Quilt Pics

Just finished quilt (A) for twin (A) and starting (B) tonight or tomorrow. I also took a pic of the other I am getting ready to ship out this week!

Funny Infertility Friday, Plus This & That

Well ladies my fake camera came in two days ago. Project "tarp the backyard redneck" will be in full force on Sunday. I sit here laughing at the things we find ourselves doing for comfort and peace of mind. Yes, pictures will be shared on Monday! While talking about  mountain man " next door idiot", I have been so giddy the last few days and let me tell you why. Our neighbor to the north, Bill (super nice and sweet man) is watching a golden retreiver for one of his friends from church. He has a large kennel out in the back of his yard and almost on the fence line of mountain man @sshole's yard. This dog he watches barks 24/7! Of course it is a little annoying, but I choose to look at the positive side of this situation. If it is bothering Al and I then I know it is driving mountain man CRAZY!!!!! So I just sit back in between barks and laugh :) Of course the dog is absolutely precious and I always want to go over and bring him home with my clan. He will be leaving tomorrow to go back home to his family though.

On the quilt front, I started (1) out of (2) quilts for the little Griswold twins! I am really excited about this project and two girls, how exciting and fun! They will both have the same fabric but I will design each with a different pattern. Here is the beginning of quilt #1...

 

For any new followers, please see the top quilt tab on my blog for information about my quilts.

Okay on ttc front there is some news: My hcg levels are down to 114. I go in next Wednesday for u/s and blood work just to make sure everything is quiet and on track after miscarriage.  I also broke down and made a call to Dr. Kwak Kim yesterday. We are going to send our records to her clinic and try to get in this fall for testing. For some reason I have a nagging feeling in my gut that we aren't getting pregnant because of immune issues. This is fixable. Al agreed and thought we should know for sure. More news: I am going to start Femara at home with no supervision from RE clinic. I got the okay from doctor. I know I said no more treatment and in my mind taking a few pills isn't considered treatment. But, either way I still want a chance at maybe getting pregnant before menopause.

So that is all for today folks. Stay tuned.......................................................

No ICLW this month & updates

For some reason I am not feeling ICLW this month. Maybe next month I will get back into the hang of things. I also went through my blogger list and cleaned it up. I followed so many people that no longer blog or haven't for a while. I miss reading their blogs, but I understand that life happens. Luckily I do 98% of my blogging at work while sitting here. 

Today I had my doctors appointment for bloodwork. It has been almost 4 weeks since I lost circle. Moments it feels like time is flying by and others it feels like things are standing still and I miss this baby. I think it was so much easier with all my other miscarriages. I didn't see a beating heart, only betas rising and dropping etc. This time it was so real. There was a little human that could have grown up to be my son or daughter. I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I bet he/she would have had AL's big nose and my blue eyes. I do think about these things sometimes. Maybe this week because this cycle is closing down and it will be over. 

Anyway back to doctors appointment for today. I had my hcg and progesterone checked. I know my levels are low and wanted to see if I had already ovulated again. We sat there and talked about future plans (as I blogged about yesterday). She said to me, "Tonisha you are fertile, but you are having problems keeping a pregnancy." She is absolutely right! We then talked about coming in the next time I get pregnant and starting heparin to see if that makes any difference. I agreed. So I guess my "waiting until six weeks before seeing RE" just went down the drain. I would have to start as soon as I found out we were pregnant. 

I have also been keeping a secret. As much as I am keeping busy and trying to move forward and trying to be happy. I am suffering from severe anxiety again and panic attacks. I haven't shared this with my husband or family because I feel so weak that I have no control over it. I hate that it comes into my life whenever and takes over. The doctor noticed the other day and said for me to come back in a week and she would put me on something. Honestly I am tired. I am tired of being on pills to help, I am tired of talking to counselors that DONT help, I am really tired of seeing psychiatrist that wants to ask you 50 questions, spend five minutes with you and then throw samples from her pharmaceutical company. Where do you go? I am at a complete loss on how to get this under control. You know after fighting this condition for so many years I am finally tired. Is there anyone out there that can give me any advice on where to start? I sometimes feel like this is all in my head and I am just a freaking headcase. I wonder if it is possible that all of this anxiety and panic is just in my head and I make it worse unconsciously?  My counselor wants to tell me it was because of my past and abuse. I have accepted all that and moved on, nothing has changed in my anxiety.

Dear God am I a hypochondriac??

I see them all over and hell I work with one of the greatest. I don't see how I am like her, but maybe I just don't see it because I am?

Well I better close up this crazy ass post today. Sorry my mind is everywhere and then some.

I will update with levels later today.
 

Future Baby Making Plans

Since my levels will soon be zero, that brings up the question of what is next. I have told everyone that our days of treatment are over. That still holds true to an extent. I have decided with cd1 of next cycle I am going to start temping and charting. This is something I tried years ago and failed miserably. I am hoping that will give us some information on if I am ovulating etc. I have also decided to start back on my baby aspirin, fish oil, vitamin D,  and foliate. Now lets get down to the nitty gritty of what treatment consists of, shall we.

We are NOT going to move forward with any treatments through the RE office. No IUI's etc. I am considering going back on femara at home with no supervision. I have spoke with my RE about this and he sees no problem going back on it. I will not be triggering or going in for monitoring unless special circumstances arise. 2 out of 3 cycles we got pregnant on Femara. One was with a femara iui and one was with femara and TI at home. 

I am very much looking forward to my levels hitting zero. I have never bled for almost a month consistently. I know things are winding down and I am start to get optimistic again. I think that AL and I can do this. Maybe not in a month or maybe even a few, but I really think we will get pregnant semi naturally. 

We are still moving forward with our lives and traveling, vacations and just us time. We are no longer going to be held hostage to ttc. So in many ways our lives will be different.

If or when we do manage to get pregnant I will not be going to the RE office for multiple betas etc. I will go in after 6 weeks to see if there is a viable pregnancy. I absolutely WILL not put myself through the hell of betas and u/s's and waiting to see what is going to happen. Yes I know many of you are calling bullshit to yourselves. Just remember I am a determined person when my mind is put to something. I am done with infertility running my life. That is something I know for sure.

Here are to new days ahead filled with all new possibilities!

Oh I will also be seeing the specialist when my referral goes through for the Lupus stuff. I was told it will be months though. I will keep you updated on that. I am putting that crap on the back burner until I see a doctor and there is something saying I have the disease.

Quilt #4

Last night I finished quilt #4. The person I am making it for asked to say anonymous. She is having a little boy and has went through struggles of her own to conceive this little guy. Here is quilt #4 and I am very proud of this one:

Start to finish:

I am in the process of waiting on more fabric to be delivered. My next project is going to be Amanda Griswold and her twin girls. I am very excited about this project.

Doctors Visit

Well it is still early but, the Lupus scare is back on the table after three years. I go in for some nasty looking fingernails and leave needing to get a referral back to the Rheumatologist.

Let me start from the beginning. I know that I have mentioned in the past that I had a Lupus scare a few years ago. I say scare because I never got a solid diagnosis. I refuse to be one of those people that say they have a disease that has not be diagnosed by a doctor. After a few positive ANA test, some neuropathy, joint pain, chest pains and losing my hair.  She said that the test couldn't confirm a solid diagnosis and said I could be in early stages. I walked out of her office that day and said I was done. After visits to her and Neurolgist and MD's. I was just done. I told Al that unless it kills me I am moving on.

Fast forward to a little over three years and today's visit: 

We started by looking at my nail and she was asking about fingernail polishes etc. She pulled up my sleeve and saw my rash and then asked how long Ive had that. I told her about 8 or 9 months now. I have it on both arms up to my elbows and sometimes on my face. I also explained since my miscarriage how extremely exhausted I am, along with being dizzy and having chest pains. We talked about the bleeding and medications etc. She then asked if I have any autoimmune issues so I told her about three years ago. She seemed a little concerned that now I have rashes and fingernails falling off plus chest pains and extreme exhaustion. I am getting all my records from three years ago forwarded over to her and she is referring me over to the Rheumology Clinic through OU. I was warned that the wait is at least 3 -4 months. No biggie for me. I have been dealing with this for years. I do have to admit, I would like to finally get a diagnosis so I could get treatment for it. I would also feel better to all the people who think I am totally being a hypochondriac about these symptoms for last few years. I think the biggest thing I would take away from this is, Lupus plays a big role in infertility. 

Well I am getting ahead of myself here. Like I said, I have been down this road in the past and what doesn't kill us truly does make us stronger. I refuse to let anything get in my way of living my life and that includes infertility or possibly Lupus.

I got this :) 

Pee Sticks and Falling off fingernails.

Talk about mixing a post up huh! First things first. Since I have been bleeding so heavy I took hpt last night to see how light or dark it was. Good news ladies, the line is pretty light so by Thursday my levels could be zero or close to.

 I fooled you! I know many thought my addiction to pee sticks were through now that we are done with treatment. Nope!


On to the bad news, sigh. I am a zombie or becoming one. For the last few months I have had some nasty stuff going on with my fingernails. Ridges and very dark spots in my nails. I asked around and was told by many people that it could be bad fingernail polish. So I took off my polish and left it off for about three weeks. No improvement so I covered those nasty suckers up. Well for the past few days my pinky has been feeling kinda mushy. Like my nail is moving around, but I didn't see any breaks. Yesterday while at work I looked at it and was able to lift nail up from nail bed. It is only connected at the very bottom of my nail into the cuticle. Of course I figure it is better for me to rip it off then the doctor. Didn't work. I have appointment at 9:40 this morning. Although I am writing the Walking Dead to see if I have enough stuff falling off and full of fungus to possibly join season 4. That would rock!
Here is a pic of my zombie digit(s).

 I've decided while at the doctor I am going to ask her about the extreme tiredness and chest pains I have been having for the last week. 

I will update you guys. Leaving with ten fingers and toes, hoping to come back with ten :)

Weekend & Quilt #4

Well our weekend didn't go exactly as planned. I have been bleeding heavily and cramping since last Thursday. I took a hpt and my lines are are SUPER dark. Thankfully I go in next Thursday for blood work to see where my levels actually are. The casino we planned on going to was about 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive from home. I wasn't feeling to great so decided we would stay closer to home. I will skip all the details, but we lost money this weekend. Of course that doesn't bother us, we go just to have fun anyway, and we did. After going to numerous casinos we threw the towel and and headed back to town. I was able to stop by the quilting shop to get more fabric and materials.

Here is the topper of my quilt #4 for Amanda and her little boy.

I am particularly proud of this quilt. This is the first one I haven't used the pre-cut squares and picked everything out myself and cut myself. Pretty cute :) I am going to finish the backing in the cute orange and yellow poka dots.

I know I have been posting ALOT of my quilting on here and I really hope you ladies don't mind. I just found something that makes me happy and helps me move forward instead of sitting in the corner sulking and stressing about things that I can't change. 

I do promise to keep posting about other things also. I appreciate all the support and all of you, plus a few sticking with my through everything. I was a little apprehensive I would lose followers once we stopped treatments, but I didn't lose even one! That really shows me that my followers are amazing woman with hearts of gold. I don't know what I would do without you!

Coming later this week:  Our redneck tarp project on the back fence. Oh yes I will be posting pictures of that. How could I not???

Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday. Remember it is one day closer to Friday!

 

Quilt #3

Quilt #3 Finished!!!
Start to finish. This quilt is for my lovely blogger friend Lisa who is expecting a little boy named Graham.

 I have a very busy quilting schedule ahead of me and hoping they all turn out special!

(1) SET OF  GIRL TWINS
(1) SET OF GIRL/BOY
(1) BOY
(1) GIRL
(1) SET OF TWINS,WAITING ON GENDERS.

BUSY BEE, BUSY BEE......

Funny Infertility Friday

I know this is kinda wrong, but nonetheless still funny.


Plans for weekend. Al and I found a casino about 2 1/2 hours from our house to try out. If we like gambling there I plan on reserving a few for a weekend. Here are some cool pics of the pool. How could you not stay?

Yeah think I could handle this place for a quick weekend trip.

In other news, I've been stressing on what to get Al for our 3 year anniversary. I finally decided I am going to make him a lap quilt of Arkansas Razorbacks. That is where he attended college and I think a homemade gift says a lot. Hoping to start working on it this coming week.

In other, other news, we are having neighbor drama UGH. Back story. The first day I moved in with Al, Boomer was still young and got under the fence to visit the neighbors dog. Al of a sudden we hear screaming and the mountain man was chasing my dog with an axe. Al went running to the fence to see what the hell he was doing. He went on ranting and raving that all Al's dog does is bark and it scares his grandkids when they come over. Of course Al is a very polite and conservative person (unlike me) and explained that is a dogs nature, they bark. You can find it in any book or ask any vet. Yes they bark. Well we live on an acre in half and almost out in country. We only have a few neighbors and they all have huge lots also. Our back fence backs up to his field where he keeps this beautiful white German Shepard chained up out in field with a little hay stack shack. She never gets off of chain and he yells at her for barking. It breaks my heart. I have called animal control so many times on him. I am told over and over that as long as she has food, water and shelter that is all that is required. I have made plans to sneak over in the middle of the night and break her out, but Al said as crazy as he is, he will shoot me. It sucks. So back to the story. Last year he was out weed eating his field and came upon our fence. Boomer was back there barking (like he always does) and the asshole took the weed eater after him. I sat there and watched the whole thing. I held my tongue and called police to make a report. Nothing was done. Last 4th of July, him and his grand kids shot fireworks over the fence at the dogs, We called the police and filed a report, nothing was done.  Two nights ago after work I was in laundry room folding laundry. I heard Boomer bark maybe twice and then hear " Shut the fuck up you damn mutt" I lost my shit. After years of dealing with this asshole, I completely went crazy. I will save the language I used because it would embarrass most truck drivers. Long story short I told him he is a huge piece of shit and I hope he trips in a hole and breaks his neck. I am tired of him abusing my dogs. And if he touches them or hurts them in anyway I will personally jump the fence and stick my foot so far up his ass it will come out his mouth. Yeah it was bad ( I told you). I am just tired of this crazy, mean, dog hating human. He is just horrible!!!

Al came to the back door and didn't know what was going on. They made me go back in the house. So now we had the dilemma of having open back fence that you could see through until the spring when trees and plants bloom. It will cover about 90% of fence line. I can't wait that long. I decided to go redneck as well. This week we are buying tarps to put on back fence. Our chainlink is about 8 ft tall back there and about takes up about  half acre. I couldn't afford privacy fence. As I said we are putting up tarps to the fence and on top of that we are putting lattice. I bought a fake camera with a red blinking light to install on one of our out buildings and pointing toward his field. I am hoping this will detour him from hurting our dogs and me going to jail.

Why do people have to be so damn fucked up? Seriously.

Okay I feel so much better for getting that out today. I promise you, I am a good hearted person and don't threaten to kill many people.