Quick Update

Yesterday was a very bad day. Not only did I find out we lost Circle, I messed up at work and it was a huge mistake. Under normal circumstances I would have be reprimanded at the least. I guess losing Circle saved me from that. When I told the boss we lost the baby, he cried. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. They just lost a son over a year ago due to suicide so he knows the pain of losing someone. He then told me to take all the time I needed (of course) to get through everything. That my life was way more important then work. I apologized for letting my personal life effect my job the way it had. I have never had this happen before infertility. Of course the boss said there was no comparison and that this place would run either way, that I needed to heal. About this time the other boss receives a phone call from a working interest owner that said his letter was wrong.  We went over the letters and not only did I forget to change important information on each letter, I forgot to attach another agreement. Huge fuck up on my part. Usually I handle criticism well, but not yesterday. My one boss is trying so hard not to be mad and the other is like you should have known. I broke out crying. Yes me crying after getting in trouble. Talk about feeling completely worthless. Any other time I would have admitted I made a mistake, apologized and fixed it. Yesterday I burst out of their office in tears. My boss came after me and told me it was his fault and not mine and that everything would be okay, we could fix this. The thing was, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. Today I am fixing letters and will personally go into their offices and assume responsibility for my mistake.

After leaving the office I talked with Al again about moving on. I asked if he was 100% sure and accept the idea. He told me yes and still feels that we can get pregnant naturally. I left the conversation there. I didn't want to tell him that I don't want to even think about getting pregnant again. We hit such a huge milestone this time and the pain was worse. How could I honestly go back and do that all over again with the chances of another dead baby. I might wait until after the miscarriage etc. and discuss going on some type of birth control for a while (at least). I can't even process the idea of trying again.

I also want to be very clear about this next statement. I wrote yesterday about closing this chapter of our lives and it wasn't how I imagined it would be. We got pregnant and I had a living, breathing baby inside me for weeks. That is the best gift I could ever have asked for. I feel at peace knowing we are leaving this part of our lives behind, but also were so blessed to feel what we did, even for a short time. There are no words to describe that and I will always smile when I think of our little Circle.

Finally, I have decided to start a new infertility and pregnancy after infertility facebook page. I learned what to do and not to do from my old page. This group will be very small and personal. It will be by invitation only. If a member would personally like to invite someone they know, then I would also accept them as a group member. This will be a private group and it will be a group that is supportive of all members going through infertility or pregnant after suffering. I will allow absolutely NO drama in this group under no circumstances. It will be filled with helpful information, links and support. We will also have fun give-a-ways and share fun pictures throughout the week. Anyone that is interested, please let me know. I plan on setting it up this week. I want to be there for woman who need support. I want you guys to know that no matter how dark things get, you can keep going. I hope that is the one thing you have thought about while following my blog.

The new facebook group is Chapters Through Infertility & More. Find us and request add. I will only add people I know.

Thank you,
Tonisha 


UPDATE: I had my hcg levels done yesterday and they were 23,000. Waiting to see what they do Friday before I make a decision how to move forward.

End of our story

7W5D, no heartbeat.

Our story ends here. I don't think after three plus years of trying this is how our story would end, but it did. I had to go in this morning by myself and heard the news I knew deep down I would this morning. I think we all have that gut feeling that overrides any normal emotions of being anxious or nervous. I knew. Deep down I knew from day one with my levels being so low. My sister offered to drive an hour to be with me this morning, but I told her no. I knew in my heart and didn't want to see the sadness in her eyes either. I already had to deal with it from the doctor and nurses. Everyone staring at you with such hurt and sadness. I really hate when people act that way toward me. The doctor said I had been through so much and deserved a break. Of course I did, but don't we all? They took my hcg levels and will retest Friday to see if they are dropping. I declined a D&C as this is it for Al and I on the fertility treatments. We pick up the pieces and move on the only way we know how. I do wish I knew when it was going to happen so I could take some time off work. I sit here this morning with co-workers already called in for the day and try to keep it together and not cry until I am at home where I can officially process and deal with this.

Talk about a crappy Monday.

Blizzard & U/S

Well we are expecting a blizzard here in Oklahoma starting tomorrow afternoon and last through all day Tuesday. We live about 30 miles west of the city and are expecting higher snow totals. I made the decision this morning to call the clinic and see if they would move my ultrasound from Tuesday to Monday. I heard back about 30 minutes later, and will be going in tomorrow morning at 7:45 to see if we still have a heartbeat. I won't lie, my nerves are totally shot. I know that anything is possible. Gosh I hope this works. I feel like we have made it so far that it needs to work. I also feel like I have been tested and tested again. I deserve this. 


Updates on blizzard and ultrasound coming soon............................

Feeling.....

For anyone that knows me in real life, they know I am a complete clean freak (OCD) on my house. That was until about 2 weeks ago. Laundry is piled up, there are little dog and cat fur balls floating around the floors. One of the cats has all of Cierras rubber-band scattered all over the house, along with my zofran packages he pulls out of garbage to bat around. I make it through the day at work and truly plan to go home and do something, anything, but it doesn't happen. I sit in my recliner and if I can I eat some dinner and then in bed sleeping by 8 p.m. The funny thing is, I don't think I am suffering from fatigue, but by looking at my pattern, I am. Al has really picked up the pace around the house within the last few weeks. Gosh can you say I feel worthless?

Last night he made some sort of sausage, beef lasagna thing that sounded really good UNTIL he started cooking it. I knew I wouldn't be able to eat it and the smell was making me sick. So when dinner was done cooking, I got up and just couldn't do it. Al looked and me and said " Well don't eat it then baby" very passive aggressive. I knew he was upset, but it is not like these things are in my control. I have noticed one minute I am hungry and the next I am feeling blah. 

Of course things in our house have not been to great lately. I haven't went into this much, but it has caused A LOT of stress on our marriage. My husband has a rescue dog that he rescued in New Jersey about 5 years ago. He is part pit bull and part lab and had a lot of emotional issues. He suffers severe separation anxiety and whines very loudly all the time. If he is in another room, he paces and cries. He gets into trash, he pees in his crate, he fights the other dogs, he nips at you if you scare him. He is a complete fucking disaster and I am to my wits end with him. No shelter will take him due to his aggressive nature from anxiety and the only option we have is to have him put down or keep him until he dies. We constantly fight and I am so tired of cleaning pee blankets and garbage up. I am so tired of the dog fights. So I told Al the other night he is washing pee blankets daily and cleaning up after his dog. It is such a sore spot in our household and the cause of 98% of our stress. I can't make him put his dog down, but I also don't know how to keep living this way. I think if we ever divorced it would be over this dog. So to say the least, things are stressful right now on top of everything else. I also know that this is not the dogs fault and he was abused, but a person can only take so much.

U/S in four days.

7W1D

Well I was talking to a very close friend of mine yesterday. She told me that in early pregnancy she had some complications with her son measuring small and having low heartbeat. Last night she messaged me with the u/s results of 6w3d and heartbeat in low 60's and 8w5d heartbeat around high 70's. She never mentioned it to me while pregnant and I know the doctors were always concerned that he was small and may have some issues, but didn't know why. She is very private and doesn't want to burden people. Well her little boy just celebrated his first birthday. Talk about inspirational story that I really needed to hear. I think we all know that heartbeats that low hardly ever go on to have a positive story. He beat the odds and my little circle will also beat the odds. 

5 more days until u/s.............................................

I am excited to report I peed three times last night in middle of the night! Until then I was so sad that all the other pregnant woman were peeing so much and I wasn't. LOL. It could be a freak occurrence, but I will keep my fingers crossed that I keep on peeing :)

I have also noticed that all I want to eat is red meat. I can't stand to even look at chicken right now. I have eaten a bacon cheeseburger twice this week.

Analyzing to death

I apologize in advance for this post and the rambling on, plus technical stuff. I am still thinking about ovulation and days after ovulation etc. Please stick with me if you can and PLEASE give me some feedback if you have anything......

Okay here we go.

In December we did iui. I had a trigger shot on December 7th and iui on December 9th. I counted my first day post ovulation and/or post iui as day 1 on the 10th. That would have been three full days after the trigger shot and one day after iui. Do you think that the trigger would be the same or similar to a positive opk? When I get a positive ovulation strip I count the day after as 1DPO. 

Skip forward to this cycle:

I got a positive ovulation strip on Monday 14th evening around 6:00pm. I know for a fact the day before it was negative. I also got a positive strip on Tuesday 15th. Since my first positive was on Monday the 14th, I counted Wednesday 16th as 1DPO. I am now thinking I might have rushed a little on this. I am thinking I should have waited two days after first positive. If this is indeed the case then my ovulation dates would be off and my hcg levels would have made more sense. Remember the month before I had a chemical pregnancy and it caused me to ovulate later then normal. 

So, if on a medicated cycle you wait (3) days after trigger to count as the first day post ovulation, wouldn't it be similar with a positive ovulation strip?

Here were my hcg levels & U/s Information:

Beta #1 12DPO 16.9, progesterone 23 
Beta #2 14DPO 44.7, progesterone 27
Beta #3 16DPO 112, didn't check progesterone
Beta #4 18DPO 221, progesterone 24
Beta #5 20DPO 433, progesterone 30
Beta #6 24DPO 1738, progesterone 29
2/12/13- First U/S, 5w6d and saw yolk sac
2/19/13 2nd U/S, 6w6d heartbeat was 95bpm and measured 6w1d
2/26/13 3rd U/S, 7w6d 

If I was indeed a day or two off then these numbers would make so much more sense. Or I am sitting here grasping at straws hoping this little one is still alive next week.  

Thanks for humoring the crazy lady :)

 

Pep Talk

I refuse to let the bad events of this week or day get to me anymore and I refuse to let the bad people get to me either.

I went home and put up the second pic of circle, plus gave baby a pep talk and a happy reminder for me to look at the next week.

COME ON CIRCLE, GROW!!!!

 

Going Private

Sorry ladies, I know that I just changed my blog address and was stupid enough to share it with people I thought were trust worthy and specifically asked they didn't share any of my information with my old facebook group. Well trusting people doesn't work obviously. My ultrasound was just shared on the group without my permission. Therefore I am going private. I truly apologize for anyone that won't have access, but I refuse to have my private moments stolen from me and shared without my permission!

U/S Results

I woke up this morning with so many emotions and nerves. I knew that one way or the other I would know something today, good or bad.

The doctor did find a heartbeat. Unfortunately it is only beating around 95bpm and the had to tell by counting second hand on watch and looking. The u/s machine wouldn't even pick it up. The embryo was measuring around 6w1d. Dr. H. said we could be off on dates. That it is very possible for my ovulation to not taken place for a day or two after the positive opk and if that was the case then he would be happy with what he saw this morning. That would put me around 6w4d and things look great. He also said if I was indeed 6w6d then the embryo is small and heartbeat is to slow. I think today was more bad news then good and there is a very good chance there won't be a heartbeat next week. I have been preparing myself for good or bad news so I am not totally shocked right now. Just trying to process. 

Here is the u/s pic from today:

Big Day

Tomorrow is the "big day". Not sure how I am feeling today. I know I didn't sleep much last night and I feel like my stomach has been doing flips all day long. I would have to agree that the 2ww doesn't have shit on the in between u/s waits. I was doing great up until last night. For the most part I am still doing pretty darn good considering.  Hoping tomorrow there is 

#1 a embryo
#2 a heartbeat
#3 PLEASE

I know that symptoms or lack of don't really mean anything. I was really sick until the end of this weekend. Now I feel fantastic. My husband told me yesterday that part of my boobies have grown, not all, but parts. LOL. I am very hungry and my boobs are still somewhat sore. Still have insomnia. Still feeling pulling and twitching in my uterus. Other then those few things, I wouldn't even know I am pregnant. I guess this can be a good sign or bad. Can't really make to much of it right now.

U/S tomorrow morning at 7:30. I will have tears of joy or tears of despair. Coin toss anyone?

Oh before I forget. Thank you universe, god, or whoever helped me make it this far. I will never lose these moments and that is priceless :) 

I am officially pregnant on February 19th, 2013 with a little circle who is 6W5D.