Random Babbling

Well as you know I had my blood work done yesterday and my levels were still at 21.7. The nurse said starting Femara was of course a no go again this week. I won't lie, I was very disappointed. Every chemical and miscarriage I have encountered ALWAYS has slow dropping hcg levels. Feeling so defeated this week. I told Al last night that I am having remorse on deciding against treatments and iui. Of course his response was " we made it further without treatments then we ever did with", but after he said that I responded that I thought it was a total fluke and wouldn't expect it to happen again. I guess you never know. The facts are my eggs are crap. We have a higher chance of success by stimming with better medications and making more eggs. 

After hearing the news yesterday I seriously considered starting myself on Femara or Clomid. I did still have some left overs in the house. Even after donating and clearing out my medicine cabinets. All the ladies on my blog highly recommended that I didn't start without my doctors consent. I was in the stubborn thinking mode of " hey I have been in this game long enough and I am NOT waiting any longer". When I got home it was my intention to start my Femara, but I decided against it. Which I still sit here thinking that wasn't the right decision either. Of course I have NO idea what cd I am on. My last period was on 12/31/2012. I bled four weeks after my miscarriage and taking that damn pill. So maybe medically speaking, I should just wait. The nurse told me to keep taking ovulation test until  next week and if I haven't ovulated by then I could start the Femara. 

I just want a shot at this....................................... 

I started my Prozac about a week ago. I know it takes weeks to get into your system, but I have noticed that every night I take it, it makes me so tired. Last night I was in bed sleeping by 8:00 pm. I don't remember having that the last time. 

This weekend Cierra is going to spend the weekend with her dad. Al and I are having dinner with an old friend on Saturday and also going to the Art Museum to see an exhibit he is really excited about..

Oh and I will leave you with pictures of our flooded yard. It has been raining here for days. I won't complain since we have been in a drought for about two or three years now. 

And I don't think I need to tell you what our house smells like when we get home and let in three wet dogs (that refuse to go into their nice dry house with hay). Stupid dogs :)

Oh and before I forget, my 4lb package of medical records that was sent to Dr. Kwak Kim in Chicago today!

Ready to move on

Today marks 5 weeks 2 days since I had my miscarriage and lost circle. I went in this morning for another hcg draw. I am SO ready to move on. Waiting for levels to go down is the absolute worst.

Please keep fingers crossed that my levels are low enough today that I can start Femara back up. 


UPDATED:

No go again this week. A girl sure can get tired of this crap after a while!

Absolutely Sickened!

I came across a story on Yahoo this morning. I usually don't even read the papers or watch the news much anymore do to the fact of pure evil and craziness in this world. This morning topped anything I have ever seen on the news and I sit here at my desk with my heart absolutely sunken into my chest....

I warn you that this article is BEYOND disturbing and it is about a baby being killed. 

http://news.yahoo.com/ohio-man-sexually-assaulted-baby-seeks-mercy-063748827.html

This monster gets drunk and has sex with his girlfriends 6 month old baby.  He killed the baby and now claims it was an accident and he shouldn't be put to death.  The pure evilness and sickness of this man makes me want to vomit. It makes me wonder why there aren't stricter laws in place for these monsters??

Stephanie, I know you are a defense attorney. Do you have any input on this ? 

I guess this hits so close to home. Being from a family of child molesters and knowing first hand what it feels like, I am just absolutely devastated after reading this story. I don't believe there is help for these scum of society. I don't think jail helps, I don't think counseling helps. They are branded with a sickness that is so perverse and dark, there is no saving them. I honestly believe they should be screwed up the ass with a tree and know how it feels "literally" to be raped as a child or a baby. 

When does shit like this stop?? What do we do as a society to stop child sexual abuse? How many of us have to have our inocence and lives stolen before something changes? All my life this is a subject that is considered taboo. If you know it is happening you pretend you don't, if you hear it is happening you turn your head. If you see it is happening you justify why it is not your problem. When does it stop?

My father drugged and raped boys in our family.  There were other also, our friends etc. My whole family knew it was happening, no one said anything. All the adults in the family knew he was a monster and still let her children around him. Now I have cousins etc. that are child molestors doing the same thing. Or have family members that are fucked up on drugs etc. because they can't deal with their past.

When does this stop??? When?

The only thing that helps me sleep at night is knowing my father and his father are dead and in the cold ground where they belong, never to hurt another child again. 

As most of you know I am not religious and don't believe in God or Heaven/Hell, but I would hope that these diseased creatures would be burning in hell for eternity if hell does exist. 

Sorry for the long dark rant, but this is something I have battled with all my life and wish I could save the innocent beautiful souls from the darkness. 

Easter Weekend.

Well I had a PERFECT Easter weekend. Our fishing/camping trip was amazing and I had so much fun. 

Friday I was suppose to leave work at 1:00pm and took a half day of vacation. It didn't work out to well. Friday morning I recieved a call from the boss that we completed a washdown on one of our wells. That means we (I) have to contact all the working interest owners in our well and let them know what is happening, the next step and ask for more money. This has to be done within 24 hours of the completion of this step. So at 11:00 on Friday morning my boss finally got all the numbers I needed and then it was crunch time to get 28 different emails and 28 hard copy letters out to working interest owners. My boss apologized like ten times and I didn't have any co-workers offering to help, in fact I had the opposite problem. So I sucked it up and decided that I would do it all by myself even though the boss said co-workers could help. I ended up walking out of the office around 3:30. Annoyed, but looking very forward to my weekend. Boy did my weekend make that Friday disappear quickly!

After 2 1/2 hour drive we got to the cabin. My sister was already there with her husband and the girls. We unpacked ate dinner and opened a bottle of wine while fishing. That night there was a severe thunderstorm and the thunder and lightening were super loud. Lots of rain into the next morning. We all woke up on Saturday and shared stories of our fears from the storm. I thought the cabin would end up in river, my sister thought lightening was going to hit us. That bad, but still cool! They had an Easter egg hunt to 10:30 and it was pouring rain, but we didn't let that stop us. By noon the sun was out full blast and fishing was on! I caught (5) rainbow trout and lost one huge fish. I am thinking it was a stripper because as soon as my bait hit the water  BAM! It was on and there was a fight. I got the fish almost to the shore and saw the shadow. Then it got off hook. My sister then decided to educate me on the "correct" way to reel in a fish LMAO. I thought about that missed fish all weekend long. My sister caught (3) or (4) and finally Al and my brother in law each caught one last minute. I didn't think it was going to happen. Here are some pictures from our trip. It is still early in the season so the trees are not blooming yet and it still looks like winter. This place is very beautiful especially during later spring throughout fall: Pictures aren't impressive, but you can see the fun we had!

We finally made it home around 1;00 today and in the mail I had this:

These are homemade dish towels from a fellow blogger and friend, Bette. I also got some homemade Christmas tags and little cards. Amazing!! I love the dishtowels so much Bette. THANK YOU!!
 

Funny Infertility Friday & More

Any of the woman who are on my facebook group already seen this, but I am still sharing on my blog today.

 New  reason for infertility?

I will save everyone the pharmacy drama I had last night. When I got home I was honestly ready to lose my shit. I sat down and took a xanax and forgot that when I used to take them, I only took a half at one time. It knocked me on my ass big time. Not a good night for that either. We are leaving for our fishing trip today and I wasn't packed. Al came home and I was seriously out of it. I couldn't even form a sentence correctly. So being the amazing husband he is, he said leave the packing up to him and off to bed I went at 8:00 pm. I did need the sleep though and feel so much better today. We are leaving about 1:00 today and time cannot get here fast enough. I already received a text message from co-worker saying she has sinus headache and will not be in until later. Funny because I've had three migraines within last week and still managed to be to work on time everyday.  I truly despise weak people that just want attention and bitch about every little thing in their world!!!! Sorry but I had to get that out. My co-workers are the Absolute worst! I am anxious to see how things will work around here when I move to Colorado. Of course I am the idiot that stays here and doesn't find another job, so what does that say about me? Exactly!

Oh! Remember the two quilts that I messed up? I didn't know what to do with them and a friend suggested donating them to the Children's Hospital here. I called my husband to see if they would take the donation and yes they will! So now I found homes for them :)

Well that is all for today. I will share pictures of my trip on Monday and hopefully pictures of my rainbow trout!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Quilt Blog

This post today is all about my quilting, so pass if you don't want to read about it :)

Last night I made a HUGE break through on my quilting. Let me start from beginning. The night before last I finished the topper for a fellow bloggers twin girls. I wanted to make the quilts similar, but not the same. First one was finished and I thought it was "okay" until I finished the topper for #2 and then I knew at that moment that #1 was a no go. I sent a message to the mom and told her that the quilts would be delayed because I was redoing them. I stopped by fabric store last night and bought more trim pieces and backing for quilt #1. Since I have a lot of the patterned fabric left I am just starting that quilt over. So anyway back to last night. I put the end trim pieces on quilt #2 and it was looking GOOD! As you all know, I am a beginner quilter so I still haven't started binding yet. I turn everything inside out, layer sew around perimeter and leave about 6 inch gap and pull the quilt through to the right side. That leaves a six inch gap that I have to sew from outside and it is ALWAYS very visible and I hate it! That was until last night. I sat there and looked at this thing for 30 minutes and it finally hit me. I turned my machine to zigzag stitches and did a zigzag around whole outer edge of quilt and it turned out great! Here is a pic of my favorite "to date" quilt. Sorry other ladies I do love your quilts also, but this one was my turning point from beginner quilter to beginner with some more knowledge quilter :)

I have better pictures that I will share when the quilt is completely finished. I have to put some more lines in there to hold the quilting inside together. That is also a "very beginner" thing for me. I have not learned how to do all the little sqiggles on my sewing machine so my quilting is really just x's and lines going across, but still looks good for what it is. I am hoping to finish this one tonight and start back on the first one. At least get squares and strips sewn together before we leave for weekend trip for some trout fishing, wine and heated swimming pools :)


TTC :

I don't know if you guys seen my update from yesterday. HCG levels were still at 56 so no Femara this week. I go back in next Wednesday for u/s & b/w and go from there.
 

Todays Doctors Appointments

I had two doctors appointments this morning. First one was my RE. I went in and picked up my records (which seemed way to thin) and I was right. The girl up front forgot to copy my second chart which consisted of four of my Iui's through the AMIGOS study. No big deal since we aren't planning on seeing Dr. Kim until end of August. I am very interested to sit down and read all of my Doctor notes etc. plus look at all my labs again. From there I went back and had my u/s and blood work. Ultrasound looked good. Lining was 5 and I had 15 antrals on left and 13 on right. Waiting on my hcg levels and if they are low enough I can start my Femara. If not, I have to go back in next week for levels. I have a feeling that my levels won't be low enough this week. I peed on a stick last night and there is still a second line. I can be a good girl and wait until next week though. I am so close :) 

So second doctor appointment today was with my primary and seeing if we had to take this fingernail off. I have been on antibiotics for over a week now. There is new growth on bottom of nail so we decided to let it stay on. If she removed it now, the whole nail including new growth would be removed and it would hurt. Easy decision. Now for the harder decision. As you remember I blogged last week about having some issues coping and having anxiety/depression, but staying silent about it. I finally talked to doctor today. As soon as he mentioned my miscarriages, tears came streaming down my face. There is obviously an issue there as much as I try to hide it, it is there. The sadness is in my heart still. We decided it would be best to start my anti-depressants again. I am going with the milder Prozac instead of the Zoloft or Paxil. That way if we do get pregnant I can still continue to take this medication. I hate that it came to this AGAIN, but I also love myself enough to know when I need help. She called in my referral to Rheumatology and they called me yesterday. My appointment is May 28th. I am nervous about this one. I don't want to start another journey down a road that ends with you may have early stages of Lupus, we don't know, please come back in a few years with any new symptoms. I hope that isn't an issue this time since I am seeing a new doctor and a new hospital affiliation. 

After I left second appointment, I called my husband and told him I am starting anti-depression medications again. If you remember I haven't said anything to him this go around about struggling. He said he thought I was doing great under the cirumstances. I said Al " I told our neighbor I was going to effing kill him, do you not see any issues with that?" He said well normally yes, but he is an asshole. LOL he does have a good point. Maybe I hid it to well from my husband, but I just came out and told him that I need this and I have been struggling silently because I didn't want to burden him anymore.

I never said I was superwoman, but that sure would be nice :)

I will update on HCG levels later today. 


UPDATED:
HCG Level is 56. No Femara this week. U/s & b/w next Wednesday and hopeful Femara then.

 

Tomorrow

Well I lost a follower.  Guess my non baby obsessive post are finally getting to people. It still stings a little when you lose a follower. Oh well their loss....

Okay on to important matters at hand. Do you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is my RE appointment for blood work and u/s. It has been a little over a month since I lost circle. Please keep your fingers crossed that my levels are low enough that I can start trying again. Even more importantly, tomorrow I get to pick up my records from RE so I can send to Dr. Kim in Chicago. This is a huge moment for me. Al and I talked about it and decided we are waiting until end of August. We have a few trips planned already and plan on doing A LOT of camping etc this spring and summer. I couldn't think of a better time to go see her. Have a fun summer, being refreshed and positive going into this. I believe deep down in my heart that she will be the key to us getting pregnant. If not, then I know without a shadow of a doubt that Al and I did everything humanly possible to concieve and for whatever reason, we couldn't. I can also live with that (as I have mentioned previously).

So my baby quilt project has really taken off. I never imagined when I started doing this project that people would be interested. I thought I would make a few quilts, they would fall apart and that would be the end of it. I have never been so wrong. I've had so many woman on facebook contacting me about buying a quilt from me. I won't lie, I am considering doing this in my extra time to make a few extra bucks on the side. My husband is so proud of me. Of course I show him every quilt step by step and explain to him the person I am making it for and what treatment they went through, how many baby/babies they are having and what that person has brought into my life. It is such a touching experience. I know I babble on about the quilts all the time, but it means more to me then words could ever describe. I also feel in a weird way that this is me making up for bad things I have done in the past that could be the reason why I can't conceive. I know most of you say no that is not the reason, but parts of me believe it is. 

Before I leave this post today. I want to specifically talk to all the woman still in the trenches. Just remember to always hold your head up high. Life can really be unfair and kick you so far down that you don't ever believe things will get better. Just remember you are the ONLY person that can allow yourself to be defeated. Be stubborn as HELL. I know failed cycles are devastating, but remember that in time one will work. Simple mathematics, one will work...All the people I personally know that have made it through VERY difficult medical situations and horrible things in their lives is because they are fighters. I also see people that sit back and whine about their situations constantly and put blame everywhere and just let defeat take over and those people are sad.

 

Hello Monday!

Hello Monday. Why do you always come so fast and yet I have to wait so long for the weekend? I am almost starting to despise you as much as AF. That is a warning that you are some very thin ice with me.

Lets get started. Project "redneck tarp" was epic, epic fail! Our fence line is full of trees and bushes. I thought being the engineer I am "not" that we could trim and fit the tarp nice and neatly through the trees. Well that didn't work. Not only did that idea not work, the idea of putting the tarps up on the fence didn't work. Our fence line is east/west facing. I didn't think the wind would be an issue, wrong again. We managed to get two of them up at the very end of fence and zip tied them. The wind is blowing the holy hell out of them and I give it a week before they rip. Good news is........... spring is here and the trees will start blooming soon. That will give us at least 98% coverage of the fence.  Any ideas on a plant/flower I can plant that will take over the fence line and requires little moisture? I tried morning glory's and they didn't even come up. Any suggestions from my flower friends would be so helpful! Oh before I forget we did get the camera up though and it blinks with red lights!

Next order of business. My sister called me late last week and asked if we wanted to go to Marval Resort. It is a resort on the Illinos River here in Oklahoma. Great in the summer for floating and the water is ice cold. Hoping it is great right now for fires and trout fishing! We rented a cabin with my sister, bro- in- law and girls. I was also informed that the outside pool is heated. I might have to shave my legs for this special occasion folks! I will take plenty of pictures, especially if I catch some rainbow trout. I have to be sneaky at fishing because I refuse to pay the State of Oklahoma for a fishing license when I don't even keep the fish. I catch and release. So I guess we will find out who is better at the task at hand, the ranger or me? Details to come. 

As you know when we are gone, two of our dogs fight and it is not good when we come home. I was going to buy a huge kennel at Tractor Supply yesterday, but made the last minute decision to board Boomer at the vet office. Now I feel sad. I know it is the right thing to do, but I hate leaving him there and him feeling like I am never coming back. I mean look at this face!!!

 Finally in TTC or not succeeding at TTC news, LOL:
I have my u/s on Wednesday and blood work to make sure levels are down and everything is quiet. Then off to Femara with some TI.

Anniversary Quilt

I am making Al a anniversary quilt made from his college colors etc.....

Here is the topper:

Project Redneck tarp was epic failure, more tomorrow.