23DPO

I am hang in and for the most part doing pretty well. Of course I am still testing everyday with three different test. They are all getting darker and it makes me feel better, even if it is a false sense of security. I will take it. Go in tomorrow for blood work and hoping my levels are near 1720 (that would be doubling). 


On other news, we are going to get a new vehicle this weekend in Texas. Well not brand new, but a 2010 Lincoln MKX and I am so excited. I've had my crv paid off for almost a year now and we decided it was time to trade in and get something else. 


That's all I have for today. Just trying to take it day by day and lots of hope. 

Facebook Headache

I started a facebook infertility page a while back. My main purpose as you know was

#1 Have a place for support without lots of negativity

#2 Drama free zone

#3 A place to have information on many topics and aspects of infertility.

Lately this page is turning into a huge pain in my ass. It makes me sad because most of my group are amazing woman/men. Yes that is the latest problem. I decided to let men join our group and it ruffled feathers big time. This makes me so upset. How many of you have husbands that are truly suffering also? I know mine does. Of course he doesn't really express his feeling much and probably would never want to be a part of my group, and that is okay. I just absolutely refused to turn anyone down that needs support and help. I don't care what gender you are. So anyway I started getting private messages saying what I was doing was wrong and blah blah blah. This is the whole reason I seriously don't have many woman friends. They are for the most part catty bitches. Of course I do have a few wonderful woman friends :) but just a few. 

I told my talked to my husband last night and told him I was thinking of shutting the page down because of the stress lately. He reminded me of all the wonderful members I do have that still need support and aren't drama queens. He is right, I don't want to let them down. I took the first step by kicking the first one out of the group today. I guess if it comes down to it, I will have to kick more out. Hopefully that won't be the case and this group can heal and keep moving forward.

 

21DPO

Today I am officially  21DPO. I have decided not to put anything pregnancy related on my blog at this time. I am to nervous and in limbo to think about a ticker or a the cute little weekly pregnancy updates. Not sure if I will ever be to that point. Heck you might read my blog and it say 100DPO, lol. My sticks this morning look great. It has been my odd goal to get my sticks so dark they pull from the control line. Yeah like I said, my "odd" goal. I do know one thing for sure. I want to use my blog to document and remember anything from this pregnancy, rather it last 5 weeks or 40 weeks. I sit here this morning and I feel so blessed there aren't even words to describe. Yes, also scared and a little apprehensive, but mainly blessed. 

I spoke with my sister on the phone last night and as we were talking, she mentioned that she looked at some of the bloggers  who follow me. Her heart was breaking that we all have gone through so much to have a baby. She was so upset. See my sister may not be infertile, but she does understand the fear of day to day pregnancy. When she was pregnant with my youngest nieces she had her placenta start ripping away. She had heavy bleeding everyday of her pregnancy along with blood clots and was put on bed rest. We were all very scared that she was going to miscarry and it was a very traumatic situation for her. My niece was born early and had some health issues, also spent time in the NICU. So my sister does somewhat get the fear I have of losing this pregnancy. I am very lucky to have her in my life and be such a huge support. As of right now the only person in my family that knows about this is my sister, and no one in Al's family knows. Friends don't know. We want to keep it that way for a while. I definitely won't be on facebook picking out cribs or clothes at 5 weeks. Which let me add, it is okay for the people that do. I would never pass judgement against others for the way they choose to celebrate their miracles. I do want to sit here today and soak up the moment I have been blessed with, no matter how short or how long. We made it! We have passed all our over losses and been to a place that is new and exciting. I think the most important thing to remind myself of daily is, this moment can never be taken from me. I am in love with the possibility of being a mother for the second time in my life. I am in love with the possibility that Al could be a father for the first time in his life. I am in love that Cierra could have a brother or a sister. I am in love with the idea that so many people cared for us, prayed for us, talked with us, supported us. If I lose this pregnancy, I will never lose any of the amazing things that came along with it and will cherish from this day forward.

So please little pea, stick with me. Your dad and I already love  you so much and have so many things to teach you, and to love you for the rest of our lives.

Beta #5 Part Two

I decided to email my clinic and see if I could go in Thursday for one more beta before my ultrasound Tuesday. I called my husband at work to tell him we are having an u/s next week and he was so calm. I think he may be in shock... I know I am.

Here are the exchange of emails. ( My absolute favorite nurse rocks. She made me feel so much better about my numbers and progression)

Hi Michelle:

I got my 5^th beta back today and my levels were 433. I didn’t talk to Cynthia about this because she is not very familiar with my situation. The last two betas haven’t completely doubled. Dr. Hansen has scheduled me for an u/s next Tuesday. Can I please ask that you guys let me come in Thursday for one more level? I am a little scared that my numbers are on the low side and the doubling times are slowing down. Anything you can do for me would be so appreciated. I hope you understand that I am just a ball of nerves!

Thank You,

Tonisha Rapp

HER RESPONSE:

Of course you can come in Thursday for a blood test.  First, I know you are a ball of nerves, but we discussed your numbers in clinic, they are not concerned.  I know your struggles have been tough, so let me be the optimistic one J  double numbers are a bonus, we really need only see a 60 % rise most of the time! Either way, I will put you down for Thursday morning!!!

Michelle R. Rodriguez RN, BSN

 

 

Beta #5 Results

Beta #5 HCG 433 and progesterone was 30.

My first u/s is scheduled for next Tuesday at 7:30

My numbers didn't exactly double again but Dr. H seems happy.

Waiting and Wondering

Today is 20DPO or 4w6d and I am in new territory. I am sitting at work with lots of anxiety about my 5th beta. Sitting here wondering what number would be acceptable. Wondering if I will be smiling at the end of this day or crying due to another loss. Lots is going through my mind right now. I can't lie, I do have symptoms. I also have a deep feeling that that this won't be good at the end of the day. Then I have another part of me that says it will be okay and my levels are rising. Then the anxiety kicks in high and I wonder if my levels are okay today, what will they be in two more days? If I ever needed a valium, today is the day for it! Or maybe I just need to get myself together and be reasonable. I am afraid to talk about symptoms or show the test that I continued to take after I said I wouldn't. But that is what I love about my blog. I can come on here and ramble, or whine, or obsess, or act crazy, or make no sense at all. It is my outlet to do all of these things.

Symptom check as of today:

Sore boobs
backache
insomnia
constipation
weird sensations in my uterus
headache
starting to pee more frequently, but not much more

Here are my test for today: I am mainly documenting this so if it comes down to it and this pregnancy is another chemical, I can compare if we get pregnant again. 

I don' really see a change in any of them for the past three days. I also know that FRER will stay the same for a while before it starts pulling from control line.

 Can I please just have a 442 today on my beta. Even though it is way lower then average for 20DPO, it is doubling.


Also thanks to everyone who still visits my page within the last two weeks of pure craziness. I really love it and appreciate your support.

Sunday Blues

I woke up this morning not feeling to confident about this pregnancy progressing. I think the numbers yesterday started my negative mood and looking at the pee sticks not getting darker, plus all of the symptoms gone just made me feel even worse. As we all know, you know your body better then anyone else. I have a feeling that again my body is failing me. As I sit here, I am not emotional about it like I thought I would be. I sit here very numb and disconnected as I have been in the past. Do I know for sure this is another failed pregnancy? No I don't, but I have a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that tomorrows news is not going to be the news I want to hear. Last night I kept dreaming about stupid betas and my levels were so low compared to other peoples. In my dream it was over and I knew it. To make things worse I have added to the crazy and started googling numbers. I couldn't find one successful pregnancy that had hcg level of 221 at 18DPO. 

I also know how strong I am. I talked to Al about it and we are prepared to move forward regardless what happens. Have you ever felt like you have come to far to give up? Even if all the odds are against you and you just keep getting kicked down? It has to work out eventually right? Isn't that the moral of story always? Keep fighting and you will win. Good over evil. Persistence pays off. I guess only time will tell. All I know is for today, this sucks! 

Infertility. You are the biggest bitch I have ever met and believe me, I have met a lot of bitches! 

Yes I am now resorting to three different test. I admit I have a problem and need professional help with the stic

Beta #4

Beta #1 12DPO 16.9, progesterone 23  Beta #2 14DPO 44.7, progesterone 27 Beta #3 16DPO 112, didn't check progesterone Beta #4 18DPO 221, progesterone 24





 

Here are my numbers so far. I am a little hesitate today. My number didn't quite double. My progesterone also dropped some. My clinic said they are very happy and everything looks wonderful. I go back in for #5 on Monday morning.

 

Beta #4 Pic before beta (18DPO)

Here I am possibly posting the last of my pee sticks. Heading out for beta in ten minutes and will have the results about 11 or 11:30. I am seriously chomping at the bits this morning. Hoping that my levels doubled.

So nervous and anxious.... I want to share some good news.

17DPO

I woke up this morning feeling pretty calm and at peace. That is after I got sick :) I am going to try my hardest to just accept I am pregnant today. I have all the symptoms that I haven't had this last three years.

I am nauseous
My boobs are sore
diarrhea
lower back pain
tired
headaches
insomnia
I keep feeling pulling and stretching in the middle of my uterus


I take all of these as very good signs.  If my numbers have doubled tomorrow, I am going to try to put away the pee sticks and have some faith in the process. Either this is going to be a viable pregnancy or it is not and I have to accept that I have no control over what happens. 

Here is today's test and possibly the last test I will be taking.