Recovery Update

Sorry I am just now getting around to update my surgery. I've had a little harder time recovering than I thought I would. Surgery went well. I have two working tubes, he removed that huge cyst I had on my right ovary. No endo found. He did find a mass that was sent off for a biopsy. He seems to think it was left over from our miscarriage. 

When I came out of anesthia I was in a lot of pain so they gave me morphine and it made me sick to my stomach. I did feel much better after puking though. I couldn't pee either. They usually require you pee before leaving. After doing a ultrasound, I only had two teaspoons of urine in my bladder so they let me go home and said if I didn't pee by 9:00 that night to come back to the hospital. Thankfully I did (a little). I was up all night with the urge to go but only dribbles coming out. Finally yesterday my bladder woke up and was working fully again. I've had some significant pain where my incisions are and dizziness still from anesthia wearing off, but all and all I am doing much better and getting stronger everyday.

I took off work until Tuesday. That gives me plenty of time for recovery.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

My daughter is heading out to her first day of driving school! Yes I am still shocked that I am the parent of a "almost" driving teenager. My poor insurance!

surgery

Surgery went well. Both tubes are now open, cyst removed and doctor found a mass that he thinks came from my pregnancy. Sent it out forbiopsy. Will update more later.

New Ticker

Did any of you notice my new beautiful ticker to the right----------------------->
Yes we have a scheduled appointment with Dr. Kwak Kim for August 26th, 2013 at 7:30 a.m. We heard back from financial office this morning and our coverage is pretty darn good when it isn't infertility. We are looking at about $2500 which will be worse case scenario and they let you make payments for up to a year.

My nerves are at panic attack level today. I talked to anesthesiologist and watched videos for surgery tomorrow. Received news that we are finally going in to see  another specialist. So much stuff going on!!

Surgery is at 9:30 tomorrow and I will most likely be out of pocket all day long. I will update when I can.

Pre-Op

I go in for pre-op paperwork etc at 10:30 this morning. I am filled with so many different emotions about this surgery. Of course fear is #1 and anxiety is running a close second. Once I get past those feelings, I start to wonder if I should have hope on this surgery. Sometimes I close my eyes at night and imagine the surgery was a huge success and infact my right tube was blocked. I imagine it is now open and working along with my uterus being healthy and cleaned out. This will make the difference............................

After so many failed treatments and so many losses, this will be what changes for me.
 
Then my common sense kicks in and tells me that we need way more then this surgery to make a difference. Either way it is a good starting point. 

My husband is starting to get excited about seeing Dr. Kim. I think he is starting to believe she can really help us, one way or the other. I think so too, but I also put so much trust in my current RE and look at where we are at now. 

So many emotions.......................................... 

I am back from my pre-op. We ended up doing an u/s because of questions raised on whether we should remove a fibroid I still have. Since my uterus is retroverted, the fibroid is located on the very back and out of the way. My doctor said he is almost certain that is not the reason for our miscarriage and infertility. If we decided to remove that one, I would end up in the hospital because he couldn't sew it back up fully through a laprascope. He believed at this point it would do more damage then good. So I agree with going forward on LAP and hysterscopy at this point and leaving that fibroid alone. My lining was at a 6 and I had a 42 mm cyst on my right ovary. He is going to drain it during surgery.
He also asked if I was still planning on seeing Dr. Kim in Chicago. I told him we already sent records and are waiting for an appointment. He is very interested in what she finds. Of course I told him that three years in and all my miscarriages, something HAS to change. I can't keep doing what we are doing with the same result.

Surgery Anxiety

You would think as many surgeries as I have had, it wouldn't be a big deal anymore. Honestly, I think the more I have, the worse my anxiety gets. I know I need this surgery next week. I also know it is simple procedure, yet my anxiety is through the roof. I HATE anesthesia and the fear of dying. I know, total drama queen. I keep telling myself that so many other people have surgeries WAY more extensive then mine and are just fine. I am being so irrational about all of this and I know that. Why can't my mind just accept that and move on? Instead I am sitting here with worry and more worry. I have even taken xanax and it is not helping at all!

Do any of you have an irrational fear of something? How do you cope?

I keep telling myself after this surgery I will have to smooth running tubes and a sparkling clean uterus!

CD1?

I have never been so out of touch with my body until this last miscarriage. Yes I also took things into my own hands and took some medications that I should have waited to take. I have no one to blame but myself. I blogged a little about this yesterday so forgive me if I repeat what has already been said. My doctor called in a prescription last week for provera. I guess we all decided that 60 days after miscarriage and no AF was long enough. Any longer and I might lose my shit ever more then I have. Well I didn't want to start it until we got back from our anniversary trip (which was Sunday). I took a pregnancy test just to make sure and it had a very faint positive. The next day was the same and then the line faded. So I do believe some how we managed to have fertilization but no implantation. Yesterday I started bleeding (FINALLY)! Called my clinic with cd#1 and got my surgery scheduled. Insert happy smiles!! By last night the bleeding totally stopped and nothing this morning on way to work. Thought I was wrong AGAIN. Called clinic and left a message that I have no freaking idea what the hell my body is doing anymore. Fast forward another hour..... come to work, use bathroom and a whole bunch of red blood comes out and now bleeding again. Not sure for how long or if this is going to last or just another teaser is my life lately.

After all we have been through I have tried so hard to stay positive and upbeat, but this last miscarriage and what is following has really messed with me. I don't think I have ever been more depressed! I don't think my meds are working either or they are making things worst, not sure. I sure hope with everything I have that this surgery is a turning point to good things happening in the fertility world. So many years, so many losses, so much money...... I am honestly going to say something I never thought I would say BUT when will it be my turn? I have been patient. Please cut me a break...........................


UPDATED:
Just heard back from  my clinic. I am going on bcp until surgery next week. She said that even if I quit bleeding again we are moving forward.  

Anniversary Trip & More

Well we are back from our anniversary trip. Why is it that you need a break after vacation to relax because you are exhausted? The trip didn't go as planned and that seems to be the theme of my life lately, but it was great nevertheless. It rained ALL weekend. Our tree house was so lovely and you could feel it swaying when you walked across the floors. That was a little weird! They had us a gift basket and a banner in the house when we arrived. Here are a few pics of the tree house.

We did a lot of driving and sight seeing in the mountains etc. Not much to do when it rains for days.

And now for the ugly: I thought about whether I should even post these pics and give any kind of credit to a obvious lunatic. It is so hard for me to believe there is SUCH hate out there. 

 This guy has huge guard dogs all over his property. There had to been at least 20 of them chained everywhere. I had to stop and take pictures because I was in such disbelief. I am not a fan of Obama and would NEVER wish ill toward him or his family!


I still have more pics on my camera. This was from my phone driving around. I will post some more later on.


In ttc news. I wanted to wait until we got back from our trip to start my provera. I took a hpt on Sunday and there was a faint positive. I took one again yesterday and today and the line is totally faded. I won't say I am upset, because I am not. Today is 67 days after my miscarriage and I am ready for surgery and then back to ttc before seeing our specialist that will get me pregnant.

I'm back!

Hey all! I am back and have pictures and stories to share of my travels this past weekend. Give me a day or two to get caught up and I will share everything with you beautiful ladies!

Three Year Anniversary

Today is my 3 year anniversary to the most amazing man I have ever known.

 When we said through good times and through bad times, we meant it. Our marriage started off with infertility and three years later we are still going through it. We have been tested and I can  proudly say that our marriage is stronger then ever. I look at this man beside me in this picture and I ask how I was so lucky to have him put in my life. Total opposites we are, but perfect for each other in every way.

Happy Anniversary Al. I love you more then words could even begin to describe.

We leave tomorrow for a trip to Eureka Springs (where we got married). I found three pictures of our wedding and we are going to the wedding chapel to take same pose three years later. Not in these outfits because I cant fit in my wedding dress anymore :) I thought this would be awesome to add to our wedding album. We are staying in a treehouse for the weekend and just shopping and spending time with each other. Much needed time.

I will take some pics for you guys! See you Monday :)

60 days

Today is 60 days since miscarriage and still no period. I finally sent my clinic an email and told them I can't take this anymore. I was told to take pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant (which I did & I'm not). 

I get to start provera to jump start and then I can get scheduled for my surgery!!!!

Today I am thankful, so thankful!