Funny Infertility Friday

I totally forgot about this after our failed ivf. We are officially back to Funny Infertility Friday!!!

Allergies & Honey Boo Boo

Oklahoma weather has definitely thrown a wrench in my plans to feel better. Ragweed is at a all time high and I never knew that I was effected by it until now. The last three days I have been plain miserable. My eyes are running like a faucet and my throat is soooo sore, along with headache and well, my whole head hurts like hell. Thank goodness I have a huge variety of hot green teas at work. Oklahoma weather is just crazy and UN-predictable For example, yesterday we hit 85 degrees and Saturday it is going to be in the 40's with wind chill in 30's, then the next day back in high 70's again.

So last night while crocheting, we watched SouthPark. I am usually not a big fan of that show, but I am less of a fan of the Presidential Debate. Of course I won't go into my political views or lack of on here though. Anyway have any of you heard of Honey Boo Boo? She is a obese little girl that originally was on Toddlers and Tiaras and now has her own disgusting show and is making $20,000 an  episode. I'm not sure exactly what is more disturbing, that a channel called THE LEARNING CHANNEL would air this shit or that people like us actually sit down and watch it. I won't say that I have watched an episode of it because I haven't. The commercials are enough to make me want to vomit and personally slap the stupid out of her mother.  Well of course South Park did an episode on Honey Boo Boo last night that also went on to talk about all the obese people in Walmart on scooters therefore truly handicap people can't use them. Well I never have expected much from the makers of this show either. It is for the most part offensive and at some levels disturbing. I was happy to see they brought to light the fact that The Learning Channel is making money off a obese little girl who will probably have a heart attack by the age of 20. Pretty damn shameful... I just wonder when people will wake up and realize that some of these shows are just plain awful and we shouldn't be helping these networks to make millions of dollars off of uneducated families and/or people.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month

I know that we all have been here and can really appreciate this month holding a very important reminder.

Survey

I wanted to take a little survey today. Not only do I have my blog, but I am also a member of private infertility group on facebook. Within the last month the two spaces have had such different luck. So many positives on my blog and so many losses on my group. I started thinking about statics with ivf and live births coming from it. Of course I have read and been told that there are a higher % of problems with ivf pregnancies. I just want to see if there is a difference on pregnancy rates and live births due to the day of transfer and progress of embryos. If you would like to participate, please let me know the following:

1. How many ivf's until you were successful?
2. On the unsuccessful, how many day transfer was embryo(s)?
3  Did you ever have any to freeze?
4.  Age at successful pregnancy

ALSO Same Questions for those of us who are still trying:

1. How many ivf cycles have you went through?
2. What day transfer(s) did you have?
3. Any to freeze?
4. Age during cycles



Thanks again to anyone that chooses to participate in this survey

It's hard to stop

I went in for beta #9 this morning and was so happy to see my old nurse that we went through all of our iui's with. She was so caring and really holds a special place in my heart. We talked and she mentioned that it was word around office that I had went through a really hard time with this last ivf. I went on to explain what happened. After it was all said and done, she asked what was our next plan. It is so hard to stop treatment. I am really trying to convince myself of all the reasons we should stop. Who wouldn't want to be able to vacation more, or do whatever they want when they want? That all sounds very nice, but I am still wanting to be settled down at home with a baby that my husband and I made together through love and medical intervention (of course). We had already decided 100% that ivf was out of the picture for us in the future. It is to expense without insurance coverage and the success rates obviously aren't on our side at this age. I spoke with my clinic and our insurance with cover office visits, ultrasounds, and basically everything but medications and actual cost of iui. The cost of iui is about $400 and I have two boxes of 900iu Follistim left, which if we wanted, could give us many cycles of iui's. Like I said earlier, it is so hard to stop. Are we going forward with the iui's? I really don't know at this point. I know we need time to think and consider and most of all, heal from the past two years of failed treatment.  When I think about starting this up again, I go back to this last cycle. I was prepared for a failed cycle. I wasn't prepared for the roller coaster ride that we went through. It exhausted me mentally, no it drained me. I am having anxiety and panic attacks daily now and my body doesn't know what the hell is going on. I bleed, I stop for a week, it starts again, it stops. I am dizzy, light headed, nauseous all the time, my stomach is a complete mess. Moments like this make me wonder if it is even worth it? Although I do know that iui's are a walk in the park compared to ivf. Definitely something to think about over the coming months. We have our consultation with Dr. H on November 7th to see what he suggest from here.

In other news, my hairdresser (that has really become my friend within the last year) is pregnant. Last year she got pregnant right after my 1st ivf failed and announced it to the world at 5 weeks. Of course I was a little taken back and had to adjust. At 16 weeks they went in for their gender u/s and found out the baby had died at 13 weeks. She was so devastated. Of course all of her fertile friends on fb told her it was God's will and she would get pregnant again, blah blah. We all know how hurtful that is. I really tried to be there for her throughout the ordeal. We talked a month ago right before my 2nd ivf and she was upset it had been over 7 months and no pregnancy. I gave her the rest of my ovulation strips and she sent me a few pics to see if they were positive or not. Anyway fast forward to last week, she is  pregnant. I got the picture of two lines on 14dpo sent to my phone via text message. You know what? I am really happy for her. I think she got a taste of what infertility is about and she also lost a baby whom she loved so much. She is really excited and texted me last night that the lines are getting darker, LOL.... I told her to really stay on top of her OB/GYN this go around and be persistent on testing and monitoring until she gets past the point of when she lost the baby. So I laid in bed last night and kept asking myself if my whole position with infertility was just to be supportive and help other throughout the process? Maybe it is written that Al and I won't or can't have a child. Maybe these past few years was meant to show me what it feels like so I can be there for other woman needing a supportive ear? Who knows.

That is it for today folks. Lets hope my numbers are still dropping. 

Update: Levels dropped to 479

Casino Day

We originally put this day down at our jobs over a month ago for a fall camping trip to Natural Falls. The start of this week, the weatherman kept predicting rain and a lot of it. I was already upset due to the fact that the county had a burn ban so no campfires. What is camping without a camp fire? Then on top of no fire, we would be in campers all weekend due to inches upon inches of rain. Tuesday my husband cancelled our reservation to the camp ground and they kept our deposit. Since according to the rude lady on the phone, " they have no control of the weather and it is not her fault that they are under a burn ban and getting ready to be flooded." Well it is her fault for having a crappy attitude problem.

Mid week I already decided I was still taking my Friday off, so I talked hubby into also taking Friday off. We are going on one of our favorite things to do. Casino day! Since Oklahoma has about 500 casinos, my husband and I like to take day long road trips and visit new places. We usually lose a couple hundred dollars and sometimes win a couple hundred, but it is fun us time. So today we are off in the fog and rain to go have some lunch a new discovered place during the drive and some casino time.

HOpe everyone has a great weekend.

 

Levels Dropping

I finally have some bittersweet good news to share. My beta today from 871 on Sunday to 755 today!

That's all :)

Still Here

Well I am still here and still feeling a little better each day, emotionally and physically. The bleeding completely stopped two days ago. I am still lightheaded, nauseous, and having stomach issues big time. The tenderness in my boobs are going away and the cramping and pain are slowly disappearing. Tomorrow is beta #8 so I will know if the levels are dropping after the methotrexate shot. I know that it is a possibility, but I really don't want another shot of that evil stuff. Please keep fingers crossed that I am on the downhill slide of this nightmare.

As far as emotionally, I am doing so much better everyday. When I found out this pregnancy wasn't viable, I was destroyed. Then I found out that it was ectopic, I was very scared for my own health. Now I have accepted that this cycle failed and there is nothing I can say or do to change the results of that. I did look back on day 15P3DT and stared at my two dark lines. I wanted to remember that we did come so close.

I really sat down and talked to Al about the last two in half years and wanted to see how he felt about everything that happened. He looked at me so calm and said, " Tonisha I believe that whatever happens in our lives is meant to be". He is right. It is very possible that we weren't meant to have a child together. I know that people don't want to accept that, but I believe that whatever is meant to happen will for us. It feels very peaceful to be where I am right now. I could sit here and tell you how stressful all the visits are, the ultrasounds, the medications, the blood draws, the surgeries, the failed cycles, but everyone of you know the feeling. It feels like I just washed away all the negative and am finally starting this new chapter of my life and it excites me! I can't wait to see where this road will lead us. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other.

I will update on beta numbers within the next few days.....

Before I forget, one of my friends and fellow bloggers texted me this morning with a early pregnancy scare. I don't want to mention her name, but if any of you pray please send out a prayer for good results today to a great person. Thanks.

Feeling Better

I have to say that out of the past three or four weeks, today has been a pretty good day. I went in this morning for beta #7, but I won't get results until my beta #8 on Wednesday. When I went to the ER last week they took my levels and according to my RE since the labs are different then the results will be different. So today's lab and next Wednesday's lab will be tested through the hospital lab so we have accurate results. For the last few days after the shot I've had lots of cramping, pressure, mild pains, lots of lightheaded and nausea, oh and stomach issues. I am feeling more at peace though. I know this process is getting closer to being over everyday. I won't lie, this failed cycle scared the shit right out of me. We had discussed trying some more cycles next year after a nice long break, plans changed. After what I just went through, I don't want to be pregnant, get pregnant or continue any sort of treatments. I might even go out on a limb and say I would consider using birth control for the next six months or so (even though that is overkill). I am still scared. At this point, I couldn't imagine visualizing anything positive and pregnancy together. That might change after some time, but for right now we just want to move forward with our lives. Hopefully by next Wednesday my levels will start dropping and ultimately be zero within the next few weeks.  

A fellow blogger blogged something that hit so close to home for me this morning. She talked about people in our community basically having ill will or a battle on where they are in their journey compared to others. I will be the first person to admit when my cycle failed and some of my other fellow bloggers got their BFP, I was pissed and angry and sat in my dark little corner thinking who deserved it more. Yes, I actually did that. I tried to sit there and justify why I deserved it more then someone else. You know what, I didn't. I don't deserve it more then another woman in my shoes, just as she doesn't deserve it more then me. But, it happens everyday and it will continue to happen everyday. For every failed cycle there will be a person right there in the wings with a success story. Just the way things work. I am working on my bitterness day by day and I will overcome it. I will be 100% happy in my heart for every other person that has gone through years of infertility and overcome it. Not because I have to or it is the right thing to do, because I want to. Of course from this day forward I will have good days and bad and learn how to move on without fertility treatments, but I will prevail. I will learn to live a different way and think a different way. I will make changes in my life for the rest of my life. 

As of today I am okay and plan on getting better everyday. I have learned throughout this whole struggle that I am truly a strong woman and I have a strong marriage. There are many people in the world that can't honestly say that. Some of them might have a house full of children and all the money in the world and still be miserable. So there are many things to be thankful for. I was not dealt the hand I wanted, but I will make it the best hand yet.

I know that I say this so much, but thank you all for the support you have given me in the last 2 1/2 years and will continue to give me. You have helped me through some dark times and been with me through some good times. Thank you.

September ICLW

I have skipped a few months due to our ivf cycle. We just finished our last and 2nd ivf cycle in August and had our beta on September 5th. It was positive and our second almost tripled. After that things went down hill very quickly. I was spotting from day 10DPO and on our third beta our numbers only raised about 100 points within 7 days. Same thing happened with #4 and #5. Doctors suspected the pregnancy was not viable and possibly ectopic. I ended up in the hospital for ectopic pregnancy yesterday and received my 1st methotrexate shot. This was our 2nd failed ivf and previous to that, we had 4 failed iui's with injections. Not sure where we go from here, but definitely know that we are taking a nice long break from treatments. With no insurance coverage we (like most of you) are over $20,000 in debt and emotionally drained from this process. 

I would like to say thank you for stopping by and checking my blog out. Always love to have new followers and read new blogs.