Back to the basics

Well ladies I broke down a few days ago and contacted my clinic. Do you remember how I said we were going to take a "Complete" break from ttc until our next ivf in September? Ok well that is still mostly true. I talked to the nurse and asked if it would be ok that I went back on the clomid while we were waiting. After talking to my RE she said he was fine with that, but only (3) cycles un-monitored. I am sitting here giggling to myself that I am going all the way back to the beginning with clomid. I guess in my mind I just want to know that I have some kind of chance within the next few months. Am I completely crazy? Anyway I will start next month and continue throughout June. I think my surgery will be in July and I will start my bcp in August for ivf.

I am definitely going back to the basics :)

Wild Thang

Ok here is the back story for the title of my blog today. When I was seventeen and full of rebellion I decided that getting tattoos sounded really cool. At the time I wasnt living at home, instead with a roommate. We knew a guy that did home made tattoos and it was FREE! Ok looking back at this story so far I can see a few indicators that this wasnt the best idea. We both got tattoos on our boob region, hers said "sweet thang" and mine said "wild thang". I have no idea why in the hell we picked "thang" instead of "thing". I would say we thought it was cool, but that was a big time oversight. The same night we got tattoos on our ankles (which since then I had re-done professionally). We also questioned getting one on our butts (thank goodness we stopped at the two). Ok, long story short..... After a few years of this tattoo peaking at me in the mirror and boyfriends giggling like school girls due to the fact I was "wild thang", I decided this was a bad, bad idea. Of course we all know that unfortnantely tattoos are not done with washable ink. Fast forward to the age of almost 37 and I am anything but "wild thang". For many years now I keep it covered and wear grandma bathing suits, etc. Yesterday I bit the bullet and called Advanced Aesthetics here in Oklahoma City. I go in next Tuesday to start the long, expensive, painful process of removing Miss "wild thang". This is something I wanted to do forever but the cost is unreal. It is costing me $75 per sq inch and my tattoo is 3 inches so that is $225 per session and it could take up to 15 sessions. Do you remember this was a free tattoo? LOL. Seriously though it is worth the cost and pain to have it removed and I am so happy. Here is a pic of it and believe I only have a hand full of pics over the years where you can actually see this boob beast.

Enjoy........................

BTW do you remember those conversations that go like this? "Now you know these are forever, are you sure you want this?"

Yeah wish I did.

My Husband

I know I always brag and gloat on my husband, as does many other woman. Throughout this journey I have come to realize that it takes a very special man to endure this trying time. I would like to tell you the story of my husband Al and how we fell in love:

I met Al when I was 33 almost 34. I was at the point in my life that I was literally done with men. No I wasnt thinking about switching sides I was just done. My best friend Julie discussed with me one day that we join either roller derby or womans ice hockey. Well I remember roller skating when I was young, isnt it just like riding a bike? We show up to practice our first time and meet all of the "catty bitches" seriously. I knew from the get go this wasnt my cup of tea. I didnt want to let my best friend down so I stuck with it. About a week into practice we met Al. He was a ref for the team and actually drove an hour and half one a week after work to ref for this team. He seemed really nice and down to earth, unlike almost everyone else on the team. Ok I wont lie, I never in a million years thought he was my type. Him and my best friend started IM'ing and becoming friends. She asked me to add him to my messenger and I did. We started talking about everything and found we talked everynight after work until later in the evening. Julie said to me one day that Al would be a good guy for me and I was like nope I am done. We talked more and more and hung out at practice. One night Julie and her boyfriend were going to hiabichi and said that Al and I should go. I didnt consider it a date and I even paid for my own meal. We all had a great time and after dinner Al and I decided to go out for a few drinks. I wont lie I ended up with way more then a few drinks.

THIS IS THE PART OF MY BLOG WHERE I PROMISED TO BE 100% HONEST AND  I AM. YOU MAY WANT TO TURN BACK NOW.

Ok this will reflect badly on me but it is the truth. After drinks, Cierra was spending the night with a friend and I was drunk. One thing led to another and we totally slept together. After it was a done deal, I had alot of reservations about what took place and pretty well thought we wouldnt talk again. I was wrong. We picked up talking and spending time together for many months after that. I still wasnt thinking about a relationship but was really enjoying having company. One night he asked me if we were exclusive or if I would consider being exclusive with him. I had to think about this, LOL yes I really did. I didnt want a relationship and drama and most likely the failure of another relationship. I did say yes.  Fast forward a year later Al asked me to marry him and of course I said yes. We moved in together about 2 months before we got married. Get this, he didnt believe in someone living together before marriage but (please see first and second sentence of this paragraph) Uh huh.

Meeting and marrying Al was the best decision I have ever made. I could never ask for a better more loving, caring, compassionate, funny person. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life. The only regret I have is we didnt meet earlier in our lives. Maybe we would have had a real shot at a baby.

With this story I want to leave you with a picture of Al and my niece Briley back when we were dating. I think this picture says everything about him.

Blast from the past

Let me introduce myself and Cierra. I was 22 in this picture and wow does it bring back memories. In this picture it is obvious that I have no worries and I am a completely happy, unaware, young mother. When I look at this picture I think of all the things I did wrong raising Cierra. All the things I could have done differently. I could have given her more love, I could have given her a more stable life, I could played a more active roll. All the things I had no clue about back then. Now she is almost 15 and half grown and I face the very real possiblity that she will grow up being the only child and I will never be able to let go.

Sorry this wasnt one of my happy go lucky post. I am really trying to prepare myself for no more children and it sucks. It also makes me want to hold onto Cierra and never let her go. I wonder if she would just stay at home until she is like 40? 

Shouldnt Complain

I know that I really shouldnt complain, but I am not used to this. Since my retrieval which was weeks ago, I am losing weight. I have zero appeitite and have dropped about 5 lbs in the last few weeks. Has anyone else went though this after ivf? I have also noted that my headaches are in full swing again, along with bad shortness of breath and dizziness. I am guessing it is probably my anxiety coming back full force after the last couple weeks. The only thing that makes me think differently is my complete loss of appeitite. Usually with my anxiety I want to eat.

Any feedback would be helpful. I guess on this current track I will be skinny enough to possibly wear a bikini on our Mexico trip.

A little gardening.....

Well yesterday after my husband went to Lowes and found top soil for 98 cents/40lb bag, my day was planned. I went through and cleaned out all of the flower beds. Al built me two new ones, they still need stained but looking good for his first time. These are just a few pics of our project yesterday.

Now next weekend I will be ready to plant all of our flowers!


Side Note: I am still coming to the realization that our ivf didnt work. For the most part I have spent my time trying to think about other things and fill my days so I dont have to deal with it. The more I think about it the more depressed I become on the real possibility that we wont ever have a child together. On our road trip the other day we had a very long talk on when enough was enough. We decided after our next ivf, if it fails we may give iui's a try again for a few times and possibly save up enough money for one more ivf within the next two years. My husband did give me an age at when we were done and I agreed.

The Photo Challenge

I am going to do something similar to the photo challenge starting now and going through April. There will be a few differences. I will not use a list to post my pics. I want to post just random pictures on here of wonderful things in my life. I also might not post pics everyday either. Since there isn't anything going on with me in the ttc world, I figured this would help pass a month.

Yes we woke up and decided to take a cue from a friend of mine that went on a short day trip. We packed up our stuff and traveled down to the Texas/Oklahoma border and went to the WinStar World Casino. This place is absolutely enormous! It has many different sections split out and decorated like different part of the world (pretty cool). My husband and I found a game called "Playboy" on the screen it has Hugh Hefner and the bunnies. If you hit a decent amount then a bunny would pop up on the screen and shake her tail or boobs at you. We laughed so hard! I lost a lot of money and my husband actually won a few hundred. The game was so entertaining it was hard to walk away. After gambling for most of the day we went to Turner Falls (tourist spot in Oklahoma with a waterfall). I have been there a hundred times or more, but its always so pretty to see the waterfall. I tried craw-fish tails for my first time and have to say they were very good! We ended the day with my favorite bbq place in Oklahoma/Texas. The name of the place is Rudy's and its actually a country store in a gas station and has the best brisket ever! We originally found this place in Texas while on a short trip. Yummy. So in short, we had a pretty cool weekend.

So today I leave you with a picture of Turner Falls and my awesome brisket.

( Just so you know I didn't take this picture yesterday, but this is Turner Falls)

( All I can say is Yummy. LOL)

Last night when we got home, the sky was so beautiful and amazing. Its moments like this in life that you really need to stop and appreicate.

Todays Drama

Let me start off by saying I dont not like drama. Now with this being said I have decided not to delete my earlier controversial post. The biggest reason for this decision is, I dont feel I did anything wrong. I blogged about a very personal emotional breakdown that I had in one brief moment. I said something that of course isnt something I would ever say or refer to a person as. I am not racist, I dont make a habit of walking around making fun of others. If any person following my blog can honestly in thier hearts state they have NEVER made a comment that was found by some to be offense, politically incorrect and/or of bad taste in a horrible situation, then by all means judge what I said and if it makes you feel better we can have a public hanging.

From this point forward I want to make something very clear about me and about my blog. I will always write what happens in my life and I wont censor it to keep from offending someone. I will write about raw emotions and feelings I am having. I will write about anger and frustration, I will cuss, I might use some offensive words (which may I add will NEVER be geared towards a innocent person). If this is something that doesnt sound like your cup of tea or think that I am trashy, ignorant or a so called red-neck, please do both of us a favor and delete my blog. You may also request that I dont follow your blog and I will respect your wishes.

One thing that will not be tolerated from this point forward is anyone coming on my personal space and attacking me. I have been forced to review all comments before publishing to keep this from happening in the future.

Please take a moment and think about what I just said. If you choose to keep following me, that means a lot and I really appreciate your support and friendship.

Thanks,

Tonisha

Changing Direction

Well I guess the time has come for my blog to change direction. As you all know, we have decided to put off our second ivf until September. This means six months blogs that will be filled with alot of boring thoughts and moments, lol. When we made the decision to take this time off, we made the decision to take off 100%. We will not be temping, charting, using ovulation kits etc. I want to spend this time with my husband, daughter, family and friends. We have planned a two year anniversary trip to Cozumel and we are also going to San Antonio in a few weeks. I plan on doing A LOT of camping this summer and visiting Beavers Bend. We are also planning on watching our diets, exercise and vitamin supplements to prepare our bodies for our next try. This next go around I don't think I will be doing acupuncture. After doing it this time for 8 weeks prior to ivf and still having shitty eggs, I really don't see the point. I might even go out on a limb and call acupuncture bullshit for egg quality improvement. I definitely believe it helps with stress and relaxation, but I can do that at home for a lot less then $1,000.

I really hope that you guys keep following me and I don't lose a lot of followers due to some down time and borderline boring posts that have nothing to do with infertility and cycling. I will definitely be following everyone through their new pregnancies etc.

Btw, thank you so much for all the comments on my post yesterday concerning my wtf appointment. There were so many wonderful suggestions. I also loved the fact that so many of you made me look at things differently. You may be right, maybe I shouldn't be down in the dumps about bad eggs. It is obvious that there were many contributing factors to why this cycle failed. I am going to walk away from this first failure with the mindset of .................... (this wasn't a complete failure, we learned and will move on from here). I also think that this break we decided to take will play a positive roll going back into this later. Although I did break down last night at the dinner table and had tears following into my cheesy bacon chicken. My husband asked what was wrong and I guess it all hit me at one time. I burst out that I couldnt believe our eggs were retarded and mutated. I do apologize because I dont usually use that word and I definitely dont mean any offense by it. That is what happened to come out of my mouth in a moment of weakness. I was so devasted that the one thing that is not fixable regarding infertility was happening to us. This is where all the wonderful comments came into play and really helped me move through this moment.

The point has always remained and will never change. Life is not fair. Some things we can not change and have to find away to move forward and accept what we can work with.