing in return. This last week really sealed the deal for me. Who perscribes an hcg shot for a 26 mm follicle with only a E2 level in the 40's? Really is there even an explanation for that? I do trust him to do my surgery and that is where it ends. I think after two ivfs, 5 iui's, countless TI cycles, and 5 miscarriages things need to change.

Is holding on to hope that Dr. Kim can help me "move forward or give me a baby" to much? Am I expecting more out of her than I should? After being let down so many times through my current clinic and NO answers on what is wrong with us, besides of course "the bad eggs" generic response. Am I truly expecting to much from this visit?  

I do know one thing in my heart without a second guess. Al and I will be okay without a baby together. We will continue to readjust our lives and thrive. Will I still in moments have a sadness that we couldn't have a child together? Of course I will. That will always be with me. I think regardless what happens I will always want a child. I just might have to accept that I can't have one.

Please universe I have truly paid my dues. Is there any end in sight? Lets just start with something easy. Please, Please send me a period! And if it isn't asking to much, either this week or in two weeks, but not next week during my 3 year anniversary get a way with my husband who truly needs some intimate time with his wife......

Any bets on when period will show? LOL my $ says next week just to rub it in :)

Anyway thanks for all the support and listening to me flood the whine gates today. I really needed to get it out and have someone listen. 

Totally unrelated, but here is a pic of our yard after a huge rain storm yesterday evening:

 

Side Effects

This last week and a half I have felt completely and totally worthless. I am exhausted, no appetite, headaches, canker sores developed in my mouth. Total decreased sex drive and I could honestly sleep 18 hours a day. I told Al last night I was worried why I was feeling this way and BAM!!!! it hit me. The prozac. I just finished looking on the common side effects and there it all was a clear as day. 

Either I have severe anxiety and depression or I feel like a worthless zombie.

Is there really no in between????

Dr. Kwak Kim

I am trying to get information from anyone who read's my blog and/or knows a person who seen Dr. Kwak Kim.  I sent in my paperwork and called today to make sure they had received it. After doing some research online, I am really scared about the cost of seeing her. I do have insurance and insurance they accept. I don't think any of the blood tests will be covered since it is IF or RPL. I am really trying to find out the cost of seeing her. If you or anyone can help, please let me know.

Also how much are you charged for after care calls/emails. Doesn't she work with your current RE and/or OB?