Secondary Infertility

This post has been a while in the making. All of you know that I suffer from secondary infertility. I don't talk about it a lot because I know that it is a sore spot with most woman suffering from primary infertility and I understand that. Is the pain less for us? I can't answer that question honestly because I have never felt the pain of suffering through infertility primarily. I do know that it hurts and most likely in a different way. When I had Cierra I was SO young. I know now these past three years, all the mistakes I made, all the things I took for granted haunt me daily. I know what it is like to have a child and not fully appreciate the situation. I also know what it feels like to know what I was missing all these years. I don't think anyone can say it is worst one way or the other to suffer through infertility. I honestly believe it hurts both ways, but in different ways. 

Now what if you are a mother to multiple children and are trying to have another one unsucessfully. Is that considered infertility also? One thing I have really learned through this whole process is, not to be as judgemental of others. This is not something that has been easy for me, infact quite the opposite. I was brought up in a disfunctional family that thought it was normal to talk about everyone else. Family members, strangers, it didn't matter. We were so judgemental and that has been the hardest bad habit for me to break.  I do know that I tend to be a little harsh on negative people and I have for a while. Some woman have told me it is because I have a child already. At first that comment really pissed me off. Now, honestly, it could be the truth. I do know that in my case, hating people for getting pregnant easily, or posting their pics on facebook, or sharing their normal excitement didn't help my situation at all. Why should I hate or dislike woman because they can have babies? Isn't that what we were all meant to do? Yes and it comes for some easier then others. Do I feel this way because I suffer from secondary infertility? I don't know. 

Finally. As a woman who has been suffering from secondary, it really fucking pisses me off that other woman in the same situation can be so mean and judgmental toward others with children. In case you haven't woke up and smelled the roses, we are those "others" to woman who have never had a child. I want to truly say, how dare some of you being so mean and cold hearted. We were blessed with a child and there are many woman that cannot say that. I always knew and know that if I cannot have another child, I was so beyond blessed with what I have in life right now. Of course I deserve to have another child and every woman in this world deserves the right to have that experience. Unfortunately this world is a cruel mean place. So rule of thumb, before you start bashing Kim Kardashen, or the 15 year old down the street for getting pregnant and being downright cruel about it, remember that you have already been blessed so much more then many woman on here and in the world. 

I know that this pregnancy can easily be gone tomorrow at my u/s. In fact it is a very good possibility. I choose to be thankful for the time I had with this baby regardless. I also choose to love my daughter that was given to me when least expected and not worked for.

Thankful

I didn't want it to happen this way, but I had no other choice. I told my boss this morning of pregnancy. I have been in the bathroom puking all morning. I was also out Tuesday due to being very sick and told him it was a virus. Today we walked in and looked at me. He said " are you okay?" I was totally like a deer in headlights. I went into his office and said I wasn't wanting to say anything because of all our losses and wanted to wait until later, but it was obviously effecting my job at this point. The beans were spilled and I told him we were pregnant and I was having severe morning sickness. Of course this isn't a new thing completely for me. When I was pregnant 16 years ago with Cierra I developed hyperemesis gravidarum and lost about 15lbs. Back then they didn't real do much except give me a prescription of phenagrin that didn't help. Finally around 6 months I was able to keep foods down and finally started gaining some weight back. My boss told me he knew how hard we have worked for this and would completely and totally understand and work with me in any way necessary until it passes. I hate that this is already effecting my job though. 

Btw orange juice is not very good coming back up.

Good Morning

I jokingly  say good morning. I was up all last night pooping and puking. Even the phenagrin gel the doctor gave me didn't touch the vomiting. This morning I rolled out of bed and puked up some more stomach acid. I am looking and feeling like death. Hoping this is a good sign. I know I should try to suck this up, well actually I do have to suck it up and keeping going forward. I've lost about 5 lbs in the last week and I can't hardly eat anything. Keep thinking there are good days ahead though and for that I will be SO thankful.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Changed Over

Well I made the change this morning on my blog address. I hope everyone was able to find me okay. 

Actually feeling pretty good this morning. I haven't been stressing about next weeks ultrasound at all. I haven't peed on any sticks since last Friday and don't really want to. I haven't even called for another beta. I have finally accepted whatever will happen, will happen. So I am just taking it day by day. I've had some really bad vomitting for the past three days. It doesn't go away. The doctor gave me some zofran for the days while I am at work and some phenagrin gel for at home in evenings, so I can sleep a little. Guess today I am 6w1d. 

I talk to Al the other night and made a very thought out decision. After this we are officially finished with ttc. I am hoping this pregnancy ends in beautiful baby, but even if not, I have decided that my journey ends here. I say that with no sadness or regret either. I am fully at peace with whatever happens from this point on.  I got rid of all my extra fertility medications and are giving my clinic the extra needles I have from our ivfs. 

Finally, thank you ladies for being my biggest support for the past three years. No one will ever understand the support unless they have been there. Absolutely priceless.  

Since this is my last shot, I decided to do the pregnancy ticker.

Changing Blogs

Hey everyone. I am going to change my blog url and move so I can start fresh. I guess after leaving my facebook group, there are a few people that are still being dramatic and I need a new change.

If you want to follow me and I already know who you are and you have been a follower, please email me your address and I will send you the new url link when I get it set up.

Thanks for the patience while "Who is this Fertile Myrtle" goes under construction.


If you have problems emailing me, leave a comment here and I will contact you.

Leaving my Facebook Group

I know that many of you have followed me over from here to the facebook group I set up. Today I made the decision to leave that group. It did sadden me because I loved the group at first, then it grew and more people came. All of my original members knew I had set this group up because I wanted a positive place to share support and was tired of negative groups. I know that many people might not understand or agree with me and that is okay. I am definitely unique person and should have known I wasn't "neutral" enough to administrate a group of so many different woman with different issues and different feelings. It is hard for me as a person suffering through secondary infertility to be judgmental of woman who have children. I always knew that I was blessed beyond belief to have Cierra and if I never had another child, I would be very upset, but I couldn't feel sorry for myself forever. Many of you have never had any children and I wish that all of you could get pregnant. I also feel that constantly dwelling on what is out of your control is very unhealthy. Do I get upset seeing teen moms? Of course I do, but I don't know there situation and I don't think I am a better person for passing judgement. This is one of the main reasons for leaving the group. If this pregnancy doesn't work out, I will go on blogging as I always have, but I will not join anymore infertility groups. I can not do that to myself any longer. 

 I am truly sorry that it had to end this way. I had so many great members who amazing and always kept going forward not matter what was thrown in their paths. I will still keep up with all of you wonderful ladies through blogging.


I could go on and on, but it doesn't really matter at this point. I am choosing to be selfish and think of me right now and my little "circle" for as long as he or she wants to stay with me. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and people in my life. I am so blessed to be healthy and have a job, a house, and be able to have food in my stomach. I think that sometimes we all can forget the important things in our lives.

Ultrasound

I went in for my ultrasound this morning. Dr. H looked at my LMP and then the day I ovulated which was positive on January 15th. He said I was not as far as long as we thought. Today I am only 5w6d so he said not to expect a heartbeat on the ultrasound today.

He did find the yolk sac and it measured around 5w4d/5w5d. He told me that everything looked exactly like it was suppose to. I go back next Tuesday for another u/s. I am refusing to google anything and drive myself crazy for another week. Maybe some of you that know or have went through this can help me. Should we have seen a fetal pole today? My biggest fear was an empty sac. With having a yolk sac, are the chances of not having a embryo still pretty good? I know if I go online and start reading stories it will absolutely drive me nuts. Any information you could give me would be so helpful.

I am just going day by day and trying to give up the control that I feel I need. I know this situation is completely out of my control. I have to except this and be happy for what a blessing I have today. Gosh it is so hard to have a guarded heart. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I told AL this morning.... going through treatments was so much easier then this. 

So I leave you with a picture of my "circle".

Tomorrow is the big day. There aren't words to really explain how I am feeling. I am suffering from insomnia horribly. I did manage to fall asleep for a hour or so last night and then had nightmares that we had a empty sac  on our ultrasound. That did not help with the fact I already have such low hcg levels. I do realize how bad I sound right now, but I am in a serious funk. Not sleeping for weeks now has really pushed me over the edge. I am so angry that I don't even want to be around anyone. Of course I haven't been pregnant for over 16 years, it is hard to remember how I felt the last time. I do know that I looked at a pee stick one day and said oh I am pregnant. Never thought anything of it after that. What I would do have have back those blissful ignorant days, instead of over-analyzing everything and worrying about everything. I am so scared about tomorrow, if there is an empty sac or no heartbeat I have to start over from scratch, again. That is what kills me the most. At least with all my other cycles with the exception of ectopic, I was back in the saddle after a cycle. Sorry I know really know this sounds like the whinning negative post I always complain about and I hate myself for being this way right now. Just can't shake things...

Ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30. I will update with whatever the news is.

Beta #6 Results

HCG 1738!
doubling time of 47.18 hours 


  

Beta #6

I haven't mentioned this, but I have been spotting for three days now. It went from pink to red last night along with cramps. Today I tested and my tests are lighter. Don't know what is going to happen today. Guess we will find out later this afternoon. I already know that spotting and cramping are common symptoms of early pregnancy. I also know that spotting and cramping have led me to early loss more then a few times. Sorry just in a very shitty mood today.