Yes or No

I am taking a fun poll and hoping you will join in. Since almost all of us are obsessed with lines on here, please let me know if you think my ovulation test is positive or negative. Thanks Ladies!

Two more days!

We are heading out for Mexico on Saturday. There are absolutely no words to describe how much Al and I needed this trip. We are pretty much using this trip as a late honeymoon and a failed ivf pick me up trip. I originally thought when we planned this trip that the money could be used for fertility treatments and we shouldnt waste it on vacation. Now I have a completely different outlook on things. We need this vacation more then treatments right now. I know that my mind is not in the right place ever since ivf didnt work. I turned into the bitter infertile again. The person I swore I never wanted to be ever. When I say bitter, I dont mean every pregnant woman I see, I get angry and say bad things in my head. I know I have said this before and I want to make it very clear, I am 100% estatic for anyone in this community who has overcome this disease and is now pregnant. The bitterness I have is for me and only me. I find myself angry at me not being able to control what is happening. I am angry that I have unexplained infertilty. No answers, yes having no answers as to why we cant get pregnant is a real kick in the gut. But I know that it is what it is and I cant change any of this. I can take my vitamins, work on my weight, eat healthier, stay away from chemicals, so on and so forth.

Sorry for the going on and on about things I have bitched and complained about 100 times since March. This post was suppose to be about how much I need this trip.

I hope during the time I am gone, all of you in the tww get your bpf's and those waiting on 1st and 2nd ultrasounds see those sweet little heartbeats and then take the time to sit back, smile and enjoy the moment.

Oh today is CD14 and the line on my opk as of last night was almost as dark as control line. I might actually ovulate 2 months in a row on my own.

This and That

This post is filled with everything from the kitchen sink. Today I am CD12 and been off of the clomid for a few days. So far my ovulation strips are negative and to be honest we havent been BDing within the last few days. Im not sure if its because we have so much going on getting ready for our trip, or the point that we just arent into it this month. Heck I have even lapsed on taking my baby asprin and vitamins for the last four days.

On the ivf front. I am still in the same mindset as before. I wish I could get excited for it, but I'm not at all. We still have 5 boxes of 900iu Follistim and will at least have 4 boxes left after ivf so I plan on using them with a few injectable iui's after this last ivf. The doctor said that an injectable cycle is anywhere from 3,000 - 5,000. I am  hoping since we have the medications that the cost will go way down.

Cozumel is in 4 days. I am super nervous about various issues on this subject. The resort we are staying in has horrible reviews lately. More bad then good. Of course 98% of those bad reviews are from people that didnt upgrade to the exclusive side like we did. I have researched and prepared. So most of the things that are negative, I have pretty well prepared for. I think if you go to an all inclusive resort and dont pay that much money, you shouldnt have high expectations. I told Al the other night that as long as we have food, water and air conditioning in the room I will be happy. All of the reviews have talked about how beautiful the beach is and what great snorkeling is on the resort due to all of the reefs. I am super nervous about the flight..... I took a valium this weekend as a test run. I really didnt notice a huge difference. I do hope it is enough to take the edge off while in the air. I also hate large groups of people. I have panic attacks when I am around them. That is one of the reasons we booked the exclusive side of resort. It is further from the beach and more in jungle area and suppose to be less crowded. Of course most people going on tropical vacation want beach front. See it is absolutely possible for a person as high strung as me to get stressed over vacation.

There are so many ultrasounds and betas this week and next in our little community. Of course I wish the best to all of you! A good friend of mine I met through the Attain site was finally able to get pregnant after a long struggle. She found out last week that the pregancy wasnt viable. She was 9w1d. My heart breaks for her. I know that she is a very strong woman and will make it through this time. If only wishes came true and I had my own genie, I would wish that every single person suffering through infertility would be able to concieve and have a beautiful baby. I used to think I would wish for a nice house or boat or lots of money. That stuff is all material and doesnt mean a thing anymore. The happiness of others is a very rewarding feeling.

OH! before I forget, my husband finished our camper this weekend and got the custom decals put on....

Well lets get through this week, then I can hop on the flying death machine to paradise. You might want to watch the NBC nightly news the days I am flying, LOL.

Here is a pic of what I have to look forward to.....

One final thing. This next picture promises a good laugh to anyone having a rough day. Al was cleaning out the garage this weekend and found my old picture box. This is a picture of me and my sister when my grandmother thought it was a great idea to get our hair permed and dress us like twins (even though we are a year in half a part). To say the least, we were pissed that we looked like two show poodles or as a friend referred to us as " a qtip broken in half!

Any of you having little girls, please for the love of  human kind, dont do this to them :)

Emotional Day

I have to start years back for this story. Before I met Al I was in a 3 1/2 year long relationship with someone. Did I love him, at this point I know I didn't but I cared for him deeply. He was quite a big younger then me, early twenties actually. We met and clicked instantly. He had an amputation (above the knee) and really felt he had a hard time meeting woman due to this. I'm not sure if I ever told you but my father was a bk amputation (below knee) so I have always been used to this and wasn't a big deal for me. As we started dating I noticed he didn't have a job and he was still really bitter about losing his leg. I knew that he could do things with his life, with a little drive. I finally talked him into attending vo-tech and he really flourished going through the program. The years we were together, looking back now I think I wanted to help him and take care of him, maybe even fix him. After his graduation from votech he still wasn't working and I really felt that I deserved better in life. Not someone to take care of me but an equal in life. I know that probably sounds very selfish. We broke up and it was not a good split. Fast forward to last October. I found out from a friend that still lives in this town that he had died. He was involved in a car crash and didn't make it. When I found out I was really torn up and so sad. He was so young and didn't deserve to die. I found his sister on facebook and sent her a message asking if it was true. She never answered me. I assumed her and her mom really hated me by this time and I understood. I moved on. I posted about a week or so ago about having a dream about an ex boyfriend that is deceased and I kept telling him he was gone and he was arguing with me that he was fine and alive. Well this dream was about him. Ive actually had a few lately. This morning I checked my facebook and his sister sent me a friend request along with a message. She told me that she never noticed the message in her folder and was very sorry for not answering. Then she asked me to call her. I couldn't. I told her that I cant call and talk to her. I feel so guilty for what happened to him. I know that if I wouldn't have broke up with him then he wouldn't have been on that road on that day and died. I know that all of this sounds pretty crazy and I shouldn't feel the guilt but I do. His death has really affected me and I still haven't moved past it.

What an emotional day. I just hope that his sister and mom are able to move on and have some sort of peace in their hearts.

This post was in memory of Michael Widener. Despite everything you will always be in a a portion of my heart. Rest in peace.

Funny Friday

Regrets

Last night while watching t.v. I told Al that I am upset with myself on making the wrong decision about ivf. When we first started the process, there were a few different options available to us.

#1. Pay per cycle through OU at the cost of $9,000 w/o ICSI & $11,000 w/ICSI
#2 Multi cycle program through Attain, 2 fresh cycle & 2 frozen cycles $15,000 not including meds and other things which have added up to $21,000 to date
#3 Refund program through Attain, 3 fresh cycles & 3 frozen cycles $20,000 without meds and othe things which would end up being around $27,000 plus a 75% refund if you didnt take home a baby.

As you all know we chose #2 and now I see that was the wrong choice. Since I was told that we shouldnt expect any frozen and be lucky to get one good embryo to transfer, we have completely over paid for two fresh cycles. I know its all a gamble and some people win and other's lose. Honestly I dont want to do this second cycle. There is no way out of it though because we prepaid and entered into a contract with Attain. I guess the only left to do is just suck it up and go through with this. After #1's big fucked up mess, I dont want to go through all of that again. I know that ivf is diagnostic, but that still doesnt make me feel any better about going into this again. I am not sure if others feel like this, but we just threw away $21,000 up to date and that hurts alot. I have been asking myself if I was one of those people who though ivf would work the first time? Honestly I am not sure, I read so many stories of it working and maybe in the back of my head I thought it would. I know that so many people talk about being postive, but I really dont think positive makes the ivf work or fail. Everything is already set in stone and what is going to happen will happen. I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best, obviously I am not pregnant so the best never happened. Sorry about all the rambling on here today, I am just so mad at myself for locking us into another ivf.

For the cost of 21,000 we could have done:

4 injectable iui's
18 clomid iui's
1 ivf

Just makes me sick. Sorry for the downer post today. Guess everything is really getting to me lately. You definitely wont see me shitting rainbows or farting flowers anytime soon.

ICLW May 21-28

Thanks for checking my blog out......

My husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility ( technically secondary infertility for me). After being on clomid for six cycles,we were involved in a National Study called AMIGOS last year and it consisted of four medicated iuis with menopur. None were successful and we had one chemical pregnancy. We then ventured on to ivf and went through Attain. Having purchased a multi-cycle program which includes two fresh cycles and two FET cycles. Our first ivf wasnt a success either. Doctor is thinking I might have egg quality issues so there went (2) of our cycles and we are now waiting on our final ivf in August 2012. In the meantime I have went back to the basics of using clomid and natural cycles.

Leave me a comment and I would love to visit your page also!

Manic Monday

Today is cd4 and started my clomid last night. Of course the crazy dreams started night one and I dreamt of an ex boyfriend that I had, who is now deceased. I kept telling him that I knew he passed away and he was informing me that my information was incorrect. Weird, weird, weird......

Our camping trip was a success. Not one of the best trips weve had but it was good. Our camp ground didnt have water at each site. It was more of a community faucet and of course two greedy campers took their hoses and hooked up to them. Why are people so damn selfish? It worked out ok, we just unhooked the hoses when we needed to wash dishes. On saturday the wind was crazy all day long, blowing about 40mph. The dam was different then I remember and with the water levels so low it only had one gate opened. The winner of our fishing expedition was my nine year old neice who managed to catch about 7 or 8 perch, LOL. We had her birthday on Friday night and we bought her an old school pogo ball that I found on amazon. She loved it!  All and all we have a very nice time with family :)

Al had to drop me off at work this morning because he has a eye appointment later this afternoon and we commute My crv has been  paid off for 4 weeks now and he was hit after he dropped me off. Some guy not paying attention turned and hit him as he was going through a green light. Then the guy argued that he had a "green arrow" including there are NO arrows on that light. Al is ok and my vehicle needs some body work. It took out the headlight and front fender plus bumper. It just makes me so mad that people dont pay attention while driving! I am happy that Al was there to deal with that situation because the mood I am in today, it would have not been all flowers and rainbows if I had dealt with him!

Here are some pics from this weekend.

Drawn to Drama and Funny Friday Pic

I find myself always drawn to shows that are about babies and dramatic. Why do I subject myself to watch Sixteen and Pregnant, I didnt know I was Pregnant and the newest, Birth Moms. Last night was the first time I seen this show and I literally wanted to jump into the t.v and strangle some woman. Obviously its a show about adoption. Typical young ladies who made bad decisions or had a hard life trying to give their children a better one. That I can understand..... I guess as a woman trying for years to have a child, what I cant wrap my head around is the fact of popping pills, smoking, drinking, and stealing while you are 8 months pregnant? It all really upset me when these girls were looking at profiles on national tv, tearing potential adoptive parents apart, Really? Yes they blur out the pic somewhat, but if you were one of those people you would recognize yourself and then be subjected to some irresponsible twit making horrible comments about you. Ugh I want to write TLC and tell them this show is wrong in so many ways! First and foremost it is so very insenstive to couples struggling to have children. Secondly it is in very bad taste. I think last night was my first and last time to watch that crap. IF any of you have seen this series, please give me some feedback.

CD1.......One more month of clomid!

One day closer to Mexico!

I will be out of pocket all weekend and catch up on posts when I get back into town. Hopefully I will have a great fish story to share :)

Before I forget, my funny Friday pic.

Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

11DPO

11dpo and no good news. Honestly I didnt even bother testing this morning and just put this cycle in my growing BFN column. Oh well, I will start clomid again for one more cycle before we start our surgery and preparing for ivf #2. My stomach literally turned when I typed out ivf #2. Yikes! I am not even going into that today........

Well our camper is loaded and we are ready for our camping trip this weekend. I am super excited about this one. Last time I went to this lake was when I was about 10 or possibly younger. I would go and watch all of the men with their 50ft rods fishing under the dam with all the white water rushing out. It was such a fun experience. My grandfather would pull 100 + lbs of blue and catfish out of this dam. I always remember watching them fight and reel these monster's in. Of course I dont have the big daddy rod, but plan on doing my share of fishing this weekend. My brother in law will hopefully be fishing at the damn and I can go sit down there for a bit and watch him. Hopefully they have the gates open so there is plenty of white water! Yes in case you were thinking this, I am not the typical middle age woman. I love football, fishing & camping! I dont like shopping and I hate doing my nails. I think the last time I had a manicure and my nails done was for a friends wedding two years ago.

16 days until Mexico! We are thinking about doing a speed boat excursion. Its a two person speed boat and they give you lessons, then off you go through the ocean! The biggest thing I want during our trip is total relaxation and hopefully a different mindset coming back and going into our ivf. I want to spend time with Al, laughing, talking, and loving each other.